Best Laugh When Sailing

[Cal20sailor 3,479]

I have more than two:

1.  To my brother, how's the main look?  If it looked any better, I'd fuck it.

2.  On a downwind stretch on a J29, we're going 12 with the 3, how much faster can we go?  Me: only one way to find out.  

Guys, add to this.

[Kenny Dumas 408]

Called a perfect lay line in Sarasota Passage in an opposing half knot current with 4 knots boat speed and even banked 2 extra degrees magnetic to be safe since we were leading the third race of the day with two bullets in the bank. The only boat between us and the mark was a J105. We discovered what “sticky in the light” means as she parked head to wind and closed the door   Meantime, the lead boats in our fleet all pile up on starboard like the start of a race but nobody is fetching the mark. Now the  DFL dufus J105 who overstood the mark comes flying in on a close reach screaming “get out of my way or I WILL hit you.” No shit.

The punchline?

 Chris from Charleston starts singing “Clowns on the left of me, jokers on the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you”

The whole fleet inverted and we go 1-1-11 for the day  

Happy Holidaze 

 

[some dude 201]

Tacking duel, leading in the last beat in a match race.  "We're gonna stay on him like a fat kid on cake."  Laughing so hard I couldn't grind the jib in for a sec

[SloopJonB 12,553]

Not me, but a local naviguessing in a race. The skipper had been told the wind would fill in around noon.

At noon he said "Where's the wind you promised me"?

"FFS, it's a weather forecast, not a fucking bus schedule".

[Steam Flyer 8,381]

"I think we're gaining on him, I can almost read his sail numbers now"

- DSK

[Israel Hands 1,241]

Years ago, an older couple had engine trouble approaching the dock. The wife yelled out "Son of a Biscuit!" as she missed the line tossed by a rescuing powerboater.

[Snaggletooth 5,150]

1 hour ago, some dude said:

Tacking duel, leading in the last beat in a match race.  "We're gonna stay on him like a fat kid on cake."  Laughing so hard I couldn't grind the jib in for a sec

In  firste sailboate race, similar situatione when teh welle seasonde owener sayes "We're gonna stick to hime licke shit on a woolle blankett".  Almoeste peede my pantes I laffeng so harde, at the line and the greife hisse wife wase giveng hime.                               

[P_Wop 3,411]

Poking my head out of the nav hatch on the 83 Hobart, middle of the night, and light and variable.  I asked what the breeze was doing.

"Mate, it's up and down like a bride's nightie."

[Gouvernail 3,934]

Last summer we did a beer can race  where I was the only one on the  j-80 who had been sailing more than three times. 
everybody had been there to raise and douse the spinnaker at least a couple times but we had more experienced “other people”

along to make it work. 

so we all talked about exactly how every little move would happen. 

tenThen  we noticed we were going to be the first boat to the mark. 

we came up to a buoy and the douse was ….

fantastic…. Except it was the wrong buoy. 
 

and we turned around and chased the fleet to the next mark 

 

[P_Wop 3,411]

Sailing with the irrepressible Timmy 'Twinstay' Stern in the 1982 Sardinia Cup.  The Swedish Holland 51 Midnight Sun was chartered for the Papua New Guinea team, and had a crew of awful reprobates.

At the start of the first inshore, all 45 boats were naturally keen, and nearly were going to be early.  There was obviously going to be a general recall.

We were half way down the line on starboard, and at ten seconds to go, Tim said, "watch this" and spun the boat almost head to wind.  Shouts and screams of alarm and indignation came from all the boats to windward, then Tim bore away to hard on the wind, and shouted over his shoulder, "Nice day for fucking, hey?"

Nobody came near us at starts for the rest of the week

 

[F_L 122]

After a light air start, one of the crew settled in on the leeward side, straddling the genoa block. When I called for a some trim, some of his man bits were pulled into the block. The result was a loud, hysterical cry of "SCROTUM!". Fortunately no injury and the trimmer figured it out. The whole fleet heard it and there were quite a few laughs.

[Santanasailor 639]

In a minor little race when every boat in the fleet owed us time, after passing two boats to the lee, safely port tacking the first, getting ready to port tack the second when he gave up and tacked, finally we tacked to port, sailed a bit then looked back.  We were to the windward of every boat and every boat was astern.  I noted to Brenda, I think we are in the lead.  

Brenda said. “Shut up and DRIVE the boat!!”  

(We finished the four leg race before the second place boat finished the third leg, in a light breeze, a Santana 20 can outrun the wrath of GOD) 

 

[Steam Flyer 8,381]

Gotta be careful being funny in light air races, don't shake the boat.

In a heavy air race, quite a while back, a new crew flubbed a tack getting lines tangled, falling across the cockpit (fortunately not injured), and nearly going overboard. The genoa, locked aback and the boat stopped in the water, spun us around hard. Realizing what was happening, I put the tiller up and gybed us, making a quick 360 so the crew could get back into position. This also heeled us over again pretty hard, which led one of the crew to call out "Could you give us a fucking break, for just a minute!!"

Considering that we were making a short tack to the finish line, no. This is a really bad time for a break, BUT being a kind and benelovent skipper I figured I'd just try to get thru it all in one piece and explain later.

What the crew didn't realize is that in our quick, unpredictable 360, we were nearly speared a much bigger faster boat that we'd been covering. They owed us time so the race was already over, but I remember the look of shock and panic on their helmsperson's face as they plunged by within a few feet. Wish I'd gotten a photo.

- DSK

[d'ranger 4,311]

On more than one occasion:

Happy crew chatting away and I politely ask if we could interrupt with a short break to race?   I'm sorry, did you want to drive or look around?  Yes, I can be that guy.

[nota 87]

two tragic stupid yuppies I got to LOL at as it happened

I was rowing in the main channel as this fool was going out in a morgan OI 41 at full++ speed

hear the crew yell look out just as he hits the green mark at the end of the strip island dead center

the mast comes down as does the concrete mark pile no injury but lots of screaming yuppies

 

the other was coming from fort lickherdale in the inter-coastal headed south towing a 25 cd with a 26 pearson Ariel by myself about to go under a slow opening bridge

a mid 30's  IOR racer with a triple spreader noodle rig was going hull speed at the slow opening bridge heading north about hollywood

talk about an entitled yuppie he was mad the tender did not open faster as he hit the 1/2 open bridge and broke the noodle in 3 bits no way he was going to be inconvenienced to slow down as he charged into the bridge expecting the tender to open faster to avoid his screw up

then wanted/demanded my info to sue the bridge tender as HIS WITNESS

I had to try not to LOL in his face as one bridge tenders are a mini wage job no money there AND GOVERNMENT OWNED BRIDGE good luck there also

the tender guy has NO speed control to move the multi-ton bridge any faster

the whole disaster was of the boat drivers making [would not call such a fool a captain] even if he did own the boat

so I just told him no you do NOT want me to evidence your  total at fault screw up as you alone ran into that bridge

again  no injury except to ego's and pride a bit of luck with all that wire and alloy raining down

[PurpleOnion 293]

I always recall the words of Jeff - who, while a bit of douche, uttered "I just got an ass full of winch" after some screw up.

[SloopJonB 12,553]

24 minutes ago, nota said:

then wanted/demanded my info to sue the bridge tender as HIS WITNESS

I would have given it to him and sounded sympathetic.

It would be fun to show up in court and say "I was there and it was entirely his own fault".

[Sail4beer 3,411]

Racing the Ensign in a blow we’re all hiking hard when our railmeat loses his fake leg and it slides down under the leeward bench. We keep sailing and I look back and see absolute shock and horror on the face of the new crew member. We forgot to tell her ahead of time that he was an amputee(above the knee) and that it happened all the time…I had a good hard laugh as she was processing what was happening.
 

She now has her 100 ton license and is a graduate of the Merchant Marine Academy operating tugboats and piloting ships.

[nolatom 579]

"I wasn't there, but I been told.."

ridealong guy, no sailing experience, thought "can we lay the Mark?"  was about gay sex.

 

And this one, is "real"--frostbiting in a blizzard of Interclubs upwind, we just barely cleared a starboard-tacker who was a tough competitor.  My crew remarked, "I could see his pupils".

[Delta Dog 20]

Decades ago on an ocean race (one design, Santana 35 fleet in norcal).   Very windy and we were the only one hold to hang onto the chute on the run.  Lead of at least a mile.  We will win for sure but its been a long, rough, very windy days to say the least.

We are power reaching past mile rock and headed for the gate.  The owner comes up with the idea of resetting the kite so we can finish looking good.   

Rich (owner) - "what do you think of putting the kite back up?"

Crew up front, Lauren, say to Rich the owner "How do you make a hard-on last?"  

Rich - "I don't know"

Lauren - "Ya don't fuck with it"

Needless to say, the kite stayed in the bag.

 

[Great Red Shark 670]

22 minutes ago, Sail4beer said:

She now has her 100 ton license and is a graduate of the Merchant Marine Academy operating tugboats and piloting ships.

First day at the academy:  "You have sailing experience?"  

"Let me tell you about the time I was class boat racing and one of the crew's leg fell off."

"Oh yeah,  she's one of us."

 

 

[sugarbird 141]

On a springtime passage from the Abacos to LIS, out in the middle somewhere, lovely sunset, nice breeze and smooth seas. Everybody's in a good mood, just finished a big spaghetti dinner, and I graciously agreed to wash the dishes. There was a slug of sauce left in the big frypan, and the fridge was on the blink, so I handed the pan up to the fellow on watch and said, "Hey Jim, toss this over will you?" He took the pan and said, "Throw it over?" I said, "Yeah," whereupon he promptly threw the pan into the drink. I paused open-mouthed for a second or two, then screamed "WTF?!" He gave me a really innocent look, and goes, "Well, you told me to throw it over!" And then the laughing started.

[nota 87]

no sailing or sail boats in this story but a day in the dinner key marina in coconutt grove miami fla

it was a weekday about 11 am

the delivery  truck diver left the motor running on the unlocked truck to start the mess

now that was a very bad idea as it was a full booze truck and two local wino's happen by at that exact   time who jump in the truck and drive away

so off they go to the docks happy to pass out and consume their score

local cop then jumps in to action as the driver reports the truck missing

and proceeds to give chase after a lap or three around the area the now very very drunks bail out of the truck at the boat launch ramp and decide to go for a swim to get away from the cops who are now arriving in increasing numbers

just as the smugglers in the power boat overloaded with bales pull in to the dock to put their boat on a trailer and are now totally freaking out as the cops are running at them

so the smuggler's raise their   their hands to be cuffed as a surrender jester and are totally shocked as the cop give them a friendly handshake instead of cuffing them as expected, then point to the swimming drunks and ask to use the boat to chase the drunks. smuggler's are shocked but comply

one drunk is quickly hauled aboard but the other is hiding out in sailing clubs moored boats and the chase went on for quite a bit of time with a 1/2 dozen cops on the overloaded bail stuffed boat eventually returning to the ramp/dock with the one drunk and the smugglers

as they dock the smugglers again try to surrender to be arrested only to be hand shake and thanked for their help in getting the one drunk as the cops remain totally clewless of the cargo

so now what to do they are surrounded by friendly cops with an overloaded pot boat expecting any moment to be discovered

guess they will try to go with the flow and haul out the boat ?

well remember they are totally over loaded

boat gets on the trailer and up the ramp when two tyres blow out

cops are still there at the ramp and rush to help their new buddy's get the tyres changed 

cops are very helpful even driving the guys to the tyre store and helping them change the tyres

finally they get done and try to drive away getting up to US1 about a 1/2 mile when an other tyre blows and they abandon the boat and trailer at a closed gas station when the boat sits several days

before it is finally discovered still loaded with bales of pot

I did NOT see it happen but did see the boat at the gas station and knew the drunks and was told the story by many others who did see it go down

one of the drunk got semi famous by being shot by the cops who tryed to cover up his not being armed by planting a gun [but the cops had stole the gun from a guy who reported the theft]

and died after getting a huge payment from the city and over dosing

 

 

[LB 15 6,494]

No one is laughing today but Offshore racing in Australia is a joke.

[unShirley 256]

I love these types of threads, thank you Cal20sailor.

I got two:

In 1981 I spent 6 weeks surfing the east coast of Oz, hanging out with other surfers and living out of an old Falcon in caravan parks.  I didn't realize I had a SoCal accent until the Aussies cracked up every time I opened my mouth.  At Noosa, two dole bludgers I was hanging out with talked me into taking them out on a rental beach cat.  That outings was hilarious. One time when I was flying the hull, the bludger I had sitting to leeward purposely  leaned out to capsize the cat.  I scrambled over the windward hull and didn't get wet. They both howled LOL.  Next, a Hobie 16 went reaching past us and I remarked, "those fucking guys are hauling ass!"  The Aussies again howled LOL because they had never heard anything like that before.  Finally, when it came time to return the boat, I paralleled the beach until I could perfectly time a turn in to surf one of the 1' mush burgers.  The rental guy was all pissed off at me for flying the hull, capsizing, and then surfing the boat in.  I just looked at him and said, "whatever," and walked away.

The other story isn't about a line said, but never less pretty funny (to me anyway).  1983, We were sailing wing and wing  across the Caribbean from Culebra to San Blas Islands on a 35' sloop, about a 5 or 6 day trip IIRC.  We often saw flying fish, albeit they seem to be much smaller in the Caribbean than the ones we see in the Pacific.  I was down below and one of the other crew was napping on a berth in the main saloon when a flying fish flew in through the campionway and hit him right in the face. He awoke with a startle reflex and panic that was pretty damn funny.

[d'ranger 4,311]

So this is/was only funny to me: This one time at band camp when doing a return from a race we are going up the ditch and come to a fork and skipper says go left, I say we always take the outside one and he says no the inside is shorter. I say I think there is a bridge and he has his map out (old days when paper still used) and he says yes but there is plenty of height it's xxx' feet high. I say, hmm, that's pretty tall - his boat and it's me, him and his gf, beautiful fall day so we are motoring along and a fishing boat goes past and they are yelling and waving their arms and owner ignores them. Another hour and we are coming up to the bridge and I can see ain't no way we are gonna fit so I take the helm, owner is reading his map and I let us get oh, less than a boat length from the cables in front of the bridge and tell him to go forward to look - just above the spreaders. So, I turn us around for the 2 hours back and he sez:

oh, it's xxx' wide.  Was hard to hide my smirk. Yeah, I am that guy.

edit: same guy and his gf, next year and bringing boat back in November and I say good chance we will see the whopping cranes and since he is a big time amateur photographer (Galapagos etc) I mention will be pretty cool, they are really tall and white and he says oh no, they are gray - he has been to the reserve and photographed from the viewing stands. I mention that those were probably sand hills, hey, what do I know, right?  So later that day he and his gf are below having a nap...  and there they are some right at the waters edge, including an adult pair with a young one, some stretching their wings to see the black tips etc.  Was awesome sight so later when they come back up I mention we passed some and they were white.  It was quiet after that.  Yeah, I am that guy. 

[basketcase 794]

Last race of a weekend series that we were doing quite well in.... Couple of bad tacks and we find ourselves last at the last downwind turn. Skipper hands me the helm as he heads down below. Returns moments later with a beef tenderloin. He popps open the force 10 and proceeds to barbeque this delicious looking piece of meat. Didn't take long for the smell to make it down course. Finished with another bullet.....

[Couta 835]

Towards the end of a Geelong regatta...and after a BIG night, hungover, we struggle to get to a morning start....multiple divisions in a procession of starts... we line up and smash it, finding ourselves in amongst a massive number of boats as we round to top mark, get the kite set and settle the boat down....only to note that all the boats around us are from another division. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!.....convinced that we'd inadvertently started in the wrong division, the owner stormed below ranting about "ineptitude and drunks" and rhetorically asking why he even bothered....and appeared in the companionway beer in hand. We race on half-heartedly....despondent.... hangover really kicking in....But then someone starts recognising some of the boats we started with are way back..."Hang On...they were definitely with our start".....slowly, thru the fog of hangover and disappointment, we begin to realise....we've Jagged a brilliant first work and have a sizeable lead!!! Owner dumps beer...everyone starts trimming...back in mode we go on to win...race and regatta! Owner later says..."Never doubted it for a second!"

[Leeroy Jenkins 475]

"watch when I show up at the bottle depot with this fuckin thing!" 

*from a friend considering moving on from an aluminum boat 

[Son of Hans 53]

Funnier for others than for me.  Crewing on a C&C 43 for an overnight race, very short-handed.  As night falls we are sailing into a line of storms, so I get sent forward to change the genny single-handed.  Being prudent, I wear a safety harness.  I go forward, clip onto a padeye and get the sail changed.  Then I turn and run back to the cockpit, forgetting all about the safety line trailing between my legs.  Nothing like the sensation of being unexpectedly grabbed by the nuts and flung face down on the deck.

[jamhass 133]

OK, to start, I am a cruiser, and not so much a racer.

On my wife's first overnight passage, we had two crewmembers, one our "unrecovered ocean racer", some 60+ years old who still raced.

Wifey was at the helm, night, 12-foot swell in our favor and 20+ knots of wind, also in our favor.  Under asym and autopilot, with wife punching buttons to keep the spinny happy.  14+ knot boat speed.  Oh yeah, 7.3 kn hull speed.

I was "sorta" double watching with her -- did I mention, her first night watch?  We were more than a bit concerned that it was well past time to bring in the spinny, when our unrecovered ocean racer popped his head out of the companionway, and before we could utter the words to douse the spinny, he looked around, said "Oh, she's sailing nicely" and went back to bed. 

[bgytr 503]

My 1st Annapolis to Newport race in 1979 I think it was.  Building southerly in the afternoon as we were approaching Block Island after 2 days of drifting.  Kite up, broad reaching.  There's a bird on the windex the entire afternoon watch, spinning in circles all afternoon.  We are chatting about it the whole watch.  Towards the end of the watch, one of the off-watch guys, who is bald as a cue ball pokes his head out the companionway, angrily gripes, "what's this shit about a bird on the mast been keeping me awake".  He looks up and splat on his forehead, bird shits on him, then flies away.  

[JEA 29]

2 hours ago, bgytr said:

My 1st Annapolis to Newport race in 1979 I think it was.  Building southerly in the afternoon as we were approaching Block Island after 2 days of drifting.  Kite up, broad reaching.  There's a bird on the windex the entire afternoon watch, spinning in circles all afternoon.  We are chatting about it the whole watch.  Towards the end of the watch, one of the off-watch guys, who is bald as a cue ball pokes his head out the companionway, angrily gripes, "what's this shit about a bird on the mast been keeping me awake".  He looks up and splat on his forehead, bird shits on him, then flies away.  

That funny!!!!!

[eliboat 578]

Racing to Halifax on my friends beautiful classic Rhodes cutter, in an effort to eek out that last .001 knot, in addition to burnishing the bottom, my buddy had decided to plug the through hull for the holding tank.  8 guys eating dinty Moore for a few days…. Somewhere of the coast around Chester someone pumps one last turd in and BOOM, the holding tank exploded completely filling the bilge with shit.   My buddy, being the stand up dude that he is, cleaned it all himself while appreciating the inherent humor in the situation.  
 

Same boat different Halifax race, it was a very slow race and our navigator was booked to navigate on some yacht back in the UK.  Upon finishing, we are waiting in a long line to check in with customs at the YC, and our navigator is freaking out that he is going to miss his flight out.  He convinces us to take him up a bit to a spot where we nose the bow up to shore and he jumps off onto a fence like a fat middle aged spider man and disappears.   A couple of hours later when we finally get to customs, my friend the owner has to explain to customs why we are one short of our manifest.   Being the smooth operator he is, he was able to calm the clear consternation the customs officials had and came sauntering back down to the dock giggling about it all. 

[White Lightning2 626]

Probably the one shared by the most had to be WIRW in the late 90's/ish/. Friday drifter after a pretty decent week and RC is valiantly trying to set a course in the different zephyrs popping up. Afte a bit someone gets on the Race frequency and and says "Race Committee, this is ridiculous" Without missing a beat RC responds "Go ahead Ridiculous, this is the race committee"

Laughter rolling across the race course from one end to the other

 

WL

[PaulK 594]

More customs fun...

We cleared into Greenock, Scotland, where the officers remarked that it was the first time they had ever had to step down into an arriving vessel.  Most of the time they deal with freighters and submarines.  I left the boat and headed for Southampton.  At the dock for the Le Havre ferry I hand my passport to the officer and he thumbs through it.  A couple of times.  "You don't have an entry stamp." he announced.  I explained that it can't be my fault the guys in Scotland didn't stamp my passport. "But you're in the country illegally!" he added. "So I'm leaving!" I replied.  He rolled his eyes, stamped my passport, and waved me on.  

[starsinker 9]

Sailing downwind in a large J24 regatta in Seattle as a 40 knot line squall approached from behind. I was asked if we should take down the kite, i think ‘F’it’ was my reply, to which our French Canadian crew mate remarked in his Québécois accent:

‘Don’t look back - is carnage’.

Moments later our spreader was in the water. 
 

This phrase with accent is our go-to when things get spicy on the water 

[White Lightning2 626]

After a very, very sporty Southern Straits race. Delivery back and early morning departure in the dark and drizzle. Autopilot steering and iron jenny running. Sitting under the delivery dodger sipping coffee. Me, the bowman and trimmer. Bowmans auto-inflate suddenly inflates while he's in mid sip. This after not inflating during the thick of it. Nor on the first aborted attempt at a delivery home. 

He looks down and goes "Yup, it was that kind of a weekend"

 

WL

[d'ranger 4,311]

Evening rum race, skipper invited his latest conquest who brought a huge deli platter and put it on the galley counter. Not much help in racing so when I got the spin down I looked at that platter and thought, that ain't gonna end well - we round the mark harden up and the platter splatters into the spin - deli meats, brie and who knows what - it just stays there until we get back to the dock and we put it away.  Next time hoisted the stains were everywhere so from then on it was the deli cut spin.

[Glenn McCarthy 281]

Super light air start, on a C&C43, Beneteau 42 next to us. Big current pushing prior sections across the line close hauled 23 mile straight line race. B42 is ahead of us giving us gas going across the line.  RC radios 4 minutes later that the B42 was over at the start. They had gotten ahead of us with the gas they'd been giving us. They U-turn, put up the pole, rig the chute and pop it - now downwind even slower against the current not making much headway.

We're all sitting on the low side as we pass each other, I start singing quietly - Na na na na, Na na na na, Hey hey, good by!  Others joined in, and we end up singing at the tops of our lungs.

At least we thought it funny.

[Bump-n-Grind 2,654]

best on my boat was a misunderstanding about the meaning of NOOD. Good looking woman first time on the boat while motoring up to Annapolis past Thomas Pt,

so innocently asks, " so it's kinda chilly out here today, when are we supposed to get nude?"

[Shorthanded 740]

Pretty much anything Sol Rosenberg says during a race. 

[10thTonner 472]

After six or so days away from land, right in the middle of the Atlantic, guy crawls out of the companionway, mug-o-coffee in hand, takes a look around and grunts: “Aaah - here we are!” 

[P_Wop 3,411]

Last one from me.  Doing a 250 mile offshore in the Channel in a half tonner in the 70s.  Yes, were were all quite insane.

There was a horrible 120 mile beat into a stiff 2-reef North-Easter from CH1 to Brighton. Freezing cold, and every second sea soused the three of us camped on the rail.  After two and a half hours of silence, the bowman turns round to the other two of us and says, "I'm glad I'm not out here."

Cracked us all right up.

[justsomeguy! 1,032]

Not while sailing, but afterwards at the dock, a tall g and t in my hand.

Barely into the first third, a pelican dive-bombs for a fish right next to me. 

The resulting splash doused both me and my drink, the drink fatally.

One could only laugh.

[trisail 233]

Good evening,

Many years ago and we are sailing an overnight race on a little 33 footer. A guy called Gavin goes and sit in between Lynnath who is helming, and the compass and instruments, blocking her view.

Gavin asks the stupid question, "Lynnath, am I blocking your view of the instruments?"

Responds Lynnath, "No problem Gavin, just turn your head sideways and I will look through your ears".

Lynnath went on to become a Volvo Ocean Race navigator.

[Somebody Else 889]

As a teenager, we're delivering the boat home after an Ensenada Race. One of those times when it's blowing stink, right on the nose. The 2 adults spend the night in the cockpit, sick as dogs while my high school buddy and I swap off every couple of hours driving. We are approaching Coronado Roads as the sky starts to lighten with approaching dawn. One of the adults, face as green as the Grinch, looks up miserably and utters, "You couldn't pay poor people to do this!"

[eliboat 578]

I was doing a weekend offshore race on a swan  38, and it was blowing 25, gusting into the 30’s.  We get around the back of some island, which was out top mark for the day, hoist the kite and start blasting downwind.  The new kid onboard races to the stern and starts pissing off the back, but just before he does, the owner, while concentrating on his driving says sternly “ Son…you can’t piss into the wind”   Seconds later the kid is covered in piss.   

 

[qwerty57 20]

Many years ago I did a Mid-winter series on a friend's Thunderbird.  One of the races was on an overcast chilly day - typical SF Bay weather - with the wind out of the South instead of the usual Westerly.  We were reaching out toward the first or second mark and the owner decided that the wind was close enough to the beam for us to fly a spinnaker.  I wasn't convinced, but it was his boat, so we popped the chute and, sure enough, a few minutes later it was obvious that we were not going to lay the mark.

Our foredeck guy went up to the foredeck and dropped the spinnaker - right into the bay.  I grabbed it as it went past the cockpit and struggled to haul it in.  Then I heard a splash and the cry "man overboard", it was the foredeck guy.  Dropping the spinnaker, we dove over to the other side of the cockpit, grabbed the  foredeck guy and pushed him down into the cabin where the owner's daughter got him into dry clothes.  We finished hauling the spinnaker about of the water and I repacked it while the owner steered us toward the next mark.  It started raining before we got there. 

We plodded around the rest of the course in grim silence as the cold rain trickled down our necks.

The next day the owner walked into my office (we worked in the same building) and said "Guess how we did in our class". 

"Last place?" 

"No." 

Now I noticed a rather strange expression on his face, so I guessed "First place?"

"Yup" he smirked.

"Did everyone else in our class go home when it started raining?"

"Yeah", he replied, without a smirk this time.

[Amati 1,847]

Delivery of brand new Amati, Olympia to Shilshole. We’d been motoring, finally got a nice North 6 knot January breeze looking at the South end of Bainbridge. 2nd sail ever (1st was in ghosting conditions after launching on the Columbia River), slack tide, starboard tack, taking a look at when to tack and lay Shilshole. No instruments.  Kind of a not yet…not yet… situation, since everybody- me, my wife, Steve Rander and some of the Schooner Creek lads-had different opinions on what Amati’s tacking angle might be, so we decided to wait until 90 degrees just to be on the safe side, since we were running a bit late, and while it was a brilliant sunny day in January, it was cold as fuck, and tacking more than once to get in seemed like self abuse, but I was determined to sail, so we tack, and get settled on port -running backs got tangled on the batten ends, under deck main control lines got gnarly- finally look over at Shilshole, and we’re pointing at The Highlands. Steve says something like ‘Holy Fuck, she really does point’.  And maybe it was hypothermia, but everybody was laughing as we put the her nose down, reaching under blade & main towards Sunset Park, the wake off the transom getting very clean.

[judge 11]

1971.  First S2H on a red hot, brand new, but very slow two tonner from Melbourne.  Owner was a property developer and a great guy.  One afternoon he turns up at the dock with some business associates / aquaintances / freinds and announces we were going out onto the harbour for a booze cruise.  All goes according to plan until we turned east to beat back towards the CYC.  First tack, skipper puts the helm down and calls 'lee-oh'.  Dude standing on the cabin top admiring the view, drink in hand, turns back towards the cockpit, says "yes...' and is promptly hit in the guts by the boom and goes straight into the piss.  We all thought it was the funniest thing that ever happened, but Leo thought it was a heartless sailors joke.

[Go Left 203]

Well, it seems that we have demonstrated conclusively that sailing is not funny.  

[Morgan Crewed 118]

In the pre-GPS era, we were heading out to an early, spring race on Lake St. Clair.  The sky was mostly sunny and clear onshore.  But as we motored away from the relative warmth of the land it started to get foggy from the cooler water.  By the time we got to where the starting line should be it was dense fog – maybe a 100 foot of vis.  Then the modest wind died, and the vis dropped to about a boat length. 

Got word on the radio from the RC that the start sequence would be delayed because of the fog.  You could hear the crews grumbling from nearby boats but could not see them.  After about 30 to 40 minutes of monotony we start to hear chatter on the radio. 

It is two bass fishermen trying to find one another in the fog.  Again, pre-GPS and they are talking CB trucker style. 

First guy:         “…what’s your 20 good buddy?”    

Second guy:    “Somewhat close to shore where there is less fog – can see pretty good” 

First guy:         Well, what can you see? 

Second guy:    If I look towards shore, I can see a big white house. 

First guy:         That don’t help me much – nearly all the homes in Grosse Pointe are big and white. 

Second guy:    Tell you what, I have an idea.  I’ll give you three loud blasts on my airhorn and you can motor toward the sound. 

I was standing in the companion way when I heard this and INSTINTIVELY reached for our airhorn and let off three blasts.  I wasn’t the only one.  Sounded like half the boats in the fleet had the same thought as I did.  Horn blasts lasted a couple of minutes and slowly died off.  After another minute or so First Guy is back on the radio,  “…Guess we are not alone out here” 

Laughter could be heard from nearly every boat in the fleet.

[Snaggletooth 5,150]

2 hours ago, Go Left said:

Well, it seems that we have demonstrated conclusively that sailing is not funny.  

butte sailores tende to be.......              

[(p)Irate 161]

Harbour Pennant race in the Mumm 30 coming fast into the bottom mark. At the very last minute the female tactician (dinghy champion) changes her mind and calls for a gybe drop. The bowman and pitman both say, "There's not time."

Tactician says, "Well fuck the lot of you."

On the helm I say, "Lou, I don't think there's time for that either."

Tactician looks slowly around at the other six of us and replies, "With you lot there probably is."

We were still laughing half way up the next beat. 

[Go Left 203]

1 hour ago, Snaggletooth said:

butte sailores tende to be.......              

Well, we try to be, but it usually falls flat.  For instance, when I registered my boat as Schrodinger's Cat, they told me that there might already be a boat named that, but they couldn't find it.  

[(p)Irate 161]

It's sad that the 2021 S2H thread can reach to 17 pages and the Australian Sailing one to 42 pages but this one can only get 50+ replies. Is there no fun left in sailing? As my tactician said, "Fuck the lot of you!" And there probably is time.

[boguing 32]

A lovely late summer Wednesday evening race on the keelboat in a dying but warm breeze, did well, run through the finish line and back into the river against the tide, spinnaker still up because we need the speed. Get alongside our bit of the mid-river pontoon and the three of us (who think we've probably seen everything) are reduced to helpless giggles as we ease the guy to kill our breakneck tenth of a knot over the ground, boat gently stuck against the dock fenders. Now run the spi halyard and realise that it's just going to drop down neatly onto the pontoon. Tie up? Can do, no rush, even the main drops across the boat onto the planks making for an easy roll up for once. Hardly a word spoken, giggling continues. Perfect end.

 

[Que 39]

On 12/31/2021 at 10:27 AM, White Lightning2 said:

Probably the one shared by the most had to be WIRW in the late 90's/ish/. Friday drifter after a pretty decent week and RC is valiantly trying to set a course in the different zephyrs popping up. Afte a bit someone gets on the Race frequency and and says "Race Committee, this is ridiculous" Without missing a beat RC responds "Go ahead Ridiculous, this is the race committee"

Laughter rolling across the race course from one end to the other

 

WL

I think I was there. 

Same event, likely a different year:  Chaos in the brain trust as we had about 5 "skippers" on board, each giving different direction as to where to put the boat in the pre-start.  Boat owner sticks his head up and says "Hey guys...I own this boat and I want to know who's in charge here."

[Laser1 688]

On 12/31/2021 at 9:13 PM, P_Wop said:

Last one from me. 

Nooooo,  dunno if you were BN at the time.  AC Aluminum 44 footer.  Owner always had a 'heavy right foot' coming into the packed marina, look at me, look at me with my flash boat.

Until after coming in after a race his reverse gear decided to shit itself and it was blowing old boots up the chuff as well.

His slip was towards the middle of the line at a 90 degree turn.  He missed that one, next stop was the pontoon going across to the gangway.

He made it stop all right.  Never seen a boat jump so high.

 

Edit: being his neighbor was never a good thing if you valued your stanchions.

[Not for nothing 486]

A crew brings his good looking (big breast) girlfriend on a race, during the race, as I put her next to me, she is asking what I can do. I kept telling her when the time right I'll tell you, heading to the finish line a J-35 is about to pass us. so, tell her here's what you have to do, show them your tits, we won the race!

Don't you love good crew that listens to the captain?

[F_L 122]

16 hours ago, Go Left said:

Well, it seems that we have demonstrated conclusively that sailing is not funny.  

In a lot of cases you need to be there to see the humor.

Galveston Bay NOOD many years ago:
Big, bad thunder storm approaching. 2 shrimp boats are chatting on the VHF and are talking about the inevitable big blow.
One Captn says "Joe, I know what you and I are doing out here. We're trying to make a living. What the hell are are the blo-boats doing?"

[Sail4beer 3,411]

^^This! We were out there for a National regatta a couple of times including this time when Houston Yacht Club got wiped out-we were staying there…

Ugly Hurricane coming and the race committee had us go out like fools that they were. We finally retired while they waited for the wind to settle in one direction with massive lightning strikes. The shrimpers were saying the same exact thing on the vhf. 
 We got to the boat lift first, hauled the boat and took off for home. The yacht club was wrecked that night. Glad we didn’t stay there!

[SloopJonB 12,553]

47 minutes ago, Not for nothing said:

A crew brings his good looking (big breast) girlfriend on a race, during the race, as I put her next to me, she is asking what I can do. I kept telling her when the time right I'll tell you, heading to the finish line a J-35 is about to pass us. so, tell her here's what you have to do, show them your tits, we won the race!

Don't you love good crew that listens to the captain?

I heard of an all female boat name Pussy Galore - using that technique they could have won every race they entered.

[Thistle3868 51]

Dude...you were so late for that start we're going to need to stop at the CVS for a pregnancy test.

[jesposito 179]

15 hours ago, Snaggletooth said:

butte sailores tende to be.......              

You have to have some good ones from Butch, I do

[Snaggletooth 5,150]

4 minutes ago, jesposito said:

15 hours ago, Snaggletooth said:

butte sailores tende to be.......              

You have to have some good ones from Butch, I do

Dossente evereybodey?                 

[Go Left 203]

1 hour ago, Snaggletooth said:

Dossente evereybodey?                 

Are you talking about Butch Ulmer? 

Yeah, then everybody does.

[jesposito 179]

2 hours ago, Snaggletooth said:

Dossente evereybodey?                 

I've got some good ones but the Libtards on this site would frown upon them

[Snaggletooth 5,150]

14 minutes ago, jesposito said:

2 hours ago, Snaggletooth said:

Dossente evereybodey?                 

I've got some good ones but the Libtards on this site would frown upon them

Sinse when do you caire what orthere peopel thick?                         

[PaulK 594]

3 hours ago, SloopJonB said:

I heard of an all female boat name Pussy Galore - using that technique they could have won every race they entered.

The Lightning skipper's father was the publisher for the James Bond books in the U.S.  That was not the technique they used for winning races. 

[Grande Mastere Dreade 4,126]

i would have to say it was during a sea scout outing.. ...  we were anchored for the night , finished the dishes , and settled in for the night

Skip and his wife head forward to turn in...     couple of us start to play cards..   Charlie , climbs into a pipe berth above the settee and turns in too..

about an hour later , Charlie suddenly sits up, but hits his head on a shelf above his head and promptly knocks himself out..  this woke Skip up and he comes out asking what happened and we tell him    he doesn't believe us and spent the next 30 mins topside dbl checking everything..

Charlie woke up the next morning with a nice lump on his head wondering who beat him up...  when we told him what happened he didn't believe us either...  but he slept in the opposite direction the next night,   just in case..

 

 

 

[Steam Flyer 8,381]

5 hours ago, Not for nothing said:

A crew brings his good looking (big breast) girlfriend on a race, during the race, as I put her next to me, she is asking what I can do. I kept telling her when the time right I'll tell you, heading to the finish line a J-35 is about to pass us. so, tell her here's what you have to do, show them your tits, we won the race!

Don't you love good crew that listens to the captain?

Excellent qualities in a crew, agreed.

My wife and I were racing my Santana 23 with another couple. So we had aboard two good looking women with nice figures if I may say so. We were punching well above our weight and came into the leeward mark overlapped with a couple of bigger boats, and my friend's wife was reaching and stretching to help douse the spinnaker when her top came askew with both lovelies on full display.

Well things were busy for the next couple of minutes but we emerged in good shape, race-wise, and her with modesty recovered, and she turned to the back of the boat and said "Did you see that?"

Without missing a beat I said "See what?"

About 5 minutes later, one of the same boats were coming at us in what would be a close cross, and we were deciding whether to tack on them, I said "Would you mind, again...." and my wife and the other lady both said instantly "NO!"

- DSK

[Baldur 144]

On 12/30/2021 at 12:57 PM, sugarbird said:

On a springtime passage from the Abacos to LIS, out in the middle somewhere, lovely sunset, nice breeze and smooth seas. Everybody's in a good mood, just finished a big spaghetti dinner, and I graciously agreed to wash the dishes. There was a slug of sauce left in the big frypan, and the fridge was on the blink, so I handed the pan up to the fellow on watch and said, "Hey Jim, toss this over will you?" He took the pan and said, "Throw it over?" I said, "Yeah," whereupon he promptly threw the pan into the drink. I paused open-mouthed for a second or two, then screamed "WTF?!" He gave me a really innocent look, and goes, "Well, you told me to throw it over!" And then the laughing started.

Day 2 of a Desolation sound trip and handed the coffe percolator to one of the crew to, "Dump over the side" He dumped the grounfds overboard, and all the parts inside the pot too. Campfire coffe for the next 10 days.

[mccroc 312]

Funniest start I ever had was on a 24 foot Ranger - a gaff design from the 1930s. It was "The Ranger Intergalactics" (because AS wouldn't let us use the term Worlds.

I was crewing on one of the slowest ones, but steered by Harold Cudmore, so the rest of the crew and I were really looking forward to see how good he was.

At the start signal, we were stopped, pointing 180 degrees the wrong direction.

We all laughed, and even more once Harold started telling stories!

[JTE 7]

Was part of a throw-together crew delivering Merlin back from a Transpac a few decades back.  After launching we discover propane is empty.  Navigator or captain decides we’ll just pop in to Pearl Harbor at midnight to fill up.   This was my first ocean sailing trip, I didn’t know anything.  I was up on bow helping find channel markers when several larger navy boats came up very fast and in nearly synchronized fashion lit us up with lights bright enough to take an x-ray.   We were taken to a dock and the serious talking started.  Captain replied that we had a propane leak and it was an emergency.  Turns out we’re on a fuel dock.  Navy guy says we have two options - stay and get boat seized or sail out immediately.  Slide on out and back to Waikiki.  That one still makes me laugh.

[Grande Mastere Dreade 4,126]

7 hours ago, JTE said:

Was part of a throw-together crew delivering Merlin back from a Transpac a few decades back.  After launching we discover propane is empty.  Navigator or captain decides we’ll just pop in to Pearl Harbor at midnight to fill up.   This was my first ocean sailing trip, I didn’t know anything.  I was up on bow helping find channel markers when several larger navy boats came up very fast and in nearly synchronized fashion lit us up with lights bright enough to take an x-ray.   We were taken to a dock and the serious talking started.  Captain replied that we had a propane leak and it was an emergency.  Turns out we’re on a fuel dock.  Navy guy says we have two options - stay and get boat seized or sail out immediately.  Slide on out and back to Waikiki.  That one still makes me laugh.

60 years later and the navy is still touchy about sneak attacks , who figures..

[fan 112]

We had a guy that was loosing his eye sight pretty bad.  We are doing a Puerta Vallarta Race on an RP50 day three or so the foulies come off.  He comes up the stairs with a wierd look on his face and we ask whats up?  He tells us the new wet wipes are supper burny.  I don't think so I used some earlier.  SO he says no these are defiunately super burny here try them and preceeds to hand us a pack of lysol disinfecting wipes haha

 

 

[no shoes 80]

30 minutes ago, fan said:

We had a guy that was loosing his eye sight pretty bad.  We are doing a Puerta Vallarta Race on an RP50 day three or so the foulies come off.  He comes up the stairs with a wierd look on his face and we ask whats up?  He tells us the new wet wipes are supper burny.  I don't think so I used some earlier.  SO he says no these are defiunately super burny here try them and preceeds to hand us a pack of lysol disinfecting wipes haha

 

 

Haha. I can confirm as I was on watch with you. Still laughing. Also, same race, same blind guy goes to make us some coffee. Usual order (Starbucks Via, Baileys and a little Swiss miss). He mistakes the Swiss miss with theraflu. We drank it anyway. Also we won. Great race. 

[Liquid 642]

J35 doing one of the many LIS distance races getting ready for a maneuver.

Bow guys is taking waaaaay to long at the peak. 

Q from the back: "what the fuck is going on up there?"

A from the bow: "I'm fucking up... OK!?"

Oh, in that case OK!

 

[Steam Flyer 8,381]

1 hour ago, Grande Mastere Dreade said:

8 hours ago, JTE said:

Was part of a throw-together crew delivering Merlin back from a Transpac a few decades back.  After launching we discover propane is empty.  Navigator or captain decides we’ll just pop in to Pearl Harbor at midnight to fill up.   This was my first ocean sailing trip, I didn’t know anything.  I was up on bow helping find channel markers when several larger navy boats came up very fast and in nearly synchronized fashion lit us up with lights bright enough to take an x-ray.   We were taken to a dock and the serious talking started.  Captain replied that we had a propane leak and it was an emergency.  Turns out we’re on a fuel dock.  Navy guy says we have two options - stay and get boat seized or sail out immediately.  Slide on out and back to Waikiki.  That one still makes me laugh.

60 years later and the navy is still touchy about sneak attacks , who figures..

It's been a lot longer than that, since they were attacked by sailboat

- DSK

[Benytoe 84]

A long time ago in a ocean race at night, a leading boat started to cover the white transom light with layers of thin paper a little at a time, the boat behind wondered why they were pulling away from them.

[fan 112]

One more.  Was doing the Costal Cup the orginal from SF to Catalina on an SC52.  We had three professionals on the boat JC Navigating, Big Country and myself the rest of the crew were amatuers and 1 or 2 goods ones the rest were passengers. I rememebr trying to run a sheet handing it into the cockpit telling them to pull only to have it pulled out of the boat took like three tries before I lead it and pulled it through my self. It was 30+ big waves with the occasional sneaker coming in 60 degrees to the right of the predominate pattern.  It was like 3 in the moring Big Country, Fish and I were on deck in the back me driving everyone teathered in.  Fish had gone down and put another layer on this is important later.  So a bit later out of the corner of my eye I see white water coming I turn the boat down as quick as I could but not quick enough.  THe wave hits the side rolls us over and we start surfing on our side.  I get knowcked down.  Pull myself up by my teather and get back on the wheel get the boat on its feet look around and everone is there thank god.  As we get going I hear ruckus from the leeward side look down and there is Fish.  He had put a foul weather jacket over his harness which had then gone off when he was under water. He was rolling around on his back like a turtle I now know he was reaching for his knife.  Out comes the knife and he stabs himself in the chest to pop the bladder as he was suffocating.  We did not know what was going on at the time were like WTF.  Once he stabbed himself and harness went down we laughed out asses off.  WHile scary in that moment seeing him on the boat flapping around like a turtle on its back trying to stab himslef was one of the fiunniest things I have ever seen.

[Snaggletooth 5,150]

fan gotte me chulckleng with that oune............                                         

[Chidz 86]

last week, after a friend successfully moved a local rock island 1 inch ...

[PHM 49]

#1: During the '70s, entering King Harbor at 6am on a Sunday morning in the pouring rain, pretty much wet through and through and completely done in after finishing a grueling race around Santa Barbara Island. Lot's of little rental skiffs in the channel with drenched, grim looking guys fishing. One of our crew popped out of the companion way, looked around, and said: "what are those idiots doing out here in the harbor at 6am in the rain?". We all looked at each other in silence for about 5 seconds, before breaking out in histerical laughter. Barely pulled ourselves together long enough to dock the boat. Those are the kinds of moments that make a race and that I'll cherish forever.  

 #2: Can't remember the joke, but laughing so hard during a night watch on transpac after my watch mate told a joke that one of the off watch yelled up from his bunk: "Either shut the fuck up, or let us in on the joke, because it must have been a doozy". 

[Navig8tor 1,758]

Leaving the harbour in St Tropez on board a maxi boat, everyone is feeling somewhat jaded after a hard night out involving lots of liquor and crème caramel eating competitions (no hands).

The Irishman on board laconically remarks “Gawd if I’d known I was gonna be this thirsty this morning, I would have drunk more last night….”

Had the crew cracked up for quite some time and ready to indulge the following night.

[boguing 32]

It wasn't a particularly nice night, lumpy quartering sea and 25ish in a wintry English Channel. Steve, for that used to be his name, goes below to use the facilities. After some time there comes a loud and repeated cries of 'Scissors!'. One of the off-watch bunch must have passed him some, but before long the voice comes again 'Bin Bag!' (trash bag for non-English speakers?).

A little while later he emerges from the hatch and hurls the fairly heavy looking bin bag over the side.

We learn that he'd just been dropping one of the kids off as we'd hit a wave and taken a lurch. He'd missed the toilet and laid it in his boxers and jeans. With full wet gear around his ankles he'd taken the view that cutting the soiled stuff off was the pragmatic solution.

Ever since known as Scissors.