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i'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting


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(903):

I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...

 

(360):

Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.

 

(253):

you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.

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(903):

I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...

 

(360):

Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.

 

(253):

you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.

 

 

4 awesome finds!

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(352):

Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested

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(812): I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.

 

I think I can write off today as complete waste of time at work. Must not look at this stuff tomorrow!

 

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Gotta love low standards -

 

(410):

 

I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.

 

Or, low hygenic standards -

 

(410):

 

SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR

 

(610):

 

Don't text me with that hand

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(512):

By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you

 

 

Yup, gotta be Austin. - - - - - - - - - - - That wasn't you was it, Gouv? New fangled diet and all.

 

 

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(862):

Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons

 

(808):

So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?

 

(832):

Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.

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(604):

We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.

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(903):

 

I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...

 

(440):

 

They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.

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(410):

i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last

 

 

(410):

She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?

 

 

(410):

I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.

 

 

(717):

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410):

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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(931):

I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.

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(641):

You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid. :unsure::blink:

 

(+61):

I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.

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(443):

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

 

(443):

There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.

 

(443):

There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.

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(425):

 

Wanna skype?

(1-425):

 

Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.

 

 

 

 

 

(501):

 

You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.

 

 

 

 

 

(931):

 

Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.

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Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

 

I like this one! Now I just have to wait for a chance to use it.

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Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

 

I like this one! Now I just have to wait for a chance to use it.

 

A favorite of mine as well...I only use it on special occasions,when brilliance isn't being displayed up to par...

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Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

 

I like this one! Now I just have to wait for a chance to use it.

How about in the Workplace Wisdom thread? Or in (shudder) PA.

 

Only if I knew them well...it's a more sensitive world now...and many can be easily offended these days...

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Reminds me of a joke I heard, Gyno tells his beautiful female patient, "This may be a little uncomfortable, would you like me to numb it first?" "Oh yes, doctor, thank you!"

 

(num, num, num, num)

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(316):

Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.

 

(415):

She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.

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(281):

I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..

 

(406):

sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.

 

Favorite

(617):

I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."

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(443):

My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.

 

Gotta be one of us.

 

443 is Baltimore MD Area. Sounds like an Annapolis sailor.

 

443 covers both sides of the Bay from PA down to VA.

 

But, it is more likely to be from Annapolis. In Baltimore, they would have mentioned their Bayliner.

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(205):

You fucked her?! HER?!

 

(1-205):

She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.

 

(218):

You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.

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(217): it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him

 

 

(714): I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.

 

 

(713): Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.

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(201):

You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.

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maybe he wants to stick and arm or leg in there..

 

 

(907)

She was humming during sex. After, I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music.

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(530):

Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.

 

(402):

I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.

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