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19 minutes ago, floating dutchman said:

I wonder how many of those fit in a Corvette trunk?

Less than in a Swan 70!

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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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2 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

we're replacing the windows at the clubhouse,  I've got about 30 sash weights available if anyone is interested..

Cane we sende them to Swan foire signatiure?

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12 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

we're replacing the windows at the clubhouse,  I've got about 30 sash weights available if anyone is interested..

Step #1   Create mystery and speculation.

You have failed.   You need to build up the story.  Starting with the sash weights is the finish.

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8 hours ago, Windward said:

Step #1   Create mystery and speculation.

You have failed.   You need to build up the story.  Starting with the sash weights is the finish.

we are remodeling the clubhouse...  behind one wall we found a plastic skeleton, what those carpenters will do for a laugh,  we found these mysterious objects hanging in the walls.. almost like cocoons...    to be continued...

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On 3/28/2021 at 5:50 AM, justsomeguy! said:

While visiting a friend last week, I asked if he had a newspaper I could borrow.

He replied, "Nobody uses newspapers anymore. Here, try this iPad." 

That fly never knew what hit him. 

Reminds me of this French commercial

 

 

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On 3/28/2021 at 10:57 PM, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

we're replacing the windows at the clubhouse,  I've got about 30 sash weights available if anyone is interested..

 

Take them to the local metal scrapper.  I got 5 bucks for a dead car battery booster pack.  

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51 minutes ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

some of them will get used as drop weights to assist the anchors on the marks..

 

Good idea!!  We could use these on some of our Frostbite marks.

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2 hours ago, billy backstay said:

 

Good idea!!  We could use these on some of our Frostbite marks.

Used to use them to hold the old marks with flags vertical.  Not sure how well they would work instead of anchors.  Might work for Pettipaug though.

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2 hours ago, Snow Guy said:

Used to use them to hold the old marks with flags vertical. 

Terribelle foire anchorres, butte cane ussialltey holde a pennante marke upritte............               :)

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1 minute ago, quod umbra said:
On 3/29/2021 at 1:06 AM, Snaggletooth said:

Cane we sende them to Swan foire signatiure?

I thicke moiste people here doughnote gette that joke.....

Ist no fuckkeng joke, juste halve to spende $1 foire the sig, as per GMD..............                   :)

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4 hours ago, Snow Guy said:

Used to use them to hold the old marks with flags vertical.  Not sure how well they would work instead of anchors.  Might work for Pettipaug though.

 

Off topic, but are you racing the Bird this next series?  If you still need a main trimmer, hit me up.....

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6 hours ago, Snow Guy said:

Used to use them to hold the old marks with flags vertical.  Not sure how well they would work instead of anchors.  Might work for Pettipaug though.

not anchors,  4 feet down... help them from drifting too much with wind shifts..

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4 hours ago, chester said:

Haunt YOU??  What about the hypnotist?

Rectum?  Hell, damn near killed him!

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On 3/29/2021 at 5:42 PM, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

we are remodeling the clubhouse...  behind one wall we found a plastic skeleton, what those carpenters will do for a laugh,  we found these mysterious objects hanging in the walls.. almost like cocoons...    to be continued...

they were emitting a low radioactive glow... .  over my right shoulder i saw a bright light hovering in the sky.... seemed to be patiently waiting for me to leave...

 

 

IMG_0485.JPG

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Paddy and Seamus were at the employment office and saw an advert that read "Tree Fellers Wanted."

Said Paddy to Seamus "Tis a pity there's only the two of us."

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3 hours ago, Bump-n-Grind said:

May be an image of 4 people, beard and text that says 'CNN BREAKING NEWS R ON 10:43 COENS ANNOUNCE LEBOWSKI Il 1998 CULT COMEDY SEQUEL TO FEATURE LADY GAGA AS THE DUDE'S DAUGHTER'

 

We all know what day it is.  Must check the front page, and see what mischief Scot has been up to....

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I finally learned how to tell an alligator from a crocodile. 

One you see later; the other you see in a while.  

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The funniest line on TV ever was on Ozarks, I spent 20 minutes not breathing.

Set up: Husband never shows emotions on his face, just who he is. He, his wife and children move to the Ozarks suddenly and get set up in a house. He works for the cartel laundering money.

Wife comes home at 6pm and says, "I entered both kids in school today, got a job with a local realtor staging houses, staged a house quick, got it sold and have a commission coming.  What did you do today to help the family today?"  Husband, "I bought a strip club."

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Since it's Easter...

Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, "Peter, come hither!" Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, "Peter, come hither!" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and chops Peter's arm off. Peter is getting a little pissed and wants to go back to his buddies, but again Jesus summons. The roman guard can't believe that Peter is trying yet AGAIN to climb to the cross, and chops off another arm. Peter is now covered in blood and demented from the blow to the head and wants to call it a day. Jesus hoarsly croaks, "Peter, please, come to me!" By now, the roman gurad is tired of chopping limbs, so he lets Peter be. The faithful disciple struggles to climb the cross (without arms mind you) and after a long while he finally arrives at his Lord's side. Hurting, suffering, bleeding, Peter looks into his Master's eyes and asks, "yes, my Lord. What is it?" Jesus smiles lovingly and looks off into the distance as a weak smile plays across his face, "Look Peter, I can see your house from here!"

 

Too soon?

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Carrying on with the Easter theme....

When confronted with a difficult decisions, some people will ask "What would Jesus do?".

My usual reply is "Hide in a cave for three days pretending he's dead?"  

Too soon?

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Visual joke:

Walk into breakfast room Easter Sunday, look at around at the guests, nod, stretch arms wide, and say:

'What a way to spend Easter'

Happy Easter, all.

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With all the shelter-at-home and lockdown stuff, I've spent a lot more time surfing the web. The closer I get to the end of the internet, the more interesting it becomes.

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On 4/6/2021 at 5:11 PM, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

P-wop did you see this one?

 

chick at the end looks like she has a nice rack! I wouldn't have minded a couple more seconds

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Are puns jokes?  Anyway:

1.   Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
 
2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
 
3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
 
4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? S’warm.
 
5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
 
6. Just so everyone is clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
 
7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone a round.
 
8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
 
9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
 
10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
 
11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
 
12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
 
13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
 
14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
 
15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
 
16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
 
17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
 
18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
 
19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
 
20. I’m trying to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
 
21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
 
22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
 
23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
 
24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
 
25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

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Love the puns. Only humour where the basic object of ridicule is language, or the punster.

So, the politest form of humour.

Anyway, 

Three-legged dog pushes into a dark Western saloon. Looks around at the the tense locals.

"I'm looking for the man that shot my Paw."

 

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Did you know deer can jump higher than the average house? It’s because of their strong hind legs and the fact that the average house can’t jump.

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All the toilets in the NYPD headquarters have been stolen. The police apparently have nothing to go on.

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16 minutes ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

once I read these books, I'm going to take over the world..

axMo7rM_460swp.webp

Reminds me of the Steven Wright classic:

"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."

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18 minutes ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

once I read these books, I'm going to take over the world..

axMo7rM_460swp.webp

Don't need two books for that, two sentences will do.

They teach Greed Is Good or Fuck You, I Got Mine.

They don't teach Ethics or Morality.

 

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Here's what I know about women. Our 41st anniversary is in two weeks so I guess it's enough.

 

Guide lines.jpg

funny-women-pointing-finger-drawing.jpg

Attraction.jpg

Womens words.jpg

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23 hours ago, SloopJonB said:

Don't need two books for that, two sentences will do.

They teach Greed Is Good or Fuck You, I Got Mine.

They don't teach Ethics or Morality.

 

I had some insight into the ethics taught in 2 "Top 5" MBA programs (UPenn and Kellogg) and you're not very far off. In fact, you're being kind. Listening to the students talk about how they handled ethics questions and how they performed in exercises intended to teach ethical dealing, was more revolting than anything I witnessed in Hell's Kitchen, the Bowery, or west Chelsea back in the good old days of NYC.  At least that crowd was honest about what they were doing to themselves or others. The MBA-set had a cognitive dissonance known only to religious zealots who can blindly kill in the name of their deity.

Watching the MBA set operate "in the field" was comical and depressing. Although, it did provide amusement.  However, eventually the soulless, shameless, and determined win.  The trick was to limit the amount of engagement.  You could usually win the first 3-5 rounds easily, but after that you have to either start selling your own soul or work deals that compromised the outcome.

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Not much of a joke, but loosely about MBAs on Wall Street

Quote

“The closest most people have ever come to understanding what an investment banker does may have been on October 24, 1995, when they heard the outrageous special interest story of the day. The wire services released the story first. It was quickly picked up and parroted by almost every major media outlet in the country as a classic example of Wall Street excess. A fifty-eight-year-old frustrated managing director from Trust Company of the West, on an airplane trip from Buenos Aires to New York City, downed an excessive number of cocktails, got out of his seat in the first-class cabin of a United Airlines flight, dropped his pants, and took a crap
on the service cart. There you have it. That’s what bankers do: consume, process, and disseminate.” 
 Peter Troob, Monkey Business: Swinging Through the Wall Street Jungle

(from the book given by a friend who  interned on Wall St) 

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and now, back to our regularly scheduled programming ...

What do blondes do when their laptop freezes?

Microwave them.

What's it called when a blonde dyes her hair brown?

Artificial intelligence.

What did the blonde say when she saw a box of Cheerios?

"Wow! Doughnut seeds!"

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"

The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator?

She couldn't find the 10 key.

 

What do you call an intelligent blonde?

A golden retriever!

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench…

One blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?" The other blonde says, "Well, you can't see Florida…"

Why was the blonde staring at a bottle of orange juice?

Because it said concentrate.

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9 hours ago, Bump-n-Grind said:

and now, back to our regularly scheduled programming ...

I am just going to quietly say that maybe it's time that blond jokes go away.

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1 hour ago, Ed Lada said:

I am just going to quietly say that maybe it's time that blond jokes go away.

Bring back the polish jokes eh?

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May be an image of text

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2 hours ago, burndoc said:

Bring back the polish jokes eh?

Polish jokes were funny until we grew up and realized what the Polish people had added to our WW11 efforts and endured and suffered in the war.

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52 minutes ago, warbird said:

Polish jokes were funny until we grew up and realized what the Polish people had added to our WW11 efforts and endured and suffered in the war.

Poland lost 20% of its population in WW II, mostly civilians.  The 2nd highest percentage in Europe.  Half of the Polish people that died were Jewish, almost 3 million out of the total of 6 million Jews murdered during the Holocaust.  All of the death camps were in Poland because the Germans didn't want to do it on their own soil and it was logistically convenient given the amount of Jewish people already living in Poland.  They just had to import the other half.  

Belarus had the highest percentage of their population killed during the war, 25%.  

I don't think any jokes based on race, color, creed, sex, or anything like that are ever funny.  Unfortunately they were acceptable for many years.  I am as guilty as anyone else even though I endured many Polack jokes when I was young.  I think in the 21st century, it's time to stop.  Now that I think about it, I won't add any more Florida man stories here either.  Stereotypes sometimes have a connection to reality, that's often how they become stereotypes. Propagating them and making fun of them still isn't right.  

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1 hour ago, Ed Lada said:

Uh yeah.

That was a joke right?  ;)

Of course. This is the joke thread

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Equal opportunity offender here... 

 

several acres of crazy....

May be an image of 4 people, hair and outerwear

The Redhead Festival in Dublin, Ireland, an annual gathering for redheads.

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May be an image of text that says 'DEJA MOO: THE FEELING YOU'VE HEARD THIS BULL BEFORE'

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5 hours ago, Bump-n-Grind said:

Equal opportunity offender here... 

 

several acres of crazy....

May be an image of 4 people, hair and outerwear

The Redhead Festival in Dublin, Ireland, an annual gathering for redheads.

I was a redhead before it turned silver and I'm not crazy.

Nobody wants to believe me when I tell them of my original hair color.  So when I start to undo my belt and tell them I can prove my claim, they suddenly believe me and tell me, "No, no that's OK."  Go figure.

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12 minutes ago, Ed Lada said:
5 hours ago, Bump-n-Grind said:

Equal opportunity offender here... 

 

several acres of crazy....

May be an image of 4 people, hair and outerwear

The Redhead Festival in Dublin, Ireland, an annual gathering for redheads.

Expand  Expand  

I was a redhead before it turned silver and I'm not crazy.

Nobody wants to believe me when I tell them of my original hair color.  So when I start to undo my belt and tell them I can prove my claim, they suddenly believe me and tell me, "No, no that's OK."  Go figure.

Do you haive a "Ime am notte crazey" tattoo ?

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15 minutes ago, Snaggletooth said:

Do you haive a "Ime am notte crazey" tattoo ?

I have a couple of tattoos but no, not that.  

Is it required?  Is it supposed to be ironic?  Should it be spelled that way?  So many questions, my head is spinning!

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On 4/13/2021 at 8:50 PM, Bump-n-Grind said:

Equal opportunity offender here... 

 

several acres of crazy....

May be an image of 4 people, hair and outerwear

The Redhead Festival in Dublin, Ireland, an annual gathering for redheads.

I'd love to go to this festival.............................   while on shrooms'

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3 minutes ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

I'd love to go to this festival.............................   while on shrooms'

hehehehe

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On 4/13/2021 at 7:23 PM, Ed Lada said:

I am just going to quietly say that maybe it's time that blond jokes go away.

They're not jokes, they're true stories.

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If I went to that redhead festival, I'd have a never-ending erection. There's something about a redheaded woman that gets to me.........

Joke: A 9-year-old Catholic boy goes into the confessional. He hears a strange rustling sound from behind the screen where the priest is sitting.

"Father, what are you doing?" "Masturbating, my son. Soon you will be doing this."

"Why, Father?"  "My arthritic wrist is killing me."

 

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On 4/14/2021 at 3:25 AM, Ed Lada said:

I was a redhead before it turned silver and I'm not crazy.

Nobody wants to believe me when I tell them of my original hair color.  So when I start to undo my belt and tell them I can prove my claim, they suddenly believe me and tell me, "No, no that's OK."  Go figure.

 

So the drapes no longer match the carpet!!

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5 hours ago, Happy said:

They're not jokes, they're true stories.

I'm sorry, I don't find that funny.  Apparently you do.

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hey take it to fucking discussion anarchy... this is the goddam joke thread.. if you dont like the jokes, shut the fuck up and move along.

 

now back to our regularly scheduled programming... 

 

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

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