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i'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting


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During the Cold War my engineer grandfather thought it would be wise to put a bomb shelter under his house. About two weeks after it was finished, the wine deliveries started!  He didn't think he coul

C’mon, people, Lesbian Robot was brilliant but did not pen (type?) the NYYC rant. This was the response to LR whining about the leather couch in the Harbor Court men’s room (credit to some guy who sho

Once upon a time we picked picked up a mooring in Provincetown, MA. Now, we're country folk from west Texas, so we were a little unprepared when, thinking of gifts for our kids, including the then 7 y

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(916): If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes

 

 

I think I heard this muttered in one of the OTWA clips

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(609): Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us

 

Wonder how many times she went around the block before she figured it out....

Ah coeds. Those were the days. "Of COURSE I'll respect you in the morning." "I wouldn't dream of dropping off the swim team in your mouth." "It won't hurt at all, I promise."

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(949): I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage

 

 

I knew it.. there's probably a whole chapter dedicated to this in their handbook

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(304): I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.

 

(708): either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame

 

(937): he is so annoying

(513): so stop sleeping with him

(937): yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk

 

(+41): look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.

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(949): I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage

 

 

I knew it.. there's probably a whole chapter dedicated to this in their handbook

 

fyi, 949 is the OC!

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(949): I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage

 

 

I knew it.. there's probably a whole chapter dedicated to this in their handbook

 

fyi, 949 is the OC!

 

what is the OC? Ocean City? Oral Cavity? Ostentateous Creature? Obligatory Cuddle?

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(949): I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage

 

 

I knew it.. there's probably a whole chapter dedicated to this in their handbook

 

 

Hot girl calls it "exploiting". The rich middle aged man calls it a cheap lay. Every one's perspective is different.

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(313): I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.

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(254): just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.

 

(954): I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

 

THIS is probably THE truest thing I've read here or anywhere, EVER!

Provincetown included?

Of course. You just gotta have a thing for plaid flannel shirts. NTTAWWT

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(254): just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.

 

(954): I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

 

THIS is probably THE truest thing I've read here or anywhere, EVER!

Provincetown included? Do FagHags drink beer? NTTIATWWT

 

Dude, you need to lay off smoking the Bufo Toad, that shit will string you out!

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(623): Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution

choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he

had of getting laid tonight.

 

(612): Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight

 

 

(361): Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.

 

 

(850): I mistook a propane tank for a keg.

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any more good ones lately?

Here ya go:

 

(845): Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.

 

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(904): the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants

 

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(678): Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.

 

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(512): everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf

 

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(901): I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?

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(847): stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever

 

--

 

(814): Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.

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(847): stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever

 

--

 

(814): Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.

 

wow... i have come so close to the second one you have posted there its not even funny...

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(314): great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter

(1-314): at least I said it was good

 

(307): burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef

 

(626): you didnt know i had herpes?

 

(661): May God have mercy on my new vibrator.

 

(616): I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

(605):

So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets

from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a

damp bounce sheet. Win?

(720):

This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?

 

 

 

(770):

I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked

 

 

(540):

so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..

 

(1-540):

What did u do?

 

(540):

turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see

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(502):

Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans

 

(407):

She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.

 

(248):

she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear

 

(602):

Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.

 

(972):

Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world

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(608): Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to

say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

 

 

(720): She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

 

 

(203): is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??

 

 

(502): Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity

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(419):

her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.

 

(949):

she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."

 

(949):

little did she know i was taping her the whole time.

 

(310):

and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity

 

(817):

well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while

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(815): Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

 

(727): and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.

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(815): Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

It's the "again" that makes that one!

 

 

ayup

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(303): I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.

 

There is actually medical evidence to show that this is a good thing (swallowing while pregnant). It may help prevent Preclempsia (sp?).

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(770):

I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.

 

 

(443):

Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.

 

 

(612):

no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.

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(908):Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.

 

(908):i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.

 

new jersey in grade A form again...

 

 

(215):what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers

(1-215):6 min

 

philly, otoh, just has class... as opposed to sarasota...

 

(941): so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.

 

(203):I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?

 

 

(970): Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

 

(301):

 

The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.

 

(510):

 

You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.

 

(847):

 

just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out

 

 

(850):

 

u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.

 

(704):

 

Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.

 

 

 

(612):

 

maybe i'll see you again later :)

(774):

 

I'd rather shit a knife.

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(262):

I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home

 

(407):

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

 

(774):

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

 

(312):

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4

 

(919):

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

 

(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

 

(214):

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

 

(321):

Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

 

and the grand finale!!!

 

 

 

...

 

 

...

 

 

 

(401):

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(860):

Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog

 

 

 

(949):

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

 

(1-949):

are you seriously doing this over text message

 

(949):

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(302):

 

it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other

 

 

(609):

 

not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies

 

new jersey's finest:

 

(609):

 

not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies

 

(512):

 

I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.

(519):

 

If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.

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go North Carolina,

 

(980):I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.

 

(704): oh, you finally did the dishes then?

 

(980): No, bought new ones.

That can't be right...my old college roommates live in Chicago.

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(952):

He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.

 

(320):

Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.

 

 

(240):

So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.

 

 

(402):

Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.

 

 

(860):

So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.

 

 

(831):

period poops. best. ever.

 

(925):

omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...

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(678): So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup

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(323):

You got in a fight last night?

 

(818):

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

 

(323):

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

 

 

Ding Ding Ding, we have a winner

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(651): Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.

 

(856): "must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.

 

(256): my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table

(1-256): whatd she say to you?

(256): no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle

 

 

(610): Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.

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  • 2 weeks later...

(908):

how was last night?

(1-908):

i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.

 

 

(956):

You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South

Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly

drinking a roadie and getting road head.

 

 

(306):

I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.

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And who hasn't been here?

 

 

 

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(915):

I told you I was good to drive

 

(1-915):

Dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate. :unsure:

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(559):

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

 

(1-559):

That depends on who this is.

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