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I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for th

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

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5 hours ago, Laurent said:

Don't hold back, tell us the truth... Somebody shat in your cereals this morning?

 

 

Even though in principle, I agree with you... And being French, let's face it, it was a fierce competition with the Brits on who took the most from colonies historic and artistice heritage.

I don't eat cereal on the morning.  I'm just getting old and fed up with the world.  

I wouldn't feel too bad if I were you, the Nazis probably stole a lot of the stolen artwork your guys stole.  Kind of adding insult to injury, don't you think?  Besides, I love good Bordeaux and Burgundy and I love Paris  and St. Tropez, and the food isn't too bad either, so I go easy on you folks.

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4 hours ago, SloopJonB said:

A Brit or two definitely did something nasty to Ed in the past.

Not to me personally.  To the world.

I guess I forgot that this is the joke thread.  I hope I didn't harsh anybody's mellow too much.

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46 minutes ago, Ed Lada said:

Not to me personally.  To the world.

I guess I forgot that this is the joke thread.  I hope I didn't harsh anybody's mellow too much.

Gee, that's a bit tough when a lot of Brits died because the country stood up for Poland.

 

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12 minutes ago, Rambler said:

Gee, that's a bit tough when a lot of Brits died because the country stood up for Poland.

 

And what does that have to do with it?  OK, the Brits are only mostly evil, not totally evil.   They declared war, sat around for almost a year and then got thrown off of the Continent and didn't get back until June 1944.  Nor were any regular UK forces ever fighting in Poland.  Declaring war on Hitler didn't stop Hitler or the Soviets from defeating and occupying Poland and doing horrible things.  Polish pilots helped win the Battle of Britain in spite of the pilots being treated like shit by the Brits, and made several other large contributions to the Allied effort. 

How about this one.  The United kingdom lost a total, military and civilians of 450,000 people, about 65,000 of that number were civilians. A little less than 1% of the population.  Not saying the UK didn't try, but they had the lowest casualty rates of any major country fighting in WW II.  And the casualty numbers included all of the Colonial soldiers as well, not just native Brits.

Poland lost 6 million people, of which all but about 240,000 were civilians.  20% of the population.  

And why wasn't Arthur 'Bomber' Harris tried for war crimes?

So let's not go there, OK?

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25 minutes ago, Ed Lada said:

And why wasn't Arthur 'Bomber' Harris tried for war crimes?

Because "Winner".

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6 hours ago, Ed Lada said:

 I'm just getting old and fed up with the world.  

I no ist tempteng, butte dointe accepte thet thouht, stay youngue, keepe drickeng, enjoye you life........              :)

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5 hours ago, Snaggletooth said:

I no ist tempteng, butte dointe accepte thet thouht, stay youngue, keepe drickeng, enjoye you life........              :)

Don't worry, I still have fun and sometimes I even laugh and smile!

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1 hour ago, Tunnel Rat said:

 

Thanks for the clarification, I was puzzled at first.

And thanks for the admonishment, I can't promise anything but I hear you and the others.

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54 minutes ago, bowman81 said:

Fuck me, both the joke thread and the meme thread have dissolved into discussions... Time to get another drink 

Well look at the upside.  Any good reason to have another drink can't be all bad!

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3 hours ago, Ed Lada said:

And thanks for the admonishment, I can't promise anything but I hear you and the others.

How does a Marxist masturbate?

By seizing the means of reproduction.

 

A Marxist, an anarchist and a Democratic Socialist go into a bar.

Bartender says, "Sorry guys, come back when you're 21."

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2 minutes ago, RedTuna said:

A Marxist, an anarchist and a Democratic Socialist go into a bar.

Bartender says, "Sorry guys, come back when you're 21."

I think they left out Libertarian.

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7 minutes ago, Ed Lada said:

I think they left out Libertarian.

At least tell a joke

A libertarian, a vegan, and a pilot walk into a bar.  How do you know which is which?

Don't worry, they'll fucking tell you.
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28 minutes ago, RedTuna said:

At least tell a joke

A libertarian, a vegan, and a pilot walk into a bar.  How do you know which is which?

Don't worry, they'll fucking tell you.

I've posted a few actual jokes in this thread.

I didn't start the political stuff but once somebody opened the door, then I felt compelled to comment. And then I apologized for it a couple of times to you and others, and you reacted with mocking and scorn. 

You can't have it both ways buddy.  There's a possibility the next time I proffer an olive branch it will only be a ruse to get you close enough so I can shove it up your ass.  :lol:

For a site where anarchy features prominently in the name, there sure are a lot of soft and tender types here.  I've always thought if you want to run with the big dogs, you need to be able to piss in the tall grass.

Now I will try to think of an acceptable joke to post here.

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54 minutes ago, Ed Lada said:

I've posted a few actual jokes in this thread.

I didn't start the political stuff but once somebody opened the door, then I felt compelled to comment. And then I apologized for it a couple of times to you and others, and you reacted with mocking and scorn. 

You can't have it both ways buddy.  There's a possibility the next time I proffer an olive branch it will only be a ruse to get you close enough so I can shove it up your ass.  :lol:

For a site where anarchy features prominently in the name, there sure are a lot of soft and tender types here.  I've always thought if you want to run with the big dogs, you need to be able to piss in the tall grass.

Now I will try to think of an acceptable joke to post here.

Keep the political comments out of GA, take them to PA, and I won't mock or belittle you. 

Fun fact:  According to the American Association of Pediatrics, fewer then one and a half percent of people over six years of age fetishize putting objects up their own or others' rectums.

But this is a joke thread.

What's the difference between a joke and two dicks?

You can't take a joke.

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40 minutes ago, RedTuna said:

Keep the political comments out of GA, take them to PA, and I won't mock or belittle you. 

Fun fact:  According to the American Association of Pediatrics, fewer then one and a half percent of people over six years of age fetishize putting objects up their own or others' rectums.

But this is a joke thread.

What's the difference between a joke and two dicks?

You can't take a joke.

Oh my Red.  We've both been here for a longish time, it's OK to call you Red isn't it?  You can call me Ed, it's OK.  Just don't call me late for dinner.  Ahahahahaha.  There's a joke.

I have said a couple of times that I would try to refrain from posting political shit here but I couldn't promise anything.  I think that's honest and reasonable.  Should I maintain enough self control to not post that stuff, It will have nothing to do with your mocking and belittling or not.  You can do that all you like.  If I manage to do it it will be out of general respect for the community, especially the ones that don't like it as well but don't post about it here.

So can we be friends now?  

 

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11 hours ago, RedTuna said:

 

thats bait.jpg

Red, you are a tough nut to crack.  I don't set out bait, if I feel the need I just attack head on, no need for games.  

I mean what I say and I say what I mean.  Except when I don't, which is rare.

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On 7/16/2021 at 9:21 AM, Ed Lada said:

Don't worry, I still have fun and sometimes I even laugh and smile!

Do not go gentle, etc. etc. etc.

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1 hour ago, floating dutchman said:

t0ltshq0zpb71.thumb.jpg.035998fb550721aeb1d8770eebf99884.jpg

Exactly why Vowels for Poland needs your extra vowels!  

Please, give 'til it hurts, think of the children!

VfP appreciates all of the donations we've received and thanks each and every one of you but the battle is far from over.

 

I showed that to my wife and she said; "Even I have trouble saying that name."

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5 hours ago, floating dutchman said:

t0ltshq0zpb71.thumb.jpg.035998fb550721aeb1d8770eebf99884.jpg

One of the best recurring bits in Barney Miller was people asking Wojciehowicz  (Wojo) how he spelled his name.

His long suffering response?

"Just the way it sounds"

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I hope this hasn't been previously posted

 

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We screw them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

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45 minutes ago, RedTuna said:

With 17 years of jokes, this one is probably already here

polish bride.jpeg

That's stereotypes for you!

My Polish wife's maiden name (Weiser) is actually German, the family was from the southwest part of Poland that was under German control at various times in history. 

My last name is straight off the boat from my Polish grandfather.  Four letters, two of them the same vowel, probably the shortest, easiest Polish name ever.  I did a little research when I moved here and there are only a few thousand Ladas in Poland (pop. ~ 38 million) currently. 

I don't know how many people in the US have told me my last name couldn't possibly be Polish.  They claim it's too short, too simple and doesn't end in 'ski'.  Oh really?

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4 hours ago, Ed Lada said:

 I did a little research when I moved here and there are only a few thousand Ladas in Poland (pop. ~ 38 million) currently.

That's because they all rusted out.

How many Trabants are there?

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3 minutes ago, SloopJonB said:

That's because they all rusted out.

:lol:

3 minutes ago, SloopJonB said:

How many Trabants are there?

Not many anymore.  When I returned to Germany in 1999 the 1st 2 years I wasn't far from the border with Czech and the former East Germany.  So on trips east or even on the roads in the west, Trabis were not rare.  But now, 22 years later you don't see to many in the wild.  The cardboard and carboard derivatives probably finally rotted away.

Same thing with what the Poles call the mały Fiat or little Fiat, Fiat 126 P is the official name. Built in the Soviet Union with Fiat design and assistance.  I can't help but think it was heavily based on the Fiat 500. They used to be everywhere but I haven't seen one in a while.

Mały Fiat ma 35 lat   

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9 hours ago, Ed Lada said:

That's stereotypes for you!

My Polish wife's maiden name (Weiser) is actually German, the family was from the southwest part of Poland that was under German control at various times in history. 

My last name is straight off the boat from my Polish grandfather.  Four letters, two of them the same vowel, probably the shortest, easiest Polish name ever.  I did a little research when I moved here and there are only a few thousand Ladas in Poland (pop. ~ 38 million) currently. 

I don't know how many people in the US have told me my last name couldn't possibly be Polish.  They claim it's too short, too simple and doesn't end in 'ski'.  Oh really?

BOOB ?

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On 7/15/2021 at 2:55 PM, Ed Lada said:

And what does that have to do with it?  OK, the Brits are only mostly evil, not totally evil.   They declared war, sat around for almost a year and then got thrown off of the Continent and didn't get back until June 1944.  Nor were any regular UK forces ever fighting in Poland.  Declaring war on Hitler didn't stop Hitler or the Soviets from defeating and occupying Poland and doing horrible things.  Polish pilots helped win the Battle of Britain in spite of the pilots being treated like shit by the Brits, and made several other large contributions to the Allied effort. 

How about this one.  The United kingdom lost a total, military and civilians of 450,000 people, about 65,000 of that number were civilians. A little less than 1% of the population.  Not saying the UK didn't try, but they had the lowest casualty rates of any major country fighting in WW II.  And the casualty numbers included all of the Colonial soldiers as well, not just native Brits.

Poland lost 6 million people, of which all but about 240,000 were civilians.  20% of the population.  

And why wasn't Arthur 'Bomber' Harris tried for war crimes?

So let's not go there, OK?

How does it become the Brits problem that you parked your weakass country on a natural invasion route between two big places that matter, and then forgot to buy any tanks?

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5 minutes ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

do you know how many countries celebrate independence day from England?

Curiously, my last boss, a Welshmen (from Wales, not Great Brittan), said Thanksgiving day was widely celebrated in Great Brittan. Only the Brittish, with no good reason, could savor over cooked turkey.:D

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On 7/18/2021 at 9:27 PM, Ed Lada said:

:lol:

Not many anymore.  When I returned to Germany in 1999 the 1st 2 years I wasn't far from the border with Czech and the former East Germany.  So on trips east or even on the roads in the west, Trabis were not rare.  But now, 22 years later you don't see to many in the wild.  The cardboard and carboard derivatives probably finally rotted away.

Same thing with what the Poles call the mały Fiat or little Fiat, Fiat 126 P is the official name. Built in the Soviet Union with Fiat design and assistance.  I can't help but think it was heavily based on the Fiat 500. They used to be everywhere but I haven't seen one in a while.

Mały Fiat ma 35 lat   

Looks quite like the Fiat 126, aka the Bambino:

image.jpeg.b2006add44598a58a9b62e5cf7257fab.jpeg

rather than the Fiat 500:

1969 Fiat 500 For Sale For Sale in Glasnevin, Dublin from Cameron Cars

Both cute cars.

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1 hour ago, Black Sox said:

Looks quite like the Fiat 126, aka the Bambino:

image.jpeg.b2006add44598a58a9b62e5cf7257fab.jpeg

rather than the Fiat 500:

1969 Fiat 500 For Sale For Sale in Glasnevin, Dublin from Cameron Cars

Both cute cars.

That's why I said that the name was the Fiat 126 P.  perhaps the 'P' meant Poland.

But given that the Fiat 500 was launched in 1957, it wouldn't surprise me if the 126 which went into production in 1972, grew out of that design.

From Autoevolution.com:

"The first generation of the Fiat 500 was produced for almost 18 years and when Fiat decided that it was time for a new model, they released the Fiat 126 in 1972."

The 'new' Fiat 500 was first made in 2007.

Below are my brother and I (left), standing through the sun roof of my Italian cousin's Fiat 500 in Rome in 1970.  I don't know what year it was from, but I think it was pretty old.

 

Fiat 500 c.jpg

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12 hours ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

do you know how many countries celebrate independence day from England?

About 1/3 of them. 

The leverage that early industrialization gave to the UK was quite astounding. Humans will act like humans - whether British or whoever - but they seldom get the opportunity to let their greed, avarice and tribal sense of superiority run riot. The technological advances made by Britain in the 17th and 18th centuries set them up to do pretty much whatever they wanted in the world.  It's an incredible period in world history. 

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7 hours ago, Black Sox said:

Looks quite like the Fiat 126, aka the Bambino:

image.jpeg.b2006add44598a58a9b62e5cf7257fab.jpeg

 

That and the Lada AKA Fiat 128 were one of the finest illustrations of the incompetence of the "communist" eastern european governments.

Fiat sold them the entire Fiat production setup - design, factory, tooling - everything to build the 128 relabeled as the Lada.

Even given all that they could even build the thing as badly as the Italians.

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Bob was excited about his new hunting rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.”  After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzle bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Bob. That bear was my cousin and you’ve got two choices- either I maul your to death or we have rough sex.”  Again, Bob thought it was better to co-operate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob.

Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder, He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, “Admit it, Bob, you don’t come here just for the hunting, do you?”

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3 hours ago, SloopJonB said:

That and the Lada AKA Fiat 128 were one of the finest illustrations of the incompetence of the "communist" eastern european governments.

Fiat sold them the entire Fiat production setup - design, factory, tooling - everything to build the 128 relabeled as the Lada.

Even given all that they could even build the thing as badly as the Italians.

I wanna say that the Lada was the 131.  It was bigger than the128s I knew in the US anyway.  I still see them here now and then.  They are known as the duza Fiat, meaning the big Fiat.  Clever people these Poles.  My wife's father had one during the commie days.  It only took 8 years to get it.

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May be an image of tree and text that says 'Two Mafia hit-men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night. One of them says, "I gotta admit I'm scared out here." The other replies, "You're scared.. gotta walk back alone!"'

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19 hours ago, Ed Lada said:

That's why I said that the name was the Fiat 126 P.  perhaps the 'P' meant Poland.

But given that the Fiat 500 was launched in 1957, it wouldn't surprise me if the 126 which went into production in 1972, grew out of that design.

From Autoevolution.com:

"The first generation of the Fiat 500 was produced for almost 18 years and when Fiat decided that it was time for a new model, they released the Fiat 126 in 1972."

The 'new' Fiat 500 was first made in 2007.

Below are my brother and I (left), standing through the sun roof of my Italian cousin's Fiat 500 in Rome in 1970.  I don't know what year it was from, but I think it was pretty old.

 

Fiat 500 c.jpg

In ex-yugoslavia the badge on 126p was Polski Fiat (I see the production was until 2000 :) l

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11 hours ago, Ed Lada said:

I wanna say that the Lada was the 131.  It was bigger than the128s I knew in the US anyway.  I still see them here now and then.  They are known as the duza Fiat, meaning the big Fiat.  Clever people these Poles.  My wife's father had one during the commie days.  It only took 8 years to get it.

The Zastava/Lada was a Fiat 124, made on worn-out tooling, using rust-prone USSR steel. The Fiat 124 was not a bad car, I had one as a work vehicle for a while and couldn't break it. It responded well to driving Italian-style: red-line it through the gears all day.

The Lada version was a notorious piece of shit.

Aussie racing legend Peter Brock had a go at importing them in the 70's. Even with the $2,000 per car necessary  remedial work on arrival, he was able to offer them really cheap.

The first 7-day test by a top motoring journalist ended on the morning of day 2, when the car spontaneously combusted in his driveway. That pretty much ended it.....

 

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1 hour ago, Happy said:

The Zastava/Lada was a Fiat 124, made on worn-out tooling, using rust-prone USSR steel. The Fiat 124 was not a bad car, I had one as a work vehicle for a while and couldn't break it. It responded well to driving Italian-style: red-line it through the gears all day.

The Lada version was a notorious piece of shit.

Aussie racing legend Peter Brock had a go at importing them in the 70's. Even with the $2,000 per car necessary  remedial work on arrival, he was able to offer them really cheap.

The first 7-day test by a top motoring journalist ended on the morning of day 2, when the car spontaneously combusted in his driveway. That pretty much ended it.....

 

I wouldn't be so harsh on the Lada-Fiat.  Chevy just issued a recall notice for some of their Bolt electric cars and advised owners of them to park outside, not in their garage because the vehicle might burst into flames at any time.  And they aren't the only ones.  Teslas have been know to spontaneously combust as well as others.  At least the Lada was cheap!

"July 19, 2021—The National Highway Traffic and Safety Administration is recommending owners of 2017-2019 Chevrolet Bolts to park their vehicles away from their home due to fire risk, TechCrunch reported."

"Two recent fire incidents have caused the announcement. The vehicles in question were also part of a November 2020 recall to remedy an issue that was causing battery packs to start on fire." 

“Out of an abundance of caution, we are asking owners of 2017-2019 Chevrolet Bolt EVs who were part of the recall population to park their vehicles outdoors immediately after charging and not leave their vehicles charging overnight while we investigate these incidents.”

 "GM says it has potentially identified a remedy to the battery anomalies. The diagnostic software GM used to identify the anomalies will be standard in 2022 Bolts, and other future GM vehicles, the automaker said."

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16 hours ago, Ed Lada said:

... It only took 8 years to get it.

Reminds me of a joke they used to tell in the Czech Republic back in the day:

Guy finally manages to save up enough for the downpayment on a new Trabant. Excitedly, he goes to the dealer and places the order. Of course, the color was easy to choose, only beige/grey available. Options? Not much to add there. So paperwork in order, the salesman says: 'right sir, you should come and pick the car up on October 15, 2032!'

The guy is a bit surprised, and asks: 'Is that in the morning or the afternoon?'

Salesman: 'Whut?'

Guy: 'Yeah, the plumber's coming round in the morning...'

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12 hours ago, Bump-n-Grind said:

May be an image of tree and text that says 'Two Mafia hit-men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night. One of them says, "I gotta admit I'm scared out here." The other replies, "You're scared.. gotta walk back alone!"'

Much like the Jimmy Carr joke.

I picked up a hitchhiker. He was nice enough then he asked why I picked him up and whether I was afraid he could be a serial killer.  I reassured him that odds of 2 serial killers being in the same car were extraordinarily low.

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A grad student was working on her PhD in anthropology and researching for her thesis titled “Dichotomous Dystopian Misogyny in Contemporary Central American Folklore”. She traveled to rural Mexico to track down Poncho ‘Two Guns’ Valdez, a mythic bandito of the Central American highlands.

She walked into a bar and asked the bar tender. “Do you know Poncho ‘Two Guns’ Val-“

“Shhhhh… Do not speak that name in here!” Snapped the bar tender. “I know of no such man.” Then he leaned forward and whispered, “There is a man in the back room named Taco ‘No Guns’ Marco.” He looked around cautiously and with a wink, and a head nod, mouthed the words, “Ask him.”

She walked into the back room and sitting quietly at a table under a massive sombrero was a rough looking man. He starred intently at the empty shot glass in front of him. She sat across from him and said, “Are you Taco ‘No Guns’ Marco?”. He slowly nodded in the affirmative. Encouraged, she continued, “Do you know Poncho ‘Two Guns’ Valdez?” He slowly lifted his head, and out from under the brim of the sombrero two wild eyes revealed themselves and burned a hole in her soul.

“Do I know ‘Two Guns’? The baddest bandito in the land?” He chuckled, “Yes, I know him.”

The researcher’s excitement was palpable. She’d spent months scouring the Mexican highlands, and even a few weeks in the midlands, and had heard only stories, told in soft voices by terrified peasants and they looked over their shoulders, and now, finally, here was a friend of the great ‘Two Guns’ and he was talking!

Without being prompted he continued. “Let me tell you a story my friend. It was 15 years ago. It was a hot day at high noon and I tending sheep in the lowlands-“

“The lowlands!” Blurted out the researcher. “Of course, the Lowlands! I should have guessed!”

“I was tending sheep in the lowlands, like I said, and from the distance a man on a horse approached. As he came closer I saw a great big man on a white horse, with two guns in holsters on his hips, and I could smell the tequila on his breath even from a distance. As he approached he yelled “I am Poncho ‘Two Guns’ Valdez, the baddest bandito in the land. Do you fear me peasant?”, I nodded yes, as I truly was terrified.”

“Then what happened?” prompted the researcher.

“Well, he asked me my name and I said that I was Taco ‘No Guns’ Marco. He laughed, then screamed, “Drop your pants, peasant!”, and seeing that Two Guns had two guns and No Guns had no guns, I dropped my pants.”

The doctoral student was very excited now, and as she tried to think how to fit the word “homoerotic” into her thesis title, NO Guns he continued.

“Then, he said “Bend over!”” I hesitated, but he said. “I am Two Guns with two guns, and you are No Guns with no guns. I am the baddest bandito in the land and you are a sheep herder. You bend over now or you will die.”

“So I bent over and looked up and saw a big shit-eating grin on his face. Then he said, “Shit.””

“Shit?” asked the doctoral student confusedly.

“Yes, shit. So, with Two Guns having two guns and No Guns having no guns, I shit. And then Two Guns says “Eat shit.” I hesitated again and Two Guns says “Two guns, two guns. No Guns? No guns. Eat shit.” So I ate shit.”

“Now Two guns thought that this was so funny that he was really laughing. He laughed so hard that he fell off his horse and his two guns fell from their holsters and landed right in front of me. I picked them up and pointed them at Two Guns. He stumbled to his feet and looked at me with the blackest, meanest eyes I’ve ever seen.”

“Did you kill him?” asked the doctoral student, not knowing what answer she wished to hear.

“No.” said No Guns, and the doctoral student let out a relieved sigh that surprised her.

“No,” he repeated. “I told him “Drop your pants, bandito!”, and seeing that No Guns had two guns and Two Guns had no guns, he dropped his pants.”

“Then, I said “Bend over!”” He hesitated, but I yelled. “I am No Guns with two guns, and you are Two Guns with no guns. You are the baddest bandito in the land and I am a sheep herder... with two mother fucking guns. You bend over now or you will die.”

So he bent over and looked up at me with my big shit-eating grin. Then I said, “Shit. So he shit. And then I said “Eat shit.” He hesitated again and I said“No Guns, two guns. Two Guns? No guns. Eat shit.” So he ate shit.”

There was a long pause. Confused, the doctoral student asked No Guns, “Then what happened?”

“I got on the horse and rode away as fast as I could,” replied No Guns matter-of-factly.

“I thought you said you *knew* him?”

“Well, we had lunch together.”
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2 hours ago, dolphinmaster said:

Yea, but the last one was tasteless or terribly distasteful

It is one of those "I will never get back those 3 minutes of my life" joke but offensive to no one and still worth a chuckle.

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6 hours ago, dolphinmaster said:

Yea, but the last one was tasteless or terribly distasteful

I can do tasteful.

A cook during medieval times is ordered to prepare a feast for the king. Knowing this was a feast for the king, the cook prepared everything diligently and carefully. At the day of the feast, the king and his guests arrive and begin to eat. They are in love with the food from the lamb to the roast duck to even the soups. The king recognized the cooks ability and made him a top chef of the kingdom. Many apprentices flocked across the world to be his student, but the cook never took any in. Until he came upon one apprentice he was very fond of. This man did everything precisely and worked hard and he finally decided to take him in as his apprentice. On the first day, the apprentice first asked, "what makes your food so tasty and amazing?" The cook merely replied, "A secret ingredient," and said nothing more. After a month of serving many delicious dishes with the cook, the apprentice claims, "It's been almost a month now and you have never let me prepare the final part of the dishes we make; what is the secret that makes ur food so good?" The cook merely replies, "A secret ingredient," and he never brings up the subject for a while. A year has now passed and the apprentice asks again," we have served the kingdom with food and yet you have never told me what the final preparation is nor have you showed it to me; what is it?" The cook merely replies, "A secret ingredient," and the young man gives up. Many decades pass and the cook is now old and ready to die. The apprentice, on his side the whole time, is on his deathbed with the cook. Then with his frail hands, the cook manages to get out a tiny box, open it, and whispers, "It's thyme my friend."
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Being nervous, and embarrassed about my up-coming colonoscopy, on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle.

 

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure...

 

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.

 

"I don't have an erection," I replied.

 

"I do," replied the nurse.

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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.
He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"
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 Kurby is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous 
 redhead   sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he 
 sat  down,  but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
 
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its 
socket towards Kurby. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the 
 air, and  hands it back. 
" Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she  pops her eye back in place.
 
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.
 
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go 
to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
 
After paying for everything, she asks Kurb if he would like to 
come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
 
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
 
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the 
trimmings, Kurby is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !
 
"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this 
 nice to  every guy you meet? "
 
 "No, " she replies. . . . "
 
  "You just happened to catch my eye."

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 MILITARY WISDOM 
  
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it.  That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."  - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance. 
---------------------------------------------------- 
"Aim towards the Enemy."  - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher 
------------------------------------------------------  
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.  - U.S. Marine Corps 
------------------------------------------------------  
"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate.  The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop  
------------------------------------------------------
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."  - Infantry Journal  
----------------------------------------------------  
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."  - U.S. Air Force Manual  
------------------------------------------------------ 
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."  - General Macarthur   
-----------------------------------------------------
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."   
- Infantry Journal  
------------------------------------------------------  
"You, you, and you ... Panic.  The rest of you, come with me."  
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt. 
------------------------------------------------------ 
"Tracers work both ways."  - U.S. Army Ordnance 
- -----------------------------------------------------   
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal   
-------------------------------------------------------   
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."  - U.S. Navy Swabbie 
---------------------------------------------------  
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." 
- David Hackworth 
-------------------------------------------------------  
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."  - Infantry Journal  
- --------------------------------------------------------   
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."  - Joe Gay   
------------------------------------------------------   
"Any ship can be a minesweeper  Once."   
------------------------------------------------------   
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."   
- Unknown Marine Recruit   
-------------------------------------------------------  
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you"  - Your Buddies   
-------------------------------------------------------  
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."  - USAF Ammo Troop 
-------------------------------------------------------  
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil.  For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."  - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan   
-------------------------------------------------------   
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."  - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)   
-------------------------------------------------------   
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."  
-------------------------------------------------------  
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."  - From an old carrier sailor  
------------------------------------------------------  
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."  
------------------------------------------------------- 
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash." 
-------------------------------------------------------  
"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."   
-------------------------------------------------------   
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?  If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ... The pilot dies."   
-------------------------------------------------------   
"Never trade luck for skill."   
-------------------------------------------------------  
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?"  And "Oh S...!"  
------------------------------------------------------  
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers." 
-------------------------------------------------------  
"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."   
-------------------------------------------------------   
"Airspeed, altitude and brains.  Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."  
-------------------------------------------------------  
"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."  
-------------------------------------------------------   
"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."  
---------------------------------------------------------   
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"   
-------------------------------------------------------   
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."  
-------------------------------------------------------   
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."  
--------------------------------------------------------  
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."  - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)   
--------------------------------------------------------   
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."  - Jon McBride, astronaut   
--------------------------------------------------------   
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."  - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)   
--------------------------------------------------------   
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."   
-------------------------------------------------------   
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."  - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970   
---------------------------------------------------------   
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."  
---------------------------------------------------------   
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air.  Do not go near the edges of it.  The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.  It is much more difficult to fly there."   
-------------------------------------------------------  
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------  
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".  The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"  - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
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The Daily Telegraph recently conducted a poll of male readers to see what exactly each enjoyed from having oral sex performed on them...

Seven percent said they most enjoyed the sensations.

Five percent confessed that their chief enjoyment came from the sense of domination.

A staggering 88 percent said that they really enjoyed the peace and quiet.

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3 hours ago, Bump-n-Grind said:

The Daily Telegraph recently conducted a poll of male readers to see what exactly each enjoyed from having oral sex performed on them...

Seven percent said they most enjoyed the sensations.

Five percent confessed that their chief enjoyment came from the sense of domination.

A staggering 88 percent said that they really enjoyed the peace and quiet.

I licke to watche...................                     :)

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Just watched Leon: The Professional.  Great movie and I was really impressed by Gary Oldman's performance.  So I googled him.  Some really disturbing pictures popped up.  Then I realized I'd left out the r.

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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

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A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer breasts, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
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So haiku came up in the meme thread. Reminded me of this joke.

A coed was desperate to pass a poetry class which she almost failing.  For the final exam, the professor announced the challenge of the year: he wanted the students to write something confident. Philosophical. Something that really meant "no worries."

Everyone went home and stayed up all night writing their final exam poetry.

The next day, she gets up, looks her professor in the eyes, and clears her throat.

"I'll open my blouse.
You will look, feel, and fondle.
We will pass your class."

The slack-jawed professor raises an eyebrow in disbelief at her.

"Haiku?!"

"Nah. M'tata."
 
It's a Lion King joke.  I didn't say it would be a good one.
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5 hours ago, RedTuna said:

So haiku came up in the meme thread. Reminded me of this joke.

A coed was desperate to pass a poetry class which she almost failing.  For the final exam, the professor announced the challenge of the year: he wanted the students to write something confident. Philosophical. Something that really meant "no worries."

Everyone went home and stayed up all night writing their final exam poetry.

The next day, she gets up, looks her professor in the eyes, and clears her throat.

"I'll open my blouse.
You will look, feel, and fondle.
We will pass your class."

The slack-jawed professor raises an eyebrow in disbelief at her.

"Haiku?!"

"Nah. M'tata."
 
It's a Lion King joke.  I didn't say it would be a good one.

Celebrating mom's 80th. We each had a decade to write a poem about. Eight of us surviving kids, eight decades, easy, or not! My next oldest sister wrote beautiful Haiku, 5 simple lines to cover 20-30. The rest of us came up with humorous or telling verse but the beauty and simplicity of the Haiku was spellbinding.

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The three hardest things for a man to say:

1.  I'm sorry. 

2.  I need help. 

3.  Worcestershire sauce.  

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11 minutes ago, Bugsy said:

The three hardest things for a man to say:

1.  I'm sorry. 

2.  I need help. 

3.  Worcestershire sauce.  

You forgot another; "I don't know."

Hat-tip Red Green.

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9 hours ago, Bugsy said:

The three hardest things for a man to say:

1.  I'm sorry. 

2.  I need help. 

3.  Worcestershire sauce.  

Wustah sawsuh in Anglo

Bloody Romans....

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Just in case it hasn't been posted before...

image.png.fd7b4dfdd20b71c68a3f74dbe9eee3ad.png

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A woman buys a mirror at an antique shop.    She hung it on her bathroom door.  As she was looking at her small breasts, she playfully said:
“Mirror mirror on the door… make my breasts size 44”.

A flash of light  blinded her, and when she could see again she saw her breasts had grown to an enormous size….

Quickly she ran down to her husband and explained what happened…
With great hope he ran up the stairs… stood in front of the mirror and said:
“Mirror mirror on the door…. make my penis touch the floor.”

Again a flash of light overwhelmed him.. and when he came to… his penis was touching the floor….  as his legs had vanished.

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