Best Laugh When Sailing

[Delta Dog]

Decades ago on an ocean race (one design, Santana 35 fleet in norcal).   Very windy and we were the only one hold to hang onto the chute on the run.  Lead of at least a mile.  We will win for sure but its been a long, rough, very windy days to say the least.

We are power reaching past mile rock and headed for the gate.  The owner comes up with the idea of resetting the kite so we can finish looking good.   

Rich (owner) - "what do you think of putting the kite back up?"

Crew up front, Lauren, say to Rich the owner "How do you make a hard-on last?"  

Rich - "I don't know"

Lauren - "Ya don't fuck with it"

Needless to say, the kite stayed in the bag.

 

[Great Red Shark]

She now has her 100 ton license and is a graduate of the Merchant Marine Academy operating tugboats and piloting ships.

First day at the academy:  "You have sailing experience?"  

"Let me tell you about the time I was class boat racing and one of the crew's leg fell off."

"Oh yeah,  she's one of us."

 

[sugarbird]

On a springtime passage from the Abacos to LIS, out in the middle somewhere, lovely sunset, nice breeze and smooth seas. Everybody's in a good mood, just finished a big spaghetti dinner, and I graciously agreed to wash the dishes. There was a slug of sauce left in the big frypan, and the fridge was on the blink, so I handed the pan up to the fellow on watch and said, "Hey Jim, toss this over will you?" He took the pan and said, "Throw it over?" I said, "Yeah," whereupon he promptly threw the pan into the drink. I paused open-mouthed for a second or two, then screamed "WTF?!" He gave me a really innocent look, and goes, "Well, you told me to throw it over!" And then the laughing started.

 

[nota]

no sailing or sail boats in this story but a day in the dinner key marina in coconutt grove miami fla

it was a weekday about 11 am

the delivery  truck diver left the motor running on the unlocked truck to start the mess

now that was a very bad idea as it was a full booze truck and two local wino's happen by at that exact   time who jump in the truck and drive away

so off they go to the docks happy to pass out and consume their score

local cop then jumps in to action as the driver reports the truck missing

and proceeds to give chase after a lap or three around the area the now very very drunks bail out of the truck at the boat launch ramp and decide to go for a swim to get away from the cops who are now arriving in increasing numbers

just as the smugglers in the power boat overloaded with bales pull in to the dock to put their boat on a trailer and are now totally freaking out as the cops are running at them

so the smuggler's raise their   their hands to be cuffed as a surrender jester and are totally shocked as the cop give them a friendly handshake instead of cuffing them as expected, then point to the swimming drunks and ask to use the boat to chase the drunks. smuggler's are shocked but comply

one drunk is quickly hauled aboard but the other is hiding out in sailing clubs moored boats and the chase went on for quite a bit of time with a 1/2 dozen cops on the overloaded bail stuffed boat eventually returning to the ramp/dock with the one drunk and the smugglers

as they dock the smugglers again try to surrender to be arrested only to be hand shake and thanked for their help in getting the one drunk as the cops remain totally clewless of the cargo

so now what to do they are surrounded by friendly cops with an overloaded pot boat expecting any moment to be discovered

guess they will try to go with the flow and haul out the boat ?

well remember they are totally over loaded

boat gets on the trailer and up the ramp when two tyres blow out

cops are still there at the ramp and rush to help their new buddy's get the tyres changed 

cops are very helpful even driving the guys to the tyre store and helping them change the tyres

finally they get done and try to drive away getting up to US1 about a 1/2 mile when an other tyre blows and they abandon the boat and trailer at a closed gas station when the boat sits several days

before it is finally discovered still loaded with bales of pot

I did NOT see it happen but did see the boat at the gas station and knew the drunks and was told the story by many others who did see it go down

one of the drunk got semi famous by being shot by the cops who tryed to cover up his not being armed by planting a gun [but the cops had stole the gun from a guy who reported the theft]

and died after getting a huge payment from the city and over dosing

 

[LB 15]

No one is laughing today but Offshore racing in Australia is a joke.

 

[unShirley]

I love these types of threads, thank you Cal20sailor.

I got two:

In 1981 I spent 6 weeks surfing the east coast of Oz, hanging out with other surfers and living out of an old Falcon in caravan parks.  I didn't realize I had a SoCal accent until the Aussies cracked up every time I opened my mouth.  At Noosa, two dole bludgers I was hanging out with talked me into taking them out on a rental beach cat.  That outings was hilarious. One time when I was flying the hull, the bludger I had sitting to leeward purposely  leaned out to capsize the cat.  I scrambled over the windward hull and didn't get wet. They both howled LOL.  Next, a Hobie 16 went reaching past us and I remarked, "those fucking guys are hauling ass!"  The Aussies again howled LOL because they had never heard anything like that before.  Finally, when it came time to return the boat, I paralleled the beach until I could perfectly time a turn in to surf one of the 1' mush burgers.  The rental guy was all pissed off at me for flying the hull, capsizing, and then surfing the boat in.  I just looked at him and said, "whatever," and walked away.

The other story isn't about a line said, but never less pretty funny (to me anyway).  1983, We were sailing wing and wing  across the Caribbean from Culebra to San Blas Islands on a 35' sloop, about a 5 or 6 day trip IIRC.  We often saw flying fish, albeit they seem to be much smaller in the Caribbean than the ones we see in the Pacific.  I was down below and one of the other crew was napping on a berth in the main saloon when a flying fish flew in through the campionway and hit him right in the face. He awoke with a startle reflex and panic that was pretty damn funny.

 

[d'ranger]

So this is/was only funny to me: This one time at band camp when doing a return from a race we are going up the ditch and come to a fork and skipper says go left, I say we always take the outside one and he says no the inside is shorter. I say I think there is a bridge and he has his map out (old days when paper still used) and he says yes but there is plenty of height it's xxx' feet high. I say, hmm, that's pretty tall - his boat and it's me, him and his gf, beautiful fall day so we are motoring along and a fishing boat goes past and they are yelling and waving their arms and owner ignores them. Another hour and we are coming up to the bridge and I can see ain't no way we are gonna fit so I take the helm, owner is reading his map and I let us get oh, less than a boat length from the cables in front of the bridge and tell him to go forward to look - just above the spreaders. So, I turn us around for the 2 hours back and he sez:

oh, it's xxx' wide.  Was hard to hide my smirk. Yeah, I am that guy.

edit: same guy and his gf, next year and bringing boat back in November and I say good chance we will see the whopping cranes and since he is a big time amateur photographer (Galapagos etc) I mention will be pretty cool, they are really tall and white and he says oh no, they are gray - he has been to the reserve and photographed from the viewing stands. I mention that those were probably sand hills, hey, what do I know, right?  So later that day he and his gf are below having a nap...  and there they are some right at the waters edge, including an adult pair with a young one, some stretching their wings to see the black tips etc.  Was awesome sight so later when they come back up I mention we passed some and they were white.  It was quiet after that.  Yeah, I am that guy. 

 

[basketcase]

Last race of a weekend series that we were doing quite well in.... Couple of bad tacks and we find ourselves last at the last downwind turn. Skipper hands me the helm as he heads down below. Returns moments later with a beef tenderloin. He popps open the force 10 and proceeds to barbeque this delicious looking piece of meat. Didn't take long for the smell to make it down course. Finished with another bullet.....

 

[Couta]

Towards the end of a Geelong regatta...and after a BIG night, hungover, we struggle to get to a morning start....multiple divisions in a procession of starts... we line up and smash it, finding ourselves in amongst a massive number of boats as we round to top mark, get the kite set and settle the boat down....only to note that all the boats around us are from another division. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!.....convinced that we'd inadvertently started in the wrong division, the owner stormed below ranting about "ineptitude and drunks" and rhetorically asking why he even bothered....and appeared in the companionway beer in hand. We race on half-heartedly....despondent.... hangover really kicking in....But then someone starts recognising some of the boats we started with are way back..."Hang On...they were definitely with our start".....slowly, thru the fog of hangover and disappointment, we begin to realise....we've Jagged a brilliant first work and have a sizeable lead!!! Owner dumps beer...everyone starts trimming...back in mode we go on to win...race and regatta! Owner later says..."Never doubted it for a second!"

 

[Leeroy Jenkins]

"watch when I show up at the bottle depot with this fuckin thing!" 

*from a friend considering moving on from an aluminum boat 

 

[Son of Hans]

Funnier for others than for me.  Crewing on a C&C 43 for an overnight race, very short-handed.  As night falls we are sailing into a line of storms, so I get sent forward to change the genny single-handed.  Being prudent, I wear a safety harness.  I go forward, clip onto a padeye and get the sail changed.  Then I turn and run back to the cockpit, forgetting all about the safety line trailing between my legs.  Nothing like the sensation of being unexpectedly grabbed by the nuts and flung face down on the deck.

 

[jamhass]

OK, to start, I am a cruiser, and not so much a racer.

On my wife's first overnight passage, we had two crewmembers, one our "unrecovered ocean racer", some 60+ years old who still raced.

Wifey was at the helm, night, 12-foot swell in our favor and 20+ knots of wind, also in our favor.  Under asym and autopilot, with wife punching buttons to keep the spinny happy.  14+ knot boat speed.  Oh yeah, 7.3 kn hull speed.

I was "sorta" double watching with her -- did I mention, her first night watch?  We were more than a bit concerned that it was well past time to bring in the spinny, when our unrecovered ocean racer popped his head out of the companionway, and before we could utter the words to douse the spinny, he looked around, said "Oh, she's sailing nicely" and went back to bed. 

 

[bgytr]

My 1st Annapolis to Newport race in 1979 I think it was.  Building southerly in the afternoon as we were approaching Block Island after 2 days of drifting.  Kite up, broad reaching.  There's a bird on the windex the entire afternoon watch, spinning in circles all afternoon.  We are chatting about it the whole watch.  Towards the end of the watch, one of the off-watch guys, who is bald as a cue ball pokes his head out the companionway, angrily gripes, "what's this shit about a bird on the mast been keeping me awake".  He looks up and splat on his forehead, bird shits on him, then flies away.  

 

[JEA]

My 1st Annapolis to Newport race in 1979 I think it was.  Building southerly in the afternoon as we were approaching Block Island after 2 days of drifting.  Kite up, broad reaching.  There's a bird on the windex the entire afternoon watch, spinning in circles all afternoon.  We are chatting about it the whole watch.  Towards the end of the watch, one of the off-watch guys, who is bald as a cue ball pokes his head out the companionway, angrily gripes, "what's this shit about a bird on the mast been keeping me awake".  He looks up and splat on his forehead, bird shits on him, then flies away.  

That funny!!!!!

 

[eliboat]

Racing to Halifax on my friends beautiful classic Rhodes cutter, in an effort to eek out that last .001 knot, in addition to burnishing the bottom, my buddy had decided to plug the through hull for the holding tank.  8 guys eating dinty Moore for a few days…. Somewhere of the coast around Chester someone pumps one last turd in and BOOM, the holding tank exploded completely filling the bilge with shit.   My buddy, being the stand up dude that he is, cleaned it all himself while appreciating the inherent humor in the situation.  
 

Same boat different Halifax race, it was a very slow race and our navigator was booked to navigate on some yacht back in the UK.  Upon finishing, we are waiting in a long line to check in with customs at the YC, and our navigator is freaking out that he is going to miss his flight out.  He convinces us to take him up a bit to a spot where we nose the bow up to shore and he jumps off onto a fence like a fat middle aged spider man and disappears.   A couple of hours later when we finally get to customs, my friend the owner has to explain to customs why we are one short of our manifest.   Being the smooth operator he is, he was able to calm the clear consternation the customs officials had and came sauntering back down to the dock giggling about it all. 

 

[White Lightning2]

Probably the one shared by the most had to be WIRW in the late 90's/ish/. Friday drifter after a pretty decent week and RC is valiantly trying to set a course in the different zephyrs popping up. Afte a bit someone gets on the Race frequency and and says "Race Committee, this is ridiculous" Without missing a beat RC responds "Go ahead Ridiculous, this is the race committee"

Laughter rolling across the race course from one end to the other

WL

 

[PaulK]

More customs fun...

We cleared into Greenock, Scotland, where the officers remarked that it was the first time they had ever had to step down into an arriving vessel.  Most of the time they deal with freighters and submarines.  I left the boat and headed for Southampton.  At the dock for the Le Havre ferry I hand my passport to the officer and he thumbs through it.  A couple of times.  "You don't have an entry stamp." he announced.  I explained that it can't be my fault the guys in Scotland didn't stamp my passport. "But you're in the country illegally!" he added. "So I'm leaving!" I replied.  He rolled his eyes, stamped my passport, and waved me on.  

 

[starsinker]

Sailing downwind in a large J24 regatta in Seattle as a 40 knot line squall approached from behind. I was asked if we should take down the kite, i think ‘F’it’ was my reply, to which our French Canadian crew mate remarked in his Québécois accent:

‘Don’t look back - is carnage’.

Moments later our spreader was in the water. 
 

This phrase with accent is our go-to when things get spicy on the water 

 

[White Lightning2]

After a very, very sporty Southern Straits race. Delivery back and early morning departure in the dark and drizzle. Autopilot steering and iron jenny running. Sitting under the delivery dodger sipping coffee. Me, the bowman and trimmer. Bowmans auto-inflate suddenly inflates while he's in mid sip. This after not inflating during the thick of it. Nor on the first aborted attempt at a delivery home. 

He looks down and goes "Yup, it was that kind of a weekend"

WL

 

[d'ranger]

Evening rum race, skipper invited his latest conquest who brought a huge deli platter and put it on the galley counter. Not much help in racing so when I got the spin down I looked at that platter and thought, that ain't gonna end well - we round the mark harden up and the platter splatters into the spin - deli meats, brie and who knows what - it just stays there until we get back to the dock and we put it away.  Next time hoisted the stains were everywhere so from then on it was the deli cut spin.