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2 hours ago, Snaggletooth said:

I thick Harrey Trumman usse to telle a joke abote Hottentottes named Ollie & Sven.......          :)

So Ollie is sitting in a pub and Sven walks in and sits down next to him. Ollie says, "see that bridge over there? I built it. Do they call me Ollie the bridge builder? NO. and you see that boat out in the harbor? I built that. Do they call me Ollie the boat builder? NO. But I tell ya, ya fuck one goat....."

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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

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After a quick browse through the forums, am reminded of this one, heard years ago (70s?--when interest rates were in the high teens).

Journalist interviewing former immigrants about being 'American' now.

Answer: "Amerika--ist great great country. When I first arrive, I had nothing."

"Today, I owe millions."

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On 4/22/2021 at 7:55 PM, dyslexic dog said:

So Ollie is sitting in a pub and Sven walks in and sits down next to him. Ollie says, "see that bridge over there? I built it. Do they call me Ollie the bridge builder? NO. and you see that boat out in the harbor? I built that. Do they call me Ollie the boat builder? NO. But I tell ya, ya fuck one goat....."

It's MacGregor and it was a sheep.

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8 hours ago, Left Shift said:

It's MacGregor and it was a sheep.

MacGregor was the one about being caught interfering with a sheep. During the trial the local copper was giving evidence of what happened.

"Mr MacGregor was seen taking a sheep into the barn.

Mr MacGregor was seen dropping his trousers and interfering with the sheep."

Murmers where heard around the courtroom.

"After Mr MacGregor has interfered with the sheep, the sheep turned around and lucked his testicle."

A gasp was heard from the court. Then in the following silence, an old guy in the jury turned to the man next to him and whispered

"A good sheep will do that, you know."

 

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Just now, Gissie said:

MacGregor was the one about being caught interfering with a sheep. During the trial the local copper was giving evidence of what happened.

"Mr MacGregor was seen taking a sheep into the barn.

Mr MacGregor was seen dropping his trousers and interfering with the sheep."

Murmers where heard around the courtroom.

"After Mr MacGregor has interfered with the sheep, the sheep turned around and licked his testicles."

A gasp was heard from the court. Then in the following silence, an old guy in the jury turned to the man next to him and whispered

"A good sheep will do that, you know."

 

 

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You left out the first part of the joke:

McGregor gets busted for sheepfucking. He asks around about a lawyer. Turns out there are only two lawyers in town.

One is McGillicuddy, who is a lay preacher, the most respectable man in town, and very expensive. He definitely would not defend a man accused of sheepfucking.

The other is C.U. Jummy, who is a terrible lawyer, a terrible drunk, very cheap, and a genius at jury selection.

Jummy does his thing during jury selection, then passes out......and then.....the constable starts giving his evidence etc.

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May be an image of text that says 'Drunk people run stop signs STOP High people wait for them to turn green'

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May be an image of one or more people and text that says 'What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.'

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May be an image of computer keyboard and text that says 'Where do astronauts hang out? 日'

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My wife and I went out to eat last Friday night at a Mexican restaurant and I ordered the burrito grande.  I had a cold beer with it and it was way too much to eat. 
 
When the waitress came back, she looked at what was left on my plate and said, "you wanna a box for those left overs?" 
 
I said, "No, but I'll arm wrestle ya."
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Have you ever made a wish and got what you wanted, only to find the reality did not match your expectation? Or that it somehow didn’t fulfill you in the way you thought it would?

Be careful what you wish for, lest it come true!

The origin of this saying is Aesop’s Fables, the world’s best known collection of morality tales (circa 260 BC).

Kudos if you recognized the source!

There’s a reason so many lottery winners end up as cautionary tales — as depressed, broke, or worse. It’s because they have a clear idea of what they want, but they don’t consider how their lives will change when they get it.

When we get what we want, we wind up less happy than when we started.

It’s ironic isn’t it?

We often fail to consider the implications of our wishes coming true..!

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Ahh... wishes can be twisted in many ways to go all wrong.

Woodie could get himself a pair of cougars, and even if the genie got the correct species, they could make him miserable.  Easily.

Booth could get that Mercedes, and then hate having to babysit the thing.

Snaggs could learn how to spell, and that would ruin the space time continuum.  

Wofsey could get the brakes fixed on his Ford/Mazda whatever car, and it gets taco'd by a tree.

The list is endless here on SA...   And it can all end badly.

Best to wish for something nice for someone else.  In a good way.

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I'm going to send this to my math teacher missus to show her kids

 

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Cultural differences.

European out of office message: "I'm away sailing for the summer. Email again in September."  

American out of office message: "I left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery, but you can reach me on my cell anytime."
 

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May be an image of text that says 'Just wanted to take a second And watch while you get that hair off the screen.'

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When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a bold proposal;

- Whoever dares to jump, swim to the coast and survive, I'll give you $ 1 million.

No one dared to move, suddenly, a man jumped into the water and desperately swam to the shore while being chased by all the crocodiles.

With enormous luck came, taking everyone's admiration at the scene, then the owner announced;

- We have a brave winner.

After collecting his reward, the couple returned to the hotel, upon arrival, the manager told him; he was very brave to jump, then the man said;

- I didn't jump, someone pushed me!

His wife smiled...

Moral: ′′ Behind every successful man, there's a woman who pushes him".

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On 5/4/2021 at 10:07 PM, P_Wop said:

Cultural differences.

European out of office message: "I'm away sailing for the summer. Email again in September."  

American out of office message: "I left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery, but you can reach me on my cell anytime."
 

 

And out of the two, guess who is doing it right?

 

;)

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A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her
blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."
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dontcha just love a dentist with sense of humor ...

May be an image of outdoors and text that says 'DENTAL OFFICE PARKING ONLY ALL OTHERS WILL BE PAINFULLY EXTRACTED'

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May be an image of 1 person, outdoors and text that says 'STAT'
 
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
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8 hours ago, Bump-n-Grind said:
May be an image of 1 person, outdoors and text that says 'STAT'
 
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

 

My Dad has actually used this on 5 cops, they sent him on his way each time.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Barbadan are all sitting outside the maternity ward where their wives are giving birth.  Eventually the nurse comes out and says, "Congratulations, you each have a fine son.  However my junior has mixed them all up, and we're run out of name badges, so if you could go in and identify your own son from family resemblance, that would help." 

The Englishman goes in first and comes out with a black baby.  "Hey, mon," says the Barbadan, "but isn't that one likely to be mine?"  

"Probably," says the Englishman.  "But one of those in there is French, and I'm not taking chances."

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On 5/13/2021 at 7:46 PM, dyslexic dog said:

Just got done playing hockey. We were sitting in the parking lot drinking a beer when the guy next to me asks "what do you call a good looking woman on the arm of the goalie?.....

 

 

A tattoo"

:lol:

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May be an image of fruit and text that says 'Banana Bread. Follow me for more recipes.'

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May be an image of 1 person and text that says '"Meh, good enough." -Mediocrates'

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2 hours ago, Bump-n-Grind said:

May be an image of 1 person and text that says '"Meh, good enough." -Mediocrates'

Guy walks into an Athens tailor and hands the guy behind the counter a pair of pants.

The counter guys says:  "Euripides?"

The pants guy says:  "Yeah, Eumenides?"

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May be an image of indoor and text that says 'Hi Everyone. My girlfriend asked me how long it takes to charge my guitar. I laughed, and then I cried. Now, just need some time alone.'

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45 minutes ago, chester said:

I was hoping for a pic of the girlfriend

If you've ever played a really good Les Paul you'd understand why rock star wives and GFs come and go, but the vintage Les Paul stays. 

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I had my physical last week and my Dr told me "Not to eat anything fatty"

So I asked him, "Do you mean avoid things like ice cream and chili cheese burgers?"

"No" he sighed, "I meant don't eat anything you fatty"

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May be an image of outdoors and text that says 'shitty cruise but great buffet'

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20 hours ago, Cruisin Loser said:

If you've ever played a really good Les Paul you'd understand why rock star wives and GFs come and go, but the vintage Les Paul stays. 

My wine red 79’ custom is of that status.

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21 minutes ago, d'ranger said:

To stop me from going off on all the guitar puns I would ask

Why was he called the Lone Ranger? What was Tonto, chopped liver?

He was a savage, subhuman animal?

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image.png.d75d2f87b277fb2800d3627b94222b3f.png

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On 5/21/2021 at 12:28 PM, Windward said:

He is a roadside attraction.

If you're ever near Warren, Ohio, check out the alley behind a new tech incubator across from the park downtown ... back there is the biggest set of drum sticks in the world, dedicated to Warren hometown hero, Dave Grohl.

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A Priest entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Priest not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Priest to get rid of the donkey.
The Priest decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
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