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i'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting


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During the Cold War my engineer grandfather thought it would be wise to put a bomb shelter under his house. About two weeks after it was finished, the wine deliveries started!  He didn't think he coul

C’mon, people, Lesbian Robot was brilliant but did not pen (type?) the NYYC rant. This was the response to LR whining about the leather couch in the Harbor Court men’s room (credit to some guy who sho

Once upon a time we picked picked up a mooring in Provincetown, MA. Now, we're country folk from west Texas, so we were a little unprepared when, thinking of gifts for our kids, including the then 7 y

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(414):

We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply

 

(1-414):

I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday

 

(440):

She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.

 

(216):

Whoa, you know how to pick em.

 

(631):

The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.

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(817):

It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.

At the same time?

 

 

She apparently needs an air tight. :unsure:

 

So a no holdes barred effort to get over it then? :huh:

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(817):

It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.

At the same time?

 

 

She apparently needs an air tight. :unsure:

 

So a no holdes barred effort to get over it then? :huh:

 

It would seem time is a factor.

 

(602):

She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically

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(484):

During charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'

 

I like how this guy thinks

 

(210):

My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out

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(909):

 

The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.

 

 

 

(516):

 

I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.

 

 

 

 

wow I'd love to see those..

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(903): This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I

can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.

(254): Jealous?

(903): Very.

 

 

(614):Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't

stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.

 

 

(864): Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.

 

 

(606): This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.

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(864): Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.

 

 

EEEEEWWWWW. That's just wrong.

 

I went out with a MILF once that was a prolific squirter. She was a nurse and brought along her own absorbant pads. Yeah... that lasted two dates before I said enough.

Way too early in the day for that much information :blink:

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(619):

Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.

 

:P

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(864): Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.

 

 

EEEEEWWWWW. That's just wrong.

 

I went out with a MILF once that was a prolific squirter. She was a nurse and brought along her own absorbant pads. Yeah... that lasted two dates before I said enough.

Way too early in the day for that much information :blink:

Yeah, sorry. I love that "warm" feeling after sex. Just not that kind of "warmth" running down my legs chin.

fixed

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(864): Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.

 

 

EEEEEWWWWW. That's just wrong.

 

I went out with a MILF once that was a prolific squirter. She was a nurse and brought along her own absorbant pads. Yeah... that lasted two dates before I said enough.

Way too early in the day for that much information :blink:

Yeah, sorry. I love that "warm" feeling after sex. Just not that kind of "warmth" running down my legs chin up my nose.

fixed

 

fixed again

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(864): Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.

 

 

EEEEEWWWWW. That's just wrong.

 

I went out with a MILF once that was a prolific squirter. She was a nurse and brought along her own absorbant pads. Yeah... that lasted two dates before I said enough.

Way too early in the day for that much information :blink:

Yeah, sorry. I love that "warm" feeling after sex. Just not that kind of "warmth" running down my legs.

Okay you got me! At a loss for words.

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(504): If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.

 

 

(360): Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?

 

 

(512): That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.

(210): It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?

(512): Is your card paying for my plan b?

 

 

(513): constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.

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(215):

 

What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."

 

 

 

 

(604):

 

Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.

 

 

 

(218):

 

It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.

 

 

 

(403):

 

You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?

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(774): Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.

 

 

(267): dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure

 

 

(610): I can't. I will literally throw up my liver

(484): Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.

 

 

(845): She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the

grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.

(1-845): she is way to in-touch with her childhood

 

 

(972): Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like

winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a

really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.

 

 

(914): Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets

almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi,

figured you don't remember their names.

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GangPlank marina? What other marinas have floating docks in Maryland? Annapolis?

 

(301):

 

Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN

 

Hmm...Where's BusDriver keep his boat? wink.gif

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GangPlank marina? What other marinas have floating docks in Maryland? Annapolis?

 

(301):

 

Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN

 

Hmm...Where's BusDriver keep his boat? wink.gif

 

Annapolis, but that's 410. 301 is Washington/Southern MD, so you might want to ask Hike, Bitches.

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(714):

Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.

 

(1-714):

If he was naked that was me.

 

(416):

He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.

 

(561):

at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe

 

(203):

If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over

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(256):

I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.

 

(747):

Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.

 

(714):

Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.

 

(614):

You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.

 

(502):

I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.

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(724):

So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.

 

(785):

Come on Nikki, god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you

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(269):

I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch

 

(587):

My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween

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  • 2 weeks later...

(248): For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought

 

 

(804): Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.

 

 

(502): She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do

 

 

(201): A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact

words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and

you'll probably turn into a whore."

 

 

(541): I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally

would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when

he finds out.

 

 

(717): He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching

a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO

it.

 

 

(717): well in DOG beers, i've only had one

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(843): To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.

 

Works well with C of C co-eds, I hear...

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(540):

The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth

 

(631):

yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?

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(416):

When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons

 

WTF is a lulu lemon? Canuckastanies?

 

You're in the DC area and you can't figure it out? The lululemon murder trial has been one of the top stories in the news here. (woman who works at the local lululemon store brutally murders her co-worker and tries to make it look like someone broke in and assaulted both of them).

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(604):i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS

 

(402):I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???

 

 

done that...

 

(314):I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.

 

(508):So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

 

(570):All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe

 

if it werent for the area code i would have thought that was LH...

 

(941):Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains

 

yeah sarasota.... represent... i actually think i might know who sent that...

 

 

(301):my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook

 

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(847):

I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.

 

It's a wonderful life!

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  • 3 weeks later...

(812):

I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.

 

(928):

its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.

 

Ouch.

 

(815): Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...

(719): LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..

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OK I'm laughing my ass off! Can hardly believe this is real...but you know it is. Nothing more retarded than a middle class white guy trying to pass as a black gangsta pimp.

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Holy shit that is funny! He spells a little like Snags...

 

 

A little !?!? I was thinking they were the same person. :P

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Problem I have with Bennett is that he either has a decades old phone, or goes out of his way not to use spell check.

 

I don't see him as patient enough to type "ol' skool" with numbers as letters.

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Problem I have with Bennett is that he either has a decades old phone, or goes out of his way not to use spell check.

 

I don't see him as patient enough to type "ol' skool" with numbers as letters.

 

Well, BG claims his (Max)iPad makes all his spelling mistakes for him.

 

Then again, he is a lying sack of shit.

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Problem I have with Bennett is that he either has a decades old phone, or goes out of his way not to use spell check.

 

I don't see him as patient enough to type "ol' skool" with numbers as letters.

 

Well, BG claims his (Max)iPad makes all his spelling mistakes for him.

 

Then again, he is a lying sack of shit.

 

 

My i-phone 4s has auto correct on it. I can't imagine the i-pad not having the same feature.

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Problem I have with Bennett is that he either has a decades old phone, or goes out of his way not to use spell check.

 

I don't see him as patient enough to type "ol' skool" with numbers as letters.

 

Well, BG claims his (Max)iPad makes all his spelling mistakes for him.

 

Then again, he is a lying sack of shit.

 

 

My i-phone 4s has auto correct on it. I can't imagine the i-pad not having the same feature.

 

I am sure it does. Kinda makes BG's assertions (read: lies) that much more absurd.

 

If Bennett ever tells his cousin he "schooled" him, we'll know for sure.

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Holy shit. Read today's entry.

 

 

I REALLY don't want to know what he did to GET the Hemi!

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(270):

No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.

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(215):

I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"

 

(909):

and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

(919): Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.

 

----------------------------

 

(859): if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.

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(304):

I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.

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(714):

I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work. :unsure:

 

(519):

I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning

 

(519):

Omg I think I'm in the wrong class

 

 

 

I have been here. :D

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