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One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr Trump is no longer President and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.
 
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump." The Marine repeated, "Sir, as I told you yesterday, Mr Trump is no longer President and no longer resides here." 
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
 
The third day, the old man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying again, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump."
 
The Marine, understandably irritated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you've been here asking to speak to Trump. I've told you each time that he's no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you get it?"
 
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it !"
The Marine snapped to attention and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."“
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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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17 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

my fav story about accordians:   worked downtown dallas where they have tunnels running between buildings.. going to lunch with work buddies, come up an escalator from one of the tunnels to catch a tunnel on the other side of the building..  3 piece oompha band playing in the lobby... after we pass by, i tell one of my co-workers ,  "i think all acordian playerss should be shot"... couple of months later  getting married..  after wedding ceremony , walk into our reception, who's the band my wife found for the reception, yup,  same band that was in the lobby...   karma will get you..  we had a great time.. they even played "wild thing" as our first dance..   good bunch of guys..

 

Wild Thing - on an accordion? :blink:

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The Quotes of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
 
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Ordering a Pizza in 2021:

CALLER:
    Is this Pizza Delight?
 
GOOGLE:    
    No sir, it's Google Pizza.
 
CALLER:  
    I must have dialed a wrong number. 
 
GOOGLE:  
     No sir, Google bought Pizza Delight last month.
 
CALLER:  
     OK.  I would like to order a pizza.
 
GOOGLE:  
     Do you want your usual, sir?
 
CALLER:
     My usual? You know me?
 
GOOGLE:
     According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
 
CALLER:  
     OK! That’s what I want ...
 
GOOGLE:
     May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
 
CALLER:  
     What? I detest vegetable!
 
GOOGLE:  
     Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
 
CALLER:  
     How the hell do you know!
 
GOOGLE:
     Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records.  We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
 
CALLER:
     Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!  I already take medication for my cholesterol.
 
GOOGLE:
     Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.  According to our database, you purchased    only a     box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
 
CALLER:  
     I bought more from another drugstore.
 
GOOGLE:  
    That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
 
CALLER: 
     I paid in cash.
 
GOOGLE:  
     But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
 
CALLER:  
     I have other sources of cash.
 
GOOGLE:
     That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
 
CALLER:    
     WHAT THE HELL!
 
GOOGLE:  
      I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
 
CALLER:  
      Enough already!  I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others.  I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
 
GOOGLE:      
     I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.  It expired 6 weeks ago..

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IN THE FIFTIES

Pasta was not eaten in Australia or N.Z.


Curry was a surname. 

A takeaway was a mathematical problem. 

A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.   


All potato crisps were plain; the only choice we had was
whether to put the salt on or not. 


Rice was only eaten as a milk pudding.

Calamari was called squid and we used it as fish bait.

A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.    

Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold. Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.  

Fish didn't have fingers in those days.  

Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sashimi.

None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.

Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.

Indian restaurants were only found in India.  

Cooking outside was called camping.


Seaweed was not a recognised food.

"Kebab" was not even a word, never mind a food.  

Prunes were medicinal. Also Castor Oil and Cena Tea.

Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called
cattle feed.


Water came out of the tap.   If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it, they would have become a laughing stock!!


But the one thing that we never ever had on our table 


" Elbows or Phones".

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Just now, SloopJohnB said:

IN THE FIFTIES

Pasta was not eaten in Australia or N.Z.


Curry was a surname. 

A takeaway was a mathematical problem. 

A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.   


All potato crisps were plain; the only choice we had was
whether to put the salt on or not. 


Rice was only eaten as a milk pudding.

Calamari was called squid and we used it as fish bait.

A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.    

Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold. Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.  

Fish didn't have fingers in those days.  

Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sashimi.

None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.

Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.

Indian restaurants were only found in India.  

Cooking outside was called camping.


Seaweed was not a recognised food.

"Kebab" was not even a word, never mind a food.  

Prunes were medicinal. Also Castor Oil and Cena Tea.

Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called
cattle feed.


Water came out of the tap.   If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it, they would have become a laughing stock!!


But the one thing that we never ever had on our table 


" Elbows or Phones".

thank god i lived overseas when growing up

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That was Canada too. I was in high school before I saw yogurt - and then it was when I was skiing in Sun Valley.

Pizza came along in high school as well - prior to that is was only "Pizza Pie" jokes in Mad magazine and one was never quite sure what it was. :D

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On 1/10/2021 at 4:57 PM, SloopJonB said:

That was Canada too. I was in high school before I saw yogurt - and then it was when I was skiing in Sun Valley.

Pizza came along in high school as well - prior to that is was only "Pizza Pie" jokes in Mad magazine and one was never quite sure what it was. :D

pizza pie and malted milk were stables in 1960's "Riverdale", wee me had know idea what they were on about

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2 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

aV7ONxw_460swp.webp

Shit, that didn't even break the windshield.

We do it way better.

image.png.a2133fae9294f316822ec1c5389370af.png

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Agent Johnson from the CIA finally hit the big time when he got invited to the international ambassador's ball. After meeting contacts over cocktails he was assigned his table were next to him was the most attractive blonde he'd seen.
After she made eye contact he briefly reached for her hand. Feeling no resistance and refreshed from the cocktails he brushed her thigh under the table. Still no resistance. Holding eye contact as he made his way up her thigh he received a note on a napkin quickly written in lipstick.
Grabbing it discreetly it read
Don't give the game away when you reach my balls.
Smithers, MI6

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136472523_4244724618888497_6794180725816879370_n.jpg?_nc_cat=103&ccb=2&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=XPPSJnLm11UAX94Wkj5&_nc_ht=scontent-iad3-1.xx&oh=8f41fa3c2828103601b890248154bee4&oe=602B517B

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image.png.49d90b432146218e06e0d555fcbaa8b0.png

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Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed and said she would try it when her husband got home that night.

When they met the next day, Julia asked how it went. Anna immediately started crying.
“We’re getting a divorce!” she sobbed.
“What? What happened?” Julia asked concerned.
“I tried to do your trick, but as I laid my hand on his dick, it was actually quite warm. I didn’t know what to say, so I asked him:
Why isn't your dick cold, like Peter’s?”
 
 
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Tom Brady, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Tom," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Tom felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a GREEN & GOLD sidewalk, a 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous PACKERS flag, and in every window, a CHEESEHEAD. Tom looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I hold many NFL records, and I even won a few Super Bowls." God said "So what's your point, Tom?" "Well, why does Aaron Rodgers get a better house than I do?" God chuckled, and said: "Tom, that's not Aaron's house......it's Mine."

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27 minutes ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

aP34QqB_460swp.webp

am i goin straight to fuckin hell for laughin out loud at this one? 

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Major Car Manufacturers Merger

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!

Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, & the curb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status.

Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it when it becomes troublesome!

 

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There was a Human Centipede outside my office building this morning, disgusting and pissed me off.

The lead guy wasn't wearing a mask.

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A man stepped into an elevator to find a woman standing completely naked against the back wall. 

Shocked, the man stared ahead as the elevator rose and the doors opened for his floor.

As he stepped out, he turned slightly and said to the woman, “My wife has an outfit just like yours.”

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I had a zoom court appearance last week. I had on a shirt and tie. An obviously pissed off judge asked where my jacket was. I replied, "with my pants".  Good thing there's an appellate division. 

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May be an image of 1 person, beard and text that says 'A man tells a Rabbi: " have a strong desire to live forever. What can / do?" "Get married, replies the Rabbi. "And will live forever?" "No, but the desire will disappear."'

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35 minutes ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

apNrDq5_460swp.webp

Hang on...  Shouldn't one use Red in this situation?

 

Loctite threadlocker blue is designed to easily be replaceable with common tools, whereas red is a more permanent fix.

 

https://www.henkel-adhesives.com/us/en/insights/all-insights/blog/difference-between-threadlockers.html

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While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in Sydney, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with
bright green and purple spots.
 
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before,
orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
 
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted
Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis"
 
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option."
 
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do?
My doctor wants to cut off my penis!"
 
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid Australian docttah, always want opawate.
Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"
 
"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.
"Yes,"says the Chinese doctor, "Wait two week. Fawl off by itself.
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16 hours ago, Windward said:

Hang on...  Shouldn't one use Red in this situation?

 

Loctite threadlocker blue is designed to easily be replaceable with common tools, whereas red is a more permanent fix.

 

https://www.henkel-adhesives.com/us/en/insights/all-insights/blog/difference-between-threadlockers.html

i know , but for people who don't...       just go with the flow..

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17 hours ago, Windward said:

Hang on...  Shouldn't one use Red in this situation?

 

Loctite threadlocker blue is designed to easily be replaceable with common tools, whereas red is a more permanent fix.

 

https://www.henkel-adhesives.com/us/en/insights/all-insights/blog/difference-between-threadlockers.html

 

Blue 242 is medium strength for 1/4" to 3/4"" fasteners.  Red 262 is high strength for up to 3/4" fasteners....

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On 2/16/2021 at 9:34 AM, floating dutchman said:

Guy's, it was a joke.

We know...   Just too good an opportunity to pass up.  :)

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May be an image of outdoors

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Larry Miller 5 Stages of Drinking Lyrics

LEVEL 1:
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool."
LEVEL 2:
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool."
LEVEL 3:
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool."
LEVEL 4:
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ....cool."
LEVEL 5:
Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), At this point even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." You and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, usually used to clean chromes. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and your thinking, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "......and this time, I mean it!"

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May be an image of text that says '"I've combined a laxative and alphabet soup. I call it 'Letter Rip'."'

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49 minutes ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

aYo4ynm_460swp.webp

looks like the dude with hand on the hood is wearin a kilt

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3 hours ago, Bump-n-Grind said:

looks like the dude with hand on the hood is wearin a kilt

Adds a whole different dimension to putting a set of pipes on your car.

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A retired sailor shuffled into a waterfront bar. Stinking of whisky and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said.
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old Salt, but it had been quite awhile since he had a piano player and business was falling off. He decided to give him a try.
The old Chief staggered his way over to the piano. By the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music, unlike anyone had heard in the bar before. When he finished there was thunderous applause.
The bartender asked him the name of the song. It's called, 'Drop Your Skivvies, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight'," The bartender and the crowd winced, but the piano player went on with a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.
After he finished, the Chief acknowledged the applause and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Anchor Chain Run Out."
He then excused himself as he lurched off to the head.
When the guy came out of the head, the bartender went over to him and said, "Look Chief, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old Chief replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"