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AC on $3 million


Bedford

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So here's an idea. Remember Eddy The Eagle? Right. Remember the name of the guy that won the gold in ski jumping that year? Not likely. So we raise three million bucks to do an AC challenge. A boat? Get a used one. Sails? They probably come with the boat. A compound? No way. You tie up in front of the club and party your holes off every night. Yea, put a big mo-fo sound system in the boat. Hell, to save money, you sleep on the thing.

 

In the morning, while the other crews are working with their personal trainers and doing wheat germ/sea grass energy shakes, you're doing ceasars and cleaning the empties out of the cockpit. Drink while racing? Fucking right you do. And you smoke too. The on-board cameras would love that. Especially with Budweiser and Marlborough as sponsors. Hell, you could have a couple of Bud chicks as deck fluff.

 

Would you win a race? Who cares? While the billionares and rockstars are relegated to the obscure depths of the sports section, you're headlining on CNN. How's that for media attention? For a lousy three mill, your sponsors get more exposure than Oracle and BMW combined.

 

Who's with me? Let's go! Ahhhhh...... B)

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LMAO!!!!

 

That sounds about like our curent campaign, though no one ever sleeps on a melges!

 

The Melges Wolds would make so much better TV than the AC by the way. 80 boats screaming around the course, bumping into each other, yelling cursing, broaching etc. Similar soap opera off the course as well. Not THATS good TV!

 

By the way, Liz Filter (Yngling) is a good ole Melges sailor too!

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fuck that, for the amount of sponsorship exposure this kind of program would get, we should be able to run the whole thing on a shoestring and still be the highest paid sailors there.

 

forget it if you want a real career in pro sailing someday though....every other sailor and syndicate would fucking hate us.

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Yea, it would be the end of my pro sailing carreer. I can live with that. But I'd probably get my own talk show. Hey, we'd get to go to all the parties with the likes of Ernie, Larry and Russell. While they were pontificating about tactics, hulas and shit, we'd be pissing in the punch bowl. Is there drug testing in the AC? :P

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What if you comissioned Roger MacGregor to design a new america's cup boat?

 

 

Would/could he do it? i don't think so

 

And could it compete with the mac 26x? might be close

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Doooooods;

 

During the _LAST_ cycle I was telling youze guys the SAME THING !

 

,,,but did you listen to me?? NOOOOOO!

 

 

 

 

Bedford is on the right track,, except you forgot the Nekkid Mud Rasslin Chicks in the grinders positions.

 

We oughta be able to get some sponsorship $ by hoisting the Porn Star of the Week up the rig as a wind spotter with (sponsors name) on her wet tee shirt.

 

If you buncha dirtbags would scheme up a few more,, ummm,, "Creative Funding "

ideas, we MIGHT even be able to afford to put enough BEER on board to make it through the race without having the TV cameras show the Fist Fight between the tactician and driver over the last beer.

 

 

(gurgle gurgle gurgle)

 

Oh,,, yeah,,, the MOST IMPORTANT THING.

 

Don't forget to put the 3 axis Gyroscopc Stabilized Hookah in the boat so when the dumbfuck on the wheel Broaches us (with added Pitchpole Maneuver) the bongwater won't spill into the spinn bag.

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Hell We would be the party. You think those rich fucks would rather hang on larry's yacht or come to a Bud sponsored boat party a-la NASCAR. Hell charge just as much as they do to set foot in the "cherity" fundraiser on larry's yacht and you could fund the damn campeign. We could get Van halen to play on the foredeck. I can see it now. 15 grills in the parking lot, Bud 18 wheeler rools up to the YC and the fun begins. We could sponsor a good old chili cook off or introduce the fine grilling techniques we have all mastered to the Med. On the water the looks on larry's and ernesto's faceswould be proceless as we rolel them downwind with neked chicks hanging off the stern and the Womper Womping.

 

Good times,

 

Shag

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"Hi, I'm your host Garry Jobson here with my friend Dawn Riley. Let's see what's happining aboard Team Porn Star. There's the skipper. What that he's doing Dawn?"

 

"Gary, it looks like he's snorting coke off that girl's tits."

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Hollowing out the keel bulb and using it as a keg would also be great. Sure, we'd lose a tiny bit of upwind performance late in the race, but we'd lose that anyway due to having the spins after emptying the keg, I mean bulb.

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Remember NASCAR on TV before Fox fronted the $$$$ to add live telemetry feeds from every car? The viewership and interest doubled because the "sport" (use the term loose) became more interesting to watch. We have VS for the America's cup but if the technology become affordable and an entity, perhaps sanctioned by US SAILING, travelled around to high-profile events and setup the feed and cameras. SHIT, You wouldn't even need cameras with the internet. Just some sort of conduit to develop names (boats/drivers) and intense rivalary.

 

The Swedish Match Tour is on the right track, but it could be so much more than what it is now.

 

Also, Yacht builders should continue to build lighter and faster boats with increased failure rates on all equipment. Between the marks add a floating dock with crews and a pit that boats can come screaming into to get patched up.

 

Then throw out 14. The AC becomes irrevelant

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"Hi, I'm your host Garry Jobson here with my friend Dawn Riley. Let's see what's happining aboard Team Porn Star. There's the skipper. What that he's doing Dawn?"

 

"Gary, it looks like he's snorting coke off that girl's tits."

LMAO that is one of the funniest things I have read on this site in a long time. B)B):D

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Bedford - please add my name to your try-outs list. I'm assuming that there will a rigorous crew selection process. Please note that I have some skills however, more importantly, I waste little time getting to the bribery phase of the selections. Booze, drugs, whores, cash...whatever it takes.

 

Also, would we be racing under the RNSYS burgee 'cause, if so, I need to get my liver in shape.

 

Too much J24ing and clean living has fucked me up. I'm not quite in game shape for the kind of campaign you described but God knows I'll do what it takes!

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mambo i think you're missing the point matey.....we dont give a fuck about developng the sport.

 

we just want to get drunk and make a complete mockery of the americas cup.

 

btw, bedford i disagree about not needing a compound....after all, where are we going to set up the hydroponic system???

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I can vouch for rusty that he would be perfect for this program....he knows me well enough that i'm sure he would do the same for me.....also i nominate Big Show as tactician...provided he shows up each day in a hockey mask and jersey.

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I bet the AC racer chasers are a nice bunch. I just assume stay a little less drunk the rest of you so that I can stay in peak performance mode for the post race celebrations with the racer chasers and the porn star of the day, and mud rastlin' grinders.

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mambo i think you're missing the point matey.....we dont give a fuck about developng the sport.

 

we just want to get drunk and make a complete mockery of the americas cup.

 

btw, bedford i disagree about not needing a compound....after all, where are we going to set up the hydroponic system???

No, I am on board with the point, the development of the sport is just a plus. The reason behind the post is the complete mockery of A/C. I am just subtle in my ways :ph34r:

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May I be so bold as to suggest a name for the one and only boat in this AC program.

 

Given the focus on budget and the pornographic arts - I thing MONEY SHOT would be appropriate.

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mambo i think you're missing the point matey.....we dont give a fuck about developng the sport.

 

we just want to get drunk and make a complete mockery of the americas cup.

 

btw, bedford i disagree about not needing a compound....after all, where are we going to set up the hydroponic system???

No, I am on board with the point, the development of the sport is just a plus. The reason behind the post is the complete mockery of A/C. I am just subtle in my ways :ph34r:

no worries, subtlety has never been one of my strong suits

 

besides, with the PSOTW and the nekkid mud wrestlers grinding, i think the racing aspect would take a serious backseat in the eyes of the viewing public

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I just assume stay a little less drunk the rest of you

sorry mate, automatic disqulification

Disqualified, somebody has to take good "care" of the women folk. Since most everybody will be to drunk to, um, perform, one of us needs to sacrifice our level of enjoyment, for the sake of the women.

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What would our battle flag look like? :D

How about a beer keg with a sail sticking out of it? Our a flabby arm with a bg meaty hand holding a frothy mug?

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May I be so bold as to suggest a name for the one and only boat in this AC program.

 

Given the focus on budget and the pornographic arts - I thing MONEY SHOT would be appropriate.

BLOW IT BABY, might be another good one.

 

Fantastic stuff. This plan is flawless. Someone mentioned reality TV as a possible source of funding. The twist will be that no one gets lobbed, quite the opposite, the bodies on board will just keep increasing. A public nudity licence will be required.

 

The swedish match tour do have it almost right. For starters they are based in sweden, where all the girls are swedish and totally gorgeous, with their gorgeous swedish blond hair and swedish blue eyes. Their only mistake is that they leave sweden!! We should make a stop there and pick up a boat load of swedish beauties!!

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The boat would have to have a hard, plexiglass bimini at the rear end with women in cages mounted on top dancing to the tunes from the mo-fo sound system. It would also provide some relief from the sun for the well heeled sponsors on deck who would like to sip a cocktail during the race, as well as a place for the onboard lap dances.

 

Might add some windage, but the lost ground would be regained during the tacks missed by the competitors while checking out our boat's tactics.

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The boat would have to have a hard, plexiglass bimini at the rear end with women in cages mounted on top dancing to the tunes from the mo-fo sound system.  It would also provide some relief from the sun for the well heeled sponsors on deck who would like to sip a cocktail during the race, as well as a place for the onboard lap dances.

 

Might add some windage, but the lost ground would be regained during the  tacks missed by the competitors while checking out our boat's tactics.

It would be the first IACC boat with a hot tub on deck!

 

I've got the name, we get the condom company as a sponsor and name her "Trojan Horse"

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Great plan guys!

 

I know two female Swedish Medical Doctors who are HOT HOT HOT LIKE FIRE and, incidentally, know how to sail. My guess is they have friends.

If I can buy a slot on the crew I'll be happy to put in a phone call.

 

Cheers,

 

Ape

 

PS: Also happen to know an asst. general counsel for Miller Brewing. Might be a funding source

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It would be the first IACC boat with a hot tub on deck!

 

Do the rules allow water ballast?

yeah just piss in the tank. It's easier, safer and less strenuous than pissing overboard

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Dibs on the 17th man spot.

 

I AM THE KEG MASTER!!!!!!!!!!

 

Could we mount taps on the sides of the pedistal grinders?? Or would they be in the way of the Hooka???

Also, we need to figure out how to keep the beer cold and hooka lit with minimal weight. ;)

 

 

Shag

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Dibs on the 17th man spot.

 

I AM THE KEG MASTER!!!!!!!!!!

 

Could we mount taps on the sides of the pedistal grinders?? Or would they be in the way of the Hooka???

Also, we need to figure out how to keep the beer cold and hooka lit with minimal weight. ;)

 

 

Shag

Well, keeping the beer cold is, keep the keg in the keel. Keeping the hooka lit, well, I think for weight savings it might just be a good idea to have a naked hooka chick. Should weigh less than 100 pounds and be really good with a lighter.

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Dibs on the 17th man spot.

 

I AM THE KEG MASTER!!!!!!!!!!

 

Could we mount taps on the sides of the pedistal grinders?? Or would they be in the way of the Hooka???

Also, we need to figure out how to keep the beer cold and hooka lit with minimal weight. ;)

 

 

Shag

as the record decks/cd player spins, rig up a pulley system to a heat exchanger and generator, which keeps the beer cold, the hooka from over heating and the spot light on her. Ay!

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the only "chink in the armor" that i see in this program is keeping enough people around to sail the boat, what with the daily incarcerations, deaths, trips to the Betty Ford Clinic, etc.

 

We're gonna need a pretty deep roster- although i anticipate alot of sailors from other programs defecting to sail with us when they see how much cooler our syndicate is.

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I myself also failed to mention that there will be a keg on the back of the boat for keg stands etc. and lawn chairs aplenty.Everything will be done by hydraulics so nobody needs to strain a muscle as that comes for the drinking

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I got the boat. It's for sale in BC for $100 grand. And look, they took all the gear off so we won't hurt ourselves when we fall down. That forward pit has definite hot tub potential. And those dacron sails look sweet...

post-1-1092932668.jpg

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You place a bank of kegs below over the keel. Run the tap lines through the mast and install taps on the mast below the gooseneck. Can probably get 4 taps that way, with a variety of imports and domestics. The weight of the kegs is low and centered which is good. I am sure there is room for at least 8 kegs below which may get you through one race before a refill is needed.

 

Of course, the headsails now need to be installed on furlers to make space below for the kegs. Who wants to manhandle sails to the deck under those conditiions.

 

One more thing, may have to borrow some stern rail seats from a Catalina for the tactician and dance coordinator.

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Can't wait to see what tje Bum Boat/Support boats look like.

 

Shit - CEOs would line up to throw money at this provided they were part of the "action". Kind of like a Hooters Golf Tournament.

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That's it. The support boat is sponsored by Hooters and full of Hooters chicks. Japanese businessmen will pony up $500,000 each for a chance to ride on the spectator boat. Add that to the lucrative endorsements and sportswear sales and we might actually make some dough doing this. :P

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We're going to need some "respectable" front men to present the challenge, you know suit and tie types. After we get accepted we bring out the big dogs, pay off the members of the young Republicans for their help, and start the party

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the only "chink in the armor" that i see in this program is keeping enough people around to sail the boat, what with the daily incarcerations, deaths, trips to the Betty Ford Clinic, etc.

 

We're gonna need a pretty deep roster- although i anticipate alot of sailors from other programs defecting to sail with us when they see how much cooler our syndicate is.

For this reason I propose we not align the syndicate with the US but rather a non-extradition country...just in case

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the only "chink in the armor" that i see in this program is keeping enough people around to sail the boat, what with the daily incarcerations, deaths, trips to the Betty Ford Clinic, etc.

 

We're gonna need a pretty deep roster- although i anticipate alot of sailors from other programs defecting to sail with us when they see how much cooler our syndicate is.

For this reason I propose we not align the syndicate with the US but rather a non-extradition country...just in case

San Miguel!

 

We'll get Solo shitfaced (that should be easy) wrap a blue blazer and tie around him, send him to the board meetings with dark sunglasses on and instructions to only nod. He'll be introduced as the king of San Miguel's first son and heir to the thrown.

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Don't forget you are going to need the lawyers for the paper work and all the lawsuits that follow a cup campaign. I can probably handle that for ya for about $1 mil. $1 mil. for the 2 boats recently seen for sale, another mil for the refitting of the boats, training expenses, food, dacron crosscut sails, and 3 ply running rigging from Home Depot, and a mil for beer and girls. That brings the budget to about $4 mil. That's still pretty cut rate.

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We don't need two boats. And I'm sure most used boats come with sails. I see it more like this:

 

Boat - $500,000

Entry Fees - $750,000

Beer - Free from sponsor

Smokes - Free from sponsor

Training - Training? Yea right

Travel - $200,000

Legal fees - Free if we let the lawyer ride on the Hooters boat

Chicken wings - Free from Hooters

Refitting - $5,000 (includes stereo, keg cooler and taps)

Paint job - $100,000 (the sponsors will want us to look cool)

Bail - $95,000

Shipping boat - $50,000

Housing - $100,000

Bar Tab - $200,000

TOTAL $2,000,000

 

That leaves an extra million as a "discretionary fund"

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You've forgotten to include drugs. I also think that your bail budget is at least only 50% of what is required. And for legal fees, well, we're gonna need a lot of spectator boats to give rides to all the lawyers we're gonna need. So you might want to add at least several hundred thousand dollars for support vessels. Agreed that we don't need two race boats though, or a bunch of them new fangled fancy ass sails. Why when I was a kid we used canvas tarps for sails. They were rough and ugly and they chewed up the timber mast but it was all we had and we LIKED IT!

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We should plan on the sponsors providing the hookers. The drugs and bribes seem reasonable for a discretionary fund. Besides, if we win a single race, we should have a clause in our sponsor contracts that will provide large bonuses every time we win a race. Or at least show up semi sober. Or hell, just make it out the course.

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How about... get the boat to the race course before the prepatory?

 

Hey, as long as I get to take care of the women, I'm perfectly happy.

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Put my firm logo (my avatar) on the main for some advertising and give me a stern rail seat for the races (with preferential lap dances), and I will comp the legal fees!

 

You are going to have to include some scouting expenses in the slush, er . . discretionary fund, for finding the right talent.

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Dibs on the 17th man spot.

 

I AM THE KEG MASTER!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, but do you have a degree in Kegology and an assortment of tappers? Do you even have a tee shirt that says KEG MASTER? Well, I've got the shirt and my tapper from college.......

 

Oh ok, you can be the KEG MASTER. But I got dibs on CUP BOY!!!

 

Poo Tang Klan

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I never have a straight face, but, I can be persuasive none the less...and I do have a blue blazer. Please tell me I won't need white pants though.

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Dooooods;

 

I think we're gonna need two boats. If (the collective) WE are gonna be trying to get at least ONE boat to the starting box,,, by the time you subtract those who were in jail when it comes to tow out time,,, well you see.

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Maybe we have two full crews and rotate depending on who's in jail/too hung over/wakes up with twins and misses the boat. Ok, this is starting to sound like a serious plan. It's probably too late for the next cup so let's plan on the one after. We need a sponsor. let's talk beer companies. Charm, Sharkster and I will be the front men. We'll get matching blazer crests and everything. Maybe ever red pants. I get a believable web site up. This thing has to lok legit until we show up and it's too late to kick us out. I wonder where the next cup will be. My guess is San Francisco.

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I plan to be in bed with twins for a month! I'll drive a support boat or something. I'll show up about 20 minutes after the start of the race, tow you in at the end of the day, drink a bit, then back to the twins.

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Should be no sweat about the used boats.

 

We'll just buy a couple of the last cycle boats, and ol' Sharky can apply the proper bribes to the commitee and lawsuits against any other team that starts bitching about us using old boats.

 

 

(gurgle gurgle gurgle)

 

 

Maybe it would be a good idea to NOT buy TNZ's last boats,,, I wouldn't want tne nekkid mud rasslin' wimmin to get all hot and sweaty from bailing,,,

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What are the rules regarding the boat? Are we allowed to sail a used boat that was built elsewhere?

Rules? Who needs rules.

 

You just have to be friends with the organizers. Then you can have whatever you want.

 

A few strippers and some beer for Ernesto ought to sove this problem since he is the man. Just ask Russell. It's the European way!

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I think we must do some training camps before going to Spain - Team Teaky should fit best to us :P

Speedwatch

Actually, that's not a half bad idea.

 

What if we got PHRF ratings for the boat(s) and took them to Key West and Miami Race weeks next year.

 

Also, budget adjustment. I don't think we need to BUY a boat. I think we'd be much better off CHARTERING an older IACC boat.

 

That way there's no assets to seize when the feds find out about our "tactics"

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Damn, I might watch that AC. I can't wait to see someone taking a piss of the back in the middle of a race.

 

I'd love to see that start sequence. Nobody would fuck with you.

 

I can see Ernie know, "stay away from the fucking $10,000 Jamacian Hooters boat, they have already hit three other boats". I would suggest leaving the bumpers on, that would surely mess them up. Put one of the bow too.

 

Good stuff.

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Dibs on the 17th man spot. 

 

I AM THE KEG MASTER!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, but do you have a degree in Kegology and an assortment of tappers? Do you even have a tee shirt that says KEG MASTER? Well, I've got the shirt and my tapper from college.......

 

Oh ok, you can be the KEG MASTER. But I got dibs on CUP BOY!!!

 

Poo Tang Klan

Kegerator in the garage and I think I have the 64 oz (anything more gets warm too quick) Big Gulp cup, with handle, next to my to my beer bong. I think I got it covered...

 

B):lol:

 

Shag

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Leaving the fenders on would be a nice touch. I think on the start the plan would be to enter the obligatory gate at the right time then sail away and drift around smoking a big fatty while the other guys sail in circles playing with themselves. We'd cross the line on our terms when we were damn well ready.

 

On the last start of the last race when we're about to be eliminated from the LV Cup I'd fucking t-bone the other boat. I'd probably hit the committee boat too. Then we'd go hunting spectator boats on our way back to the club where the biggest party in the world would already be underway.

 

We'd sail in naked, kite up with ZZ Top blairing from the spreader-mounted speakers, stuff the boat into a breakwall and swim ashore laughing our asses off. :P

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