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After surveying property along the New Hampshire and Maine border, some engineers decided the boundaries needed to be changed. So they stopped to tell a farmer that he was no longer in Maine but in New Hampshire. “Good,” said the farmer. “I couldn’t take another one of those Maine winters.”

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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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An admiral is standing by a candy machine at the Naval Academy in Annapolis when he stops a midshipman walking by. “Sailor, do you have change for a dollar?”

“Sure, buddy,” says the Mid, rooting around his pocket.

“That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?”

The middie snaps to attention and barks, “No, sir!”

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How do you know when you’re staying in a Mississippi hotel? When you call the front desk and say, “I’ve gotta leak in my sink,” and the person at the front desk says, “Go ahead.”

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A man from Kansas City walks into a bar and asks, “Wanna hear a joke about people from St. Louis?”

The bartender says, “Listen, pal, I’m from St. Louis, and I won’t appreciate it. The man sitting next to you is 265 pounds, and he’s from St. Louis too. And the bouncer, that huge guy there, is also from St. Louis. So do you still want to tell that joke?”

“No,” says the guy from Kansas City. “Not if I have to explain it three times.”

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Four women are driving across the country together, each one from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Montana, and California. Shortly after the trip begins, the woman from Idaho pulls potatoes from her bag and throws them out the window. “What are you doing?” asks the Nebraskan.

“We have so many of these things in Idaho, I’m sick of looking at them.”

A moment later, the gal from Nebraska pulls ears of corn from her bag and tosses them from the window. “What are you doing?” asks the gal from Montana.

“We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I’m sick of looking at them.”

Inspired, the Montanan opens the car door and kicks the Californian out.

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New Hampshire: The state motto is “Live Free or Die,” which appears on license plates made by prisoners.

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Traveling outside Taos, a man comes upon a Native American lying in the middle of the road with his ear pressed against the blacktop. “What are you doing?” asks the man.

The tribesman replies, “Woman, late 30s, three kids, one barking dog in late model, four-door station wagon, traveling at 65 mph.”

“Amazing! You can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?”

“No,” says the Native American. “They ran over me five minutes ago.”

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On his first trip to Boston, the North Carolinian met a girl at a bar and asked her, “Do you go to Harvard?”

The girl responded, “Yale.”

“OK. DO YOU GO TO HARVARD?!”

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What’s a seven-course meal in North Dakota?

 

 

 

 

A hamburger and a six-pack.

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How do you know you’re from Ohio?

 

 

 

You own only three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

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How can you tell if an Oklahoman is married?

 

 

 

 

 

There’s dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

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30 minutes ago, Bump-n-Grind said:

An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, “Where were you on the night of October to April?”

Blonde prosecutor?

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Howard dies and waits in line for judgment. He notices that some souls go right into heaven, while Satan throws others into a burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, the devil tosses him aside. Curious, Howard asks Satan,”Excuse me, but why are you tossing them aside instead of flinging them into hell with the others?”

“They’re from Oregon,” Satan replies. “They’re too wet to burn.”

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What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?

 

 

 

A mechanic.

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Welcome to Rhode Island!

 

 

 

Enjoy it, because it ends in 40 feet.

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While fishing off Myrtle Beach, a Yankee tourist capsized his boat. Petrified, he yelled to an old guy standing on the shore, “Are there any gators around here?!”

“Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!”

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward shore. Halfway there, he asked the guy, “How’d you get rid of the gators?”

“We didn’t do anything,” the old guy said. “The sharks got ’em.”

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A tough old Badlands rancher once told his grandson that the secret to long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to be 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren … and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

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An elderly Mormon visits his doctor and asks if he’ll live to be a hundred.

“Do you smoke or drink?” asks the doctor.

“Those things have never and will never touch my lips,” says the man.

“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?”

“Nope, don’t believe in doing any of that, either.”

 

 

“Well then,” says the doctor, “why the fuck do you want to live to be a hundred?”

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1 hour ago, Bump-n-Grind said:

hey take it to fucking discussion anarchy... this is the goddam joke thread.. if you dont like the jokes, shut the fuck up and move along.

 

now back to our regularly scheduled programming... 

 

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

Fuck off Bumpy.  You don't like my comments, shut the fuck up and move along.

I am discussing an issue that affects a large amount of people.  Your displeasure with my comment affects nobody but you. 

I'll bet you whine when people quote people that you have on ignore too.  HTFU.

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May be an image of 4 people and text that says 'LAST NIGHT ON DANCING WITH THE TSARS PETER AND CATHERINE WERE GREAT, BUT IVAN WAS TERRIBLE 1'

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2 hours ago, Bump-n-Grind said:

How do you know when you’re staying in a Mississippi hotel? When you call the front desk and say, “I’ve gotta leak in my sink,” and the person at the front desk says, “Go ahead.”

How do you tell the difference between lace curtain Irish and shanty Irish?

Lace curtain Irish move the dishes out of the way before they piss in the sink.

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7 hours ago, Ed Lada said:
13 hours ago, Happy said:

They're not jokes, they're true stories.

I'm sorry, I don't find that funny.  Apparently you do.

How did the blond turn the light on after sex?

She opened the door.

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1 hour ago, P_Wop said:

UK joke.

What does an Essex girl say after sex?

"Do you all play on the same team, then?"

Sounds like Essex equates to our Surrey.

What's the first thing a Surrey girl says in the morning?

"Call me a cab"

Oh what the hell;

How does a Surrey girl turn on the light in the morning?
Kick open the car door.

What does a Surrey girl and a turtle have in common?
They both get fucked when they're on their back.

What's the difference between Surrey girl and a man?
Surrey girls have higher sperm counts.

What's the difference between a Surrey girl and a puppet?
You can only get one hand up a puppet.

What's the difference between a Surrey girl and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn't fart when you take your meat out of it.

What's the difference between a Surrey girl and a condom?
You only use a condom once.

What's the difference between getting piles and breaking off an engagement with a Surrey girl?
When the piles clear up, you get your ring back.

What's the difference between a Surrey girl and Lionel Ritchie?
Lionel Ritchie doesn't bleach his mustache.

What's the difference between a Surrey girl and a fish and chip shop?
You can't get crabs in a fish and chip shop.

What's the difference between a Surrey girl and a plate of spaghetti?
A plate of spaghetti moves when you eat it.

What's the difference between a Surrey girl and a supermarket cart?
A supermarket cart has a mind of its own.

What's the difference between a Surrey girl and a washing machine?
You can dump your load in a washing machine and it won't follow you around for a week.

What's the difference between a Surrey girl and the Titanic?
Fewer people went down on the Titanic.

What's the difference between a Surrey girl and a carpenter?
A Surrey girl has longer nails.

What's the difference between a Surrey girl and a German Shepherd dog?
Lip gloss.

What's the difference between a Surrey girl and a CBC radio station?
Only 40% of British Columbia can pick up CBC.

What's the difference between a Surrey girl and a Club Med 18-30 holiday?
On the Club Med 18-30 holiday, there's only a 98% chance of sex.

How could a Surrey mom tell that her daughter is on the rag?
There's blood on her son's cock.

How do you circumcise a Surrey guy?
Upper cut his sister in the chin.

Why wasn't Jesus born in Surrey?
They could not find 3 wise men and a virgin.

What do Surrey girls put behind there ears to attract men?
Their ankles.

What's the first thing a Surrey girl does in the morning?
Gets up and goes home.

What does a Surrey girl and grilled cheese sandwich have in common?
Ever open a grilled cheese sandwich?

Why do Surrey girls like tilt steering?
More head room.

What do Surrey girls use for protection during sex?
A bus shelter.

What does a Surrey girl and a bucket of KFC have in common?
Once your done with the legs and thighs, all you're left with is a greasy box.

Why do Surrey girls like sunroofs?
More leg room.

What's the difference between a Surrey girl and an ironing board?
It's hard to open the legs on a ironing board.

What do you call a Surrey girl with a dollar bill on top of her head?
All you can eat under a buck.

What do hockey players and Surrey girls have in common?
They both only change their pads after the third period!

A Surrey girl is at the welfare office and filling out forms with all her children's names. The lady behind the desk looks at the list of 7 kids, all named Bobby.
She asks, "How do they know when you're calling for them?" The mom answers, "I just call them by their last names."

What is a Surrey girl's motto?
First time regular price, after that 5 bucks, 5 bucks, 5 bucks.

How do you fuck a Surrey girl?
You don't!

What's the mating call of a Surrey girl?
Gosh, I'm so drunk!

How do you kill a Surrey girl?
Put a mirror at the bottom of a pool.

Why do Surrey girls wear red lipstick?
Because red means "stop, wrong hole."

A Surrey girl walks up to her dad and asks, "Can I borrow the car?" He says, "ok, but you have to give me head." She proceeds to give him head when she stops and says, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit!" The father replies, "Yeah, your brother wanted to borrow the car yesterday."

A Surrey girl gets pulled over for speeding by a female Surrey RCMP officer who asks for a driver's license. She fumbles through purse and finds a compact mirror. She hands it to the lady cop, "This has my picture on it." The officer looks at it and says "Oh, I didn't know you were a cop. You're free to go."

What's the difference between a walrus and an Surrey girl?
One is wet, has a moustache and smells of fish - the other is a walrus.

Why does a Surrey girl wear panties?
To keep her ankles warm.

Why is a Surrey girl like a dog's turd?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up!

Why is a Surrey girl like a door knob?
'Cause everybody gets a turn.

Why is a Surrey girl like railway tracks?
'Cause she's been laid all over the country.

What's the difference between an Surrey girl and a broom closet?
Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

What's the difference between an Surrey girl and a phone booth?
You need to pay to use the phone.
Only one person can use the phone at once.

What does the Bermuda Triangle and a Surrey girl have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

What's the difference between an Surrey girl and a rooster?
In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a Surrey girl says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."

What's the difference between a Surrey girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
 
 
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8 hours ago, Ed Lada said:

Fuck off Bumpy.  You don't like my comments, shut the fuck up and move along.

I am discussing an issue that affects a large amount of people.  Your displeasure with my comment affects nobody but you. 

I'll bet you whine when people quote people that you have on ignore too.  HTFU.

For fuck sake ed chill out.

You could replace every single ethnic/gender/religion/regional joke ever created with "middle aged white guy" and I doubt anybody would give flying fuck. Give it a shot, I'll laugh, promise.

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1 hour ago, bmiller said:

You could replace every single ethnic/gender/religion/regional joke ever created with "middle aged white guy" and I doubt anybody would give flying fuck. 

Agree. When hitching and hostelling across Canada, then around Europe, heard a lot of jokes. Surprised they were all  the same, only the subject changed. 

West coast, "Did you hear about the Paki . .. . [etc.]"

Prairies--"Did you hear about the  . .. . [Ukranians probably, IIR incorrectly]

Quebec--can't remember. New Yorker, maybe? Might have been New Brunswicker . . 

Maritimes : Newfies.

Then while working in a small bar in Schmedentead, Germany (on the highway to Berlin) 

"Did you hear about the Ost Frieslander who. . . " Same damn joke, and that was the first time I had ever heard of that region.

Can't recall the stupid joke, but did recall it was 'universal.'

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Yes. 

The English tell Irish jokes.  The Italians tell jokes about the Carabinieri.  South Africans tell Boer jokes.  Scots tell English jokes.  The Dutch tell Belgian jokes.  The French tell Belgian jokes.  The Germans tell Belgian jokes. 

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Just now, Gissie said:

Really?

Certainly - they just aren't funny jokes.

Has their ever been a German stand up comedian?

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3 minutes ago, SloopJonB said:

Certainly - they just aren't funny jokes.

Has their ever been a German stand up comedian?

They have a mandatory humor bypass operation when they're about 4.

And have you ever wondered why there's so little crime in Germany?  

It's against the law.

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7 minutes ago, P_Wop said:
9 minutes ago, SloopJonB said:

Certainly - they just aren't funny jokes.

Has their ever been a German stand up comedian?

They have a mandatory humor bypass operation when they're about 4.

And have you ever wondered why there's so little crime in Germany?  

It's against the law.

They licke David Hassellhoffe theire, I allwayes thoughte he wase a joke..........                   :)

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I saw a German do stand up once and was pretty funny. Opened with explaining how the stereotype of Germans having no sense of humor with an obsession for everything organized etc.  Then he said

Now - Joke #1.

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I had a German girlfriend once.  Very organized and methodical.  She would rate my sexual performance on a scale of 1 to 10.  On the last night I was there, I thought we should try anal sex.  She kept shouting "Nein, nein, nein!"  Best score I ever got.

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6 hours ago, bmiller said:

For fuck sake ed chill out.

You could replace every single ethnic/gender/religion/regional joke ever created with "middle aged white guy" and I doubt anybody would give flying fuck. Give it a shot, I'll laugh, promise.

See, that's the whole point.  They aren't middle aged white guy jokes.  White guys run the world.  That's why there aren't many middle aged white guy jokes.  

Stereotype jokes are very common.  They are so common that over time the stereotypes have a negative impact on the object of the joke.  It's insidious and it's harmful.  Just because it's been happening since the first joke was told doesn't make it right. 

Y'all are welcome to keep on telling these jokes and I  can criticize it if I like.  It's like tilting at windmills but if everybody tolerates these jokes the damage will continue.  If I can get one person to think before they tell one of these jokes, then it's a step in the right direction.

If people do nothing, then things will just get worse.  The world is already a pretty fucked up place.  I can't control very much outside of my own little life, but at least I can do something.  

I am calling out people for perpetuating a harmful stereotype.  People are calling me out for calling them out.  I see a big difference there, if others don't I can't help that.

Dip me in rainbows and call me snowflake, but I will keep on fighting.  

 

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3 minutes ago, Snaggletooth said:

I thouht it wase MAWG wifes ran the worlde.................                               :)

That's true, but they don't get the credit for it.  One of these days there will be a reckoning and it won't be pretty.

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An old white man walks into a bar. The bar is really low, so it hits his shins. He doesn’t make any effort to step over it, instead he just loudly complains that the bar used to be lower, but it’s not his fault he can’t clear it, and it’s also society’s fault everyone else is easily stepping over it and leaving him behind.

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An old man is sitting on his porch, and sees a kid walking by carrying a roll of duck tape. Old guy yells out "Hey kid! Where you going with that duck tape?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks!" says the kid.

"What? You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" he yells back, but the kid continues on his way.

Couple hours later, the kid is walking back the other way, carrying 4 ducks wrapped up in duck tape. The old man can't believe it.

Next day, the old guy is sitting on his porch again and sees the kid walking by, this time he's got a roll of chicken wire under his arm. Old guy yells out "Hey kid! Where you going with that chicken wire?"

"Gonna catch me some chickens!" says the kid.

"Seriously? You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" he yells back, but once again the kid just continues on his way.

Later that day, the kid walks back the other way and, sure enough, he's got a half-dozen chickens wrapped up in the chicken wire. The old guy is astounded.

Next day, once again the old guy is sitting out on his porch and sees the kid walking in front of his house. He yells out "Hey kid, what 'cha got under your arm there?"

"Pussywillow!" says the kid.

".... hang on, I'll go get my hat."

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A man is standing naked on a street corner. A cop walks up and tells him "Sir you can't be doing that here unless you have a good excuse, I am going to take you to jail."

Yes Sir I have a good excuse. I was at my girlfriend's apartment... we started drinking... next thing you know she jumps up and says... "Lets get naked and go to town. "

I guess I beat her here.

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A new farmer doesn't know where to start, so he enlists the help of his neighbor, a man who has run a successful farm for many years. "What must I do to be a successful farmer?, he asks. The old timer says, "First you must go to the market and buy a pullet (female chicken) and a cock (male chicken). While you are there, also buy yourself an ass (donkey) to help you carry them back to the farm."

So the new farmer does as the old man says, and is in the middle of riding the ass back to the farm when it stops in the middle of the road, refusing to take another step. The new farmer can't do much while he's holding a chicken under each arm, but as it happens an old lady is coming down the road toward him. Thinking quickly, he asks, "Excuse me, ma'am? If you would be so kind, could you hold my cock and pullet while I slap my ass?"

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A cop is eating lunch at a diner when he overhears a elderly couple, maby in there 80s, talking.

The man says "do you remember this place?"

The woman awnsers "of course. Behind this diner is where we first had sex."

The man says "what do you say we do it again?"

The woman giggles and says "why not?" And they both get up to leave.

The cop was taken aback by this and was curious so he decides to follow them. He follows them as they slowly walk behind the dinner. When they go behind the diner he decides he will just stay there to make sure no one bothers them. He then watches as the lady slowing lifts her dress and the man drops his pants.

The man the grabs the fence in front of him and starts just going at it full force, like a stallion with his first mare. The cops was taking aback. This guy seemed to have more stamina then anyone in the world.

When they where done the couple starts walking out of the ally and the cop decides to talk to the man. He had to know how he was able to do that.

The cop said "how are you able to keep going like that even in your age?"

The man smiled and answered "well for starters, 60 years ago that fence wasn't electric."

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Isaac Asimov's Jokester- from wikipedia

Noel Meyerhof is a "Grand Master", one of a small cadre of Earth's recognised geniuses, who has the insight to know what questions to ask Multivac. But a computer scientist is concerned that Meyerhof is acting erratically. As a known joke-teller, he has been discovered feeding jokes and riddles into Multivac.

By computer analysis, the characters in the story investigate the origin of humour, particularly why there seems to be no such thing as an original joke, except for puns. Every normal joke is something that was originally heard from someone else.

The computer eventually tells them that humour is actually a psychological study tool imposed from without by  extraterrestrials studying mankind, similarly to how humans study mice. They needed to isolate the responses to their jokes from original ones, so they "programmed" us to react differently to puns.

The characters of the story conjecture that figuring this fact out makes it useless as a tool, so the aliens will turn off humour. And suddenly nothing is ever funny again.

 

 

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6 hours ago, Ed Lada said:

See, that's the whole point.  They aren't middle aged white guy jokes.  White guys run the world.  That's why there aren't many middle aged white guy jokes.  

Stereotype jokes are very common.  They are so common that over time the stereotypes have a negative impact on the object of the joke.  It's insidious and it's harmful.  Just because it's been happening since the first joke was told doesn't make it right. 

Y'all are welcome to keep on telling these jokes and I  can criticize it if I like.  It's like tilting at windmills but if everybody tolerates these jokes the damage will continue.  If I can get one person to think before they tell one of these jokes, then it's a step in the right direction.

If people do nothing, then things will just get worse.  The world is already a pretty fucked up place.  I can't control very much outside of my own little life, but at least I can do something.  

I am calling out people for perpetuating a harmful stereotype.  People are calling me out for calling them out.  I see a big difference there, if others don't I can't help that.

Dip me in rainbows and call me snowflake, but I will keep on fighting.  

 

Carry on, but I doubt anybody reading this thread cares that you find blond jokes offensive.

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9 minutes ago, bmiller said:

Carry on, but I doubt anybody reading this thread cares that you find blond jokes offensive.

I don't care if they don't care.  It reveals something about their character, not mine.  

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23 hours ago, Ed Lada said:

 You don't like my comments, shut the fuck up and move along....

HTFU.

you should follow your own advice.

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Asimov--good stuff.

How It Happened

Isaac Asimov

My brother began to dictate in his best oratorical style, the one which has the tribes hanging on his words.

"In the beginning," he said, "exactly fifteen point two billion years ago, there was a big bang and the Universe—"

But I had stopped writing. "Fifteen billion years ago?" I said incredulously.

"Absolutely," he said. "I'm inspired."

"I don't question your inspiration," I said. (I had better not. He's three years younger than I am, but I don't try questioning his inspiration. Neither does anyone else or there's hell to pay.) "But are you going to tell the story of the Creation over a period of fifteen billion years?"

"I have to," said my brother. "That's how long it took. I have it all in here," he tapped his forehead, "and it's on the very highest authority."

By now I had put down my stylus. "Do you know the price of papyrus?" I said.

"What?" (He may be inspired but I frequently noticed that the inspiration didn't include such sordid matters as the price of papyrus.)

I said, "Suppose you describe one million years of events to each roll of papyrus. That means you'll have to fill fifteen thousand rolls. You'll have to talk long enough to fill them and you know that you begin to stammer after a while. I'll have to write enough to fill them and my fingers will fall off. And even if we can afford all that papyrus and you have the voice and I have the strength, who's going to copy it? We've got to have a guarantee of a hundred copies before we can publish and without that where will we get royalties from?"

My brother thought awhile. He said, "You think I ought to cut it down?"

"Way down," I said, "if you expect to reach the public."

"How about a hundred years?" he said.

"How about six days?" I said.

He said, horrified, "You can't squeeze Creation into six days."

I said, "This is all the papyrus I have. What do you think?"

"Oh, well," he said, and began to dictate again, "In the beginning—Does it have to be six days, Aaron?"

I said, firmly, "Six days, Moses."

From Isaac Asimov’s The Worlds of Change and Other Stories (New York: Ballantine, 1983).

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1 hour ago, Autonomous said:

Someone needs to watch some Andrew "Dice" Clay.

No they don't.

Or Sam Kinnison.

They were never funny.

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On 4/17/2021 at 10:04 AM, Ed Lada said:

I don't care if they don't care.  It reveals something about their character, not mine.  

Actually, being a teaching judgy ass about something says loads about your character.  Humor is humor, as many comedians will happily explain to you.

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5 hours ago, Grrr... said:

Actually, being a teaching judgy ass about something says loads about your character.  Humor is humor, as many comedians will happily explain to you.

Humor is humor, denigrating people for no reason isn't humor.  See, that's not so difficult is it.

You know, it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye.

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After Prince Philip was taken to his funeral in the back of his old Land Rover, Prince Andrew has asked to be buried in a 15 year old Escort.

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For the Catholic Anarchists, current and former.  

 

 

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

 

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At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside

And asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "

Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue,

curse the umpire, or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play,

it's not a dumb-ass decision or that the coach is a shithead is it?"

"No, coach."

"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”

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12 hours ago, Ed Lada said:

For the Catholic Anarchists, current and former.  

 

 

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

 

At least that's not insulting to Catholics or Italians or Italian Catholics and it sure doesn't perpetuate stereotypes.

Doesn't bother me a damn bit, but then again I don't rage against jokes that do such things.

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1 minute ago, Snaggletooth said:

Ime am thickeng PO ist PO'd                                        :)

No.  Just slightly bored and amused.  I'll go away now.

 

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Local Lutheran pastor was called up before the parish council about his Swedish jokes (Ollie and Swen) in his sermons. His parishioners had mostly Swedish roots.

He listened politely, nodded, and agreed to drop the Swedish jokes.

The next Sunday, he opened his sermon with "There were two Hittites named Ollie and Swen who . . . "

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Back before the federal Department of Indian Affairs was renamed, I worked nights at the local steel plant. Heard every kind of crude joke from the guys (from all over the world). "Indian" jokes were common.

So, there was this Indian working the forklift at the flour mill up in Prince Albert. One day a bag of flour toppled off and covered him in flour.

He goes up to his boss [insert inapt accent] "hey boss. I just need to go home and change."

"Sure, you OK?, no problem. see you in an hour."

He walks out the gate, and the cousins are sitting around.

"Hey Joe . .  .  you look like a white man, eh? Heh, Heh Heh."

"Fuk off you guys. I just got flour dumped on me, and I'm going home to change."

He turns the block and passes the post office, and more uncles and cousins are sitting around awaiting their cheques.

"Hey Joe . . . you look like a white man, eh? Heh, Heh Heh."

"Fuk off you guys. I just got flour dumped on me, and I'm going home to change."

He passes the Liquor Board store, and the relatives are sitting around.

"Hey Joe . . . you look like a white man, eh? Heh, Heh Heh."

"Fuk off you guys. I just got flour dumped on me, and I'm going home to change."

He turns the corner and opens the gate to his place. Lots more relatives sitting around.

"Hey Joe . . . you look like a white man, eh? Heh, Heh Heh."

"Fuk off you guys. I've only been white five minutes, and already I hate you fukkin Indians."

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2 hours ago, Snaggletooth said:

I thick Harrey Trumman usse to telle a joke abote Hottentottes named Ollie & Sven.......          :)

So Ollie is sitting in a pub and Sven walks in and sits down next to him. Ollie says, "see that bridge over there? I built it. Do they call me Ollie the bridge builder? NO. and you see that boat out in the harbor? I built that. Do they call me Ollie the boat builder? NO. But I tell ya, ya fuck one goat....."

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After a quick browse through the forums, am reminded of this one, heard years ago (70s?--when interest rates were in the high teens).

Journalist interviewing former immigrants about being 'American' now.

Answer: "Amerika--ist great great country. When I first arrive, I had nothing."

"Today, I owe millions."

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6 hours ago, Glenn McCarthy said:

May be an image of road and text that says 'CAUTION! STOOL BUS'

Does this belong in PA?

 

For my next career, I want to be a ladder salesman. That way at trade shows I can hand out "stool samples".

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On 4/22/2021 at 7:55 PM, dyslexic dog said:

So Ollie is sitting in a pub and Sven walks in and sits down next to him. Ollie says, "see that bridge over there? I built it. Do they call me Ollie the bridge builder? NO. and you see that boat out in the harbor? I built that. Do they call me Ollie the boat builder? NO. But I tell ya, ya fuck one goat....."

It's MacGregor and it was a sheep.

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2 minutes ago, dyslexic dog said:

I've heard it with four different names. but ya get the point eh?

True, but it's more fun to tell with a full on Scottish brogue.  

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8 hours ago, Glenn McCarthy said:

May be an image of road and text that says 'CAUTION! STOOL BUS'

Does this belong in PA?

 

Only if it's making a delivery.

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8 hours ago, Left Shift said:

It's MacGregor and it was a sheep.

MacGregor was the one about being caught interfering with a sheep. During the trial the local copper was giving evidence of what happened.

"Mr MacGregor was seen taking a sheep into the barn.

Mr MacGregor was seen dropping his trousers and interfering with the sheep."

Murmers where heard around the courtroom.

"After Mr MacGregor has interfered with the sheep, the sheep turned around and lucked his testicle."

A gasp was heard from the court. Then in the following silence, an old guy in the jury turned to the man next to him and whispered

"A good sheep will do that, you know."

 

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Just now, Gissie said:

MacGregor was the one about being caught interfering with a sheep. During the trial the local copper was giving evidence of what happened.

"Mr MacGregor was seen taking a sheep into the barn.

Mr MacGregor was seen dropping his trousers and interfering with the sheep."

Murmers where heard around the courtroom.

"After Mr MacGregor has interfered with the sheep, the sheep turned around and licked his testicles."

A gasp was heard from the court. Then in the following silence, an old guy in the jury turned to the man next to him and whispered

"A good sheep will do that, you know."

 

 

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You left out the first part of the joke:

McGregor gets busted for sheepfucking. He asks around about a lawyer. Turns out there are only two lawyers in town.

One is McGillicuddy, who is a lay preacher, the most respectable man in town, and very expensive. He definitely would not defend a man accused of sheepfucking.

The other is C.U. Jummy, who is a terrible lawyer, a terrible drunk, very cheap, and a genius at jury selection.

Jummy does his thing during jury selection, then passes out......and then.....the constable starts giving his evidence etc.

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May be an image of text that says 'Drunk people run stop signs STOP High people wait for them to turn green'

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