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i'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting


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(920):

 

Technically my penis started a fight tonight

 

(720):

 

So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.

 

(917):

 

bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.

 

(313):

 

At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.

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During the Cold War my engineer grandfather thought it would be wise to put a bomb shelter under his house. About two weeks after it was finished, the wine deliveries started!  He didn't think he coul

C’mon, people, Lesbian Robot was brilliant but did not pen (type?) the NYYC rant. This was the response to LR whining about the leather couch in the Harbor Court men’s room (credit to some guy who sho

Once upon a time we picked picked up a mooring in Provincetown, MA. Now, we're country folk from west Texas, so we were a little unprepared when, thinking of gifts for our kids, including the then 7 y

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(902):

 

Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.

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(864):

 

If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.

 

(916):

 

She said she liked strap-ons.

 

 

(1-916):

 

SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!

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(410):

 

Bad breakup?

 

 

(1-410):

 

He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.

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(774):

 

I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.

 

(845):

 

Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12

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(607):

 

Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.

:unsure:

 

(352):

 

He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.

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(613):

 

Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?

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(+44):

 

I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.

 

(917):

 

SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!

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(940):

 

Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?

 

 

(940):

 

Is this a story I am going to hate you for?

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(607):

 

Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.

 

 

(426):

 

So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.

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(985):

 

You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.

 

 

(896):

 

That actually is really sweet of you

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(870):

 

He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n

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(337): I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.

 

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(218): Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?

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We are the 757 out here.

sounds more like Reedville or Kilmarnock to me

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(512):

 

I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!

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(918):

 

He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.

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(410):

 

Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.

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(850):

 

If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.

 

(415):

 

I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station

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(616):

 

i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.

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(949): I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library.

 

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(352): The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"

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(863):

 

So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.

 

 

(1-863):

 

You're a fucking train wreck.

 

(412):

 

So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.

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(775):

 

Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?

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(203):

 

If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?

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(203):

 

If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?

Wouldn't you just love to know what she did?

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(203):

 

If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?

Wouldn't you just love to know what she did?

 

Yeah.

 

but what if someone else she personally told leaked it to someone else who now has a Whisper? I don't like this guy's chances.

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(815):

 

I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.

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(402):

 

Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.

 

 

Yeah, what she said :P:o

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(231):

 

Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.

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(610):

I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.

 

You could overload on the texture changes.....

 

 

 

 

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(519):

 

she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"

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(914): View more from New York

 

I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.

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(434):

 

I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER

 

(610):

 

you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.

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(450):

 

She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...

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(810):

 

I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire

 

 

Gotts love my Flintoids. :P

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(320):

 

He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...

 

 

(320):

 

He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.

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(831):

 

She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"

 

 

My kinda girl.

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(443): So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..

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(585):

 

Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise

 

 

(770):

 

Dude our life is a booze cruise

 

 

(585):

 

But without boats...

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(979):

 

It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.

 

 

yes,that's a very apt description

 

 

 

 

(218):

 

i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again

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(303):

 

If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina

 

 

(401):

 

I told you those kegels would come in handy one day

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(608):

 

The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.

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(724):

 

Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss

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(337):

 

you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm

 

 

Tell me this one didn't make you imagine the sound. :P

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(610):

 

I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.

 

(616):

 

A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?

 

(206):

 

Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.

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(818):

 

dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks

 

 

(626):

 

well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person

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(519):

 

I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.

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(519):

 

I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.

 

That's a keeper

That should live in SA folklore.

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(404): Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.

 

 

(781): I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick

 

 

(807): My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.

 

(1-807): I don't see the problem

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(512):

 

i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.

 

(540):

 

THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW. :huh:

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(714):

 

The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!

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(619):

 

No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.

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