In light of some recent posts in various threads here I decided to open a discussion on our inevitable demise. Well It turns out in November of 2021 one of my life long friends back home passed away a couple of months after I had returned from a visit back there, I had started a thread about it with the same title hence the (again). That discussion while is shared some similarities, was a bit different than what I want to discuss here.
I opted for a new thread because I would like to bring up other issues that what were contained in the previous thread.
As many of you know by now, I have been afflicted with a degenerative neuro muscular disease for some years now. It is similar to ALS, but not as fast acting, and MS which sometimes goes into remission, but ultimately is fatal.
In the last year the symptoms started to worsen at a more rapid pace, and in the last couple of months the decline has accelerated at an alarming rate.
Last July we bought this cover for our deck at a local store in Germany, It is good quality anodized aluminum with sliding plastic roof panels. Of course it had to be assembled. While not up to my usual physical condition, I figured I could build it, alone of course. If I were in good shape I think it would have taken about 4 or 5 hours. Well, it took me 10 hours over 2 days because 5 hours was all I could do in one day. Actually they were 2 10 hour days with lots of breaks. By the end of the 2nd day, I was completely exhausted. It looks good and I'm glad I did it, but it wasn't easy. That was my last ever DIY project.
Nowadays, getting out of bed, in and out of a chair, cooking even a simple meal and even eating are all hard work. I can walk about 50' before needing to stop and 50' more and then I'm done for a bit. Travel anywhere except to a store, if I can park close by is out of the question. Even getting wheeled through the airport isn't a panacea because they don't wheel you everywhere.
So I spend a lot of time at my desk looking on my computer, thank goodness for Porn Hub YouTube.
So that's my life anymore and it seems every day things get a little more difficult. The best thing I can do is lay in bed and read, the bed supports mot of my body. Even sitting in a chair after a while wears me out holding up my not small body and the getting up and down to let the dogs and cats in and out and feeding them get onerous.
So that's currently where I'm at and now I would like to address the thoughts that led me to start this new thread.
It seems many people here have said they want to go in their sleep, or doing something thy love, to pass quickly and painlessly , etc. All common human desires when contemplating the end of life. The trouble is unless we kill ourselves we get the death we get, not the one we would like. Of course some people do pass in their sleep, or keel over from a massive heart attack or stroke, but that isn't the norm, especially for people under the age of 70 or so. I'm sure my mother would have made a better choice if it was up to her when a glioblastoma (a deadly brain cancer) which left here a screaming maniac that didn't resemble her former state after 6 months of horrible suffering. I doubt that my 1st ex wife expected to die of metastatic breast cancer at age 46 after the cancer had spread to her liver, lungs, bones, and brain, leaving our 10 year old daughter with out a mother. And on and on it goes. My maternal grandfather and paternal grandmother died of colon cancer after a year or so of struggle.
It\s nice to think we will all pass on peacefully, painlessly and quietly with all of our faculties intact but that's the exception not the norm. Working in the emergency medical business I've seen people die in all kinds of ways, most of them not very nice or enviable.
I can understand why people want to go quickly and easily but I also think it makes things more difficult without a more realistic view of the likelihood of a quiet death.
Being the kind of guy I am, while I have to say, it's a real struggle lately, from an objective intellectual standpoint the process is quite fascinating. Waking up every morning and seeing how bad I feel on any given day gives me some idea of how much longer I have to endure this shit. I've never tried to die slowly so I don't have much to go on and I have to say not having a good idea when D-Day will finally arrive is a little annoying. I don't want to be overly pessimistic and have somebody challenge me 6 months from now and say "Hey, you were supposed to be dead already, WTF???. On the other hand I don't want to be overly optimistic and then die sooner than I promised to people close to me. I spend some time mulling these problems. I'm a considerate guy and I don't want to shatter people's expectations with in reason. My best guess is 1 to 6 months, leaning to the shorter end but don't hold me to it!
Then there's the thing where people tell me, well gee, you look great and you seem cheerful, I don't believe you. Or the old, hey don't give up, you never know, you might get better. I'm sure they are well meaning but it isn't at all helpful. Half of my genes are Polish and Polish people aren't quitters. I think some folks in my position would be in the ground right now, I wish I were gone but I just don't know the meaning of the word quit. I am confident that the day will come but not soon enough to suit me.
There is only one way we can control how and when we die and that is to take our own life. That sounds simple enough but it comes with it's own problems. The most effective ways are often messy and could involve a lot of pain albeit briefly. The 'Hemmingway', a shotgun blast to the head is almost always fatal but what a mess! Would you want to have a loved one find you like that. Hanging often works, but can cause a struggle while gasping for air and reconsidering the choice, and again, seeing the victim of a hanging isn't always pretty either. There are plenty of drugs, both prescription or OTC that can kill you but some knowledge of pharmacology and access to the good, most effective drugs can be a problem. There's also the possibility of somebody finding you before you've died and you wake up in a hospital. Shit! All that explaining, a stay in a psych ward, etc. And on it goes. Although a disturbing number of people kill themselves, including those who aren't terminally ill, it still has it's drawbacks. So that's not always the answer. For around $10,000 you can go to Switzerland and they do it all very nicely as only the Swiss cam, but damn, 10 grand!
So those are some of my thoughts on the subject. But to me the biggest thing is this false bravado that many people think they will go quickly and quietly into the night, or doing something they love. That just isn't the case for many. I think there is nothing wrong about thinking about the subject, especially for those entering their 60s or 70s where death becomes increasingly imminent. To me knowledge is power. Death happens to everybody , we might as well give it some objective, realistic thought. I hadn't really given the subject a lot of thought until the last couple of years even though I've had 2 heart attacks and some other serious health issues. Now it's pretty much on my mind daily and I can't wait to get it over with. I'm doing the best I can with what I've got. The upside is once your dead your dead. I don't believe in any kind of after life, I believe when th lights go out, they're out. I won't know I'm dead. I do hope I see it coming and can experience the ultimate thrill but who knows. And even if I do, then I'll be dead so I won't be able to tell the story over a good bottle of old Bordeaux. Oh well, I think I can live with that. Because I'll be dead and gone.
I've had a great life full of fun, travel and adventure and met many incredible people, done incredible things and generally enjoyed the ride. I have no real regrets about any of it. That's how life should be. I'm ready for some rest. YMMV.
I opted for a new thread because I would like to bring up other issues that what were contained in the previous thread.
As many of you know by now, I have been afflicted with a degenerative neuro muscular disease for some years now. It is similar to ALS, but not as fast acting, and MS which sometimes goes into remission, but ultimately is fatal.
In the last year the symptoms started to worsen at a more rapid pace, and in the last couple of months the decline has accelerated at an alarming rate.
Last July we bought this cover for our deck at a local store in Germany, It is good quality anodized aluminum with sliding plastic roof panels. Of course it had to be assembled. While not up to my usual physical condition, I figured I could build it, alone of course. If I were in good shape I think it would have taken about 4 or 5 hours. Well, it took me 10 hours over 2 days because 5 hours was all I could do in one day. Actually they were 2 10 hour days with lots of breaks. By the end of the 2nd day, I was completely exhausted. It looks good and I'm glad I did it, but it wasn't easy. That was my last ever DIY project.
Nowadays, getting out of bed, in and out of a chair, cooking even a simple meal and even eating are all hard work. I can walk about 50' before needing to stop and 50' more and then I'm done for a bit. Travel anywhere except to a store, if I can park close by is out of the question. Even getting wheeled through the airport isn't a panacea because they don't wheel you everywhere.
So I spend a lot of time at my desk looking on my computer, thank goodness for P
So that's my life anymore and it seems every day things get a little more difficult. The best thing I can do is lay in bed and read, the bed supports mot of my body. Even sitting in a chair after a while wears me out holding up my not small body and the getting up and down to let the dogs and cats in and out and feeding them get onerous.
So that's currently where I'm at and now I would like to address the thoughts that led me to start this new thread.
It seems many people here have said they want to go in their sleep, or doing something thy love, to pass quickly and painlessly , etc. All common human desires when contemplating the end of life. The trouble is unless we kill ourselves we get the death we get, not the one we would like. Of course some people do pass in their sleep, or keel over from a massive heart attack or stroke, but that isn't the norm, especially for people under the age of 70 or so. I'm sure my mother would have made a better choice if it was up to her when a glioblastoma (a deadly brain cancer) which left here a screaming maniac that didn't resemble her former state after 6 months of horrible suffering. I doubt that my 1st ex wife expected to die of metastatic breast cancer at age 46 after the cancer had spread to her liver, lungs, bones, and brain, leaving our 10 year old daughter with out a mother. And on and on it goes. My maternal grandfather and paternal grandmother died of colon cancer after a year or so of struggle.
It\s nice to think we will all pass on peacefully, painlessly and quietly with all of our faculties intact but that's the exception not the norm. Working in the emergency medical business I've seen people die in all kinds of ways, most of them not very nice or enviable.
I can understand why people want to go quickly and easily but I also think it makes things more difficult without a more realistic view of the likelihood of a quiet death.
Being the kind of guy I am, while I have to say, it's a real struggle lately, from an objective intellectual standpoint the process is quite fascinating. Waking up every morning and seeing how bad I feel on any given day gives me some idea of how much longer I have to endure this shit. I've never tried to die slowly so I don't have much to go on and I have to say not having a good idea when D-Day will finally arrive is a little annoying. I don't want to be overly pessimistic and have somebody challenge me 6 months from now and say "Hey, you were supposed to be dead already, WTF???. On the other hand I don't want to be overly optimistic and then die sooner than I promised to people close to me. I spend some time mulling these problems. I'm a considerate guy and I don't want to shatter people's expectations with in reason. My best guess is 1 to 6 months, leaning to the shorter end but don't hold me to it!
Then there's the thing where people tell me, well gee, you look great and you seem cheerful, I don't believe you. Or the old, hey don't give up, you never know, you might get better. I'm sure they are well meaning but it isn't at all helpful. Half of my genes are Polish and Polish people aren't quitters. I think some folks in my position would be in the ground right now, I wish I were gone but I just don't know the meaning of the word quit. I am confident that the day will come but not soon enough to suit me.
There is only one way we can control how and when we die and that is to take our own life. That sounds simple enough but it comes with it's own problems. The most effective ways are often messy and could involve a lot of pain albeit briefly. The 'Hemmingway', a shotgun blast to the head is almost always fatal but what a mess! Would you want to have a loved one find you like that. Hanging often works, but can cause a struggle while gasping for air and reconsidering the choice, and again, seeing the victim of a hanging isn't always pretty either. There are plenty of drugs, both prescription or OTC that can kill you but some knowledge of pharmacology and access to the good, most effective drugs can be a problem. There's also the possibility of somebody finding you before you've died and you wake up in a hospital. Shit! All that explaining, a stay in a psych ward, etc. And on it goes. Although a disturbing number of people kill themselves, including those who aren't terminally ill, it still has it's drawbacks. So that's not always the answer. For around $10,000 you can go to Switzerland and they do it all very nicely as only the Swiss cam, but damn, 10 grand!
So those are some of my thoughts on the subject. But to me the biggest thing is this false bravado that many people think they will go quickly and quietly into the night, or doing something they love. That just isn't the case for many. I think there is nothing wrong about thinking about the subject, especially for those entering their 60s or 70s where death becomes increasingly imminent. To me knowledge is power. Death happens to everybody , we might as well give it some objective, realistic thought. I hadn't really given the subject a lot of thought until the last couple of years even though I've had 2 heart attacks and some other serious health issues. Now it's pretty much on my mind daily and I can't wait to get it over with. I'm doing the best I can with what I've got. The upside is once your dead your dead. I don't believe in any kind of after life, I believe when th lights go out, they're out. I won't know I'm dead. I do hope I see it coming and can experience the ultimate thrill but who knows. And even if I do, then I'll be dead so I won't be able to tell the story over a good bottle of old Bordeaux. Oh well, I think I can live with that. Because I'll be dead and gone.
I've had a great life full of fun, travel and adventure and met many incredible people, done incredible things and generally enjoyed the ride. I have no real regrets about any of it. That's how life should be. I'm ready for some rest. YMMV.
