In Death and Dying (again)

[130lights]

Not much to say here, just this one bit of advice. While you still have the energy, start sorting thru & clearing out all the stuff a modern human gathers over a lifetime. Ask your family what they want to keep, and give it now -- or at least attach labels (For Judy -- from Dad). Things your immediate family or friends don't claim, think about where they will do the most good and gift them today. If energy levels are low, recruit family, friends, or even professionals to assist in going thru boxes. It can be a way to review your own life and draw meaning & completion from all you have done & experienced. And it will save immense grief going forward.

Cuz right now I am sorting thru hundreds of boxes and bags of random stuff belonging to my wife who died in February. It's necessary, it's sweet, but it also means I'll get really sad every evening for the next six months. "Oh god -- here's a Valentine's card from our first year together." {save/gift/ritually burn/trash} pick one

So very sorry for your immense loss @Diarmuid

 

[IStream]

Not much to say here, just this one bit of advice. While you still have the energy, start sorting thru & clearing out all the stuff a modern human gathers over a lifetime. Ask your family what they want to keep, and give it now -- or at least attach labels (For Judy -- from Dad). Things your immediate family or friends don't claim, think about where they will do the most good and gift them today. If energy levels are low, recruit family, friends, or even professionals to assist in going thru boxes. It can be a way to review your own life and draw meaning & completion from all you have done & experienced. And it will save immense grief going forward.

Cuz right now I am sorting thru hundreds of boxes and bags of random stuff belonging to my wife who died in February. It's necessary, it's sweet, but it also means I'll get really sad every evening for the next six months. "Oh god -- here's a Valentine's card from our first year together." {save/gift/ritually burn/trash} pick one

Oh my God, I'm so sorry.

 

[Diarmuid]

Thanks. It hasn't been a fun year, or three years, or seven years (since diagnosis). And we mismanaged so much in retrospect. But ya just do the best you can. It's the sort of thing few people are good at, and I for one never want to master it.

 

[Goodvibes]

Thanks. It hasn't been a fun year, or three years, or seven years (since diagnosis). And we mismanaged so much in retrospect. But ya just do the best you can. It's the sort of thing few people are good at, and I for one never want to master it.

Big life lesson. Just when you have mastered it, you're done. You're either sick of doing it, finished the project or you're dead.

I watched a master of his craft working. Someone asked him how long has he been doing it?

Answer was "Too fucking long."

Life's like that.

 

[Point Break]

Not much to say here, just this one bit of advice. While you still have the energy, start sorting thru & clearing out all the stuff a modern human gathers over a lifetime. Ask your family what they want to keep, and give it now -- or at least attach labels (For Judy -- from Dad). Things your immediate family or friends don't claim, think about where they will do the most good and gift them today. If energy levels are low, recruit family, friends, or even professionals to assist in going thru boxes. It can be a way to review your own life and draw meaning & completion from all you have done & experienced. And it will save immense grief going forward.

Cuz right now I am sorting thru hundreds of boxes and bags of random stuff belonging to my wife who died in February. It's necessary, it's sweet, but it also means I'll get really sad every evening for the next six months. "Oh god -- here's a Valentine's card from our first year together." {save/gift/ritually burn/trash} pick one

The late Mrs PB passed on August 31, 2017 after 30 years together. After not touching anything for a very very difficult year I began to slowly go through those things. Over time there wound up being very few I kept. Some cards, a dress I bought her……not too much. The hardest thing is two poster size pictures of her from her memorial service. To get rid of them I’ll have to cut them up. I know it’s weird…..but I can’t. So in the back of the closet they sit. I never contemplated how I’d be without her. It was a journey. But I - much to my surprise as I was not looking - met and fell in love again with the second great love of my life. Married her and I’m joyfully happy…….but I think of my late wife at some point….every…..single…..day.

You see the things that really count are those things still in your heart and memories. She is oddly sort of still with me on the journey.

I wish you well. Shoot me a note if you want to chat.

 

[Ed Lada]

This will be me!

 

[Tender]

Personally I belive in eternal life, spirit and realms. As an engineer I see physics gives room for that, you can google and reflect over dark matter and dark energy. There are stuff around us we have not been able to identyfy yet. What are radiowaves whithout a radio etc… on near death, I find Eben Alexander trustworthy. If I’m wrong, I will not know it, so nothing to loose. Religions are ways of building power. I don’t care much for religions, my take is more like ’i belive in SAILING, but i don’t like ISAF’. whatever….

 

[veni vidi vici]

Personally I belive in eternal life, spirit and realms. As an engineer I see physics gives room for that, you can google and reflect over dark matter and dark energy. There are stuff around us we have not been able to identyfy yet. What are radiowaves whithout a radio etc… on near death, I find Eben Alexander trustworthy. If I’m wrong, I will not know it, so nothing to loose. Religions are ways of building power. Kind of ‘i belive in SAILING, but i don’t like ISAF’. whatever….

If… kinda.. if .. it would probably be in another form of energy that we simply cannot imagine
and mathematically probably in not a way we can imagine…. chances are in a form that doesn’t resemble or recall these trips around the sun

 

[NeedAClew]

Thanks. It hasn't been a fun year, or three years, or seven years (since diagnosis). And we mismanaged so much in retrospect. But ya just do the best you can. It's the sort of thing few people are good at, and I for one never want to master it.

I am so very sorry for your loss. And for the sorting. It's ok to stop at some point, I think. ((((()))))

 

[Diarmuid]

I am so very sorry for your loss. And for the sorting. It's ok to stop at some point, I think. ((((()))))

My darling had so many fine qualities, it would be unkind to dwell on her utter lack of organization. She wasn't a hoarder, as such. Hoarders collect compulsively & refuse to let anything go. My gal collected impulsively ("Oooh, I could buy that watercolor set and learn to paint!") and then promptly forgot about it as she was onto the next project, so the paints wound up stuck in the back room in a grocery bag.

I thought about just hiring a roll-off and filling it in one great purge. But besides the idea feeling gross somehow, every box or bag contains 85% trash, 13% potentially valuable, and 2% pure gold. A given carton will hold phone bills from 25 years ago, bank statements and business records from 2020, a cute scarf she bought but never took the label off that a friend would love, 14 ballpoint pens, and her original birth certificate. No shit -- that's a typical assortment.

It would have been lovely to spend The Covid Years going thru 2-3 boxes a day with her, rehashing stories ("That card is from my best friend at Bryn Mawr") and finding a sort of pre-closure for us both. But she was a stubborn woman & held out hope to the last; and then we had better use for the little time remaining.

We thought we had all the financial stuff squared away anyhow, but we bungled that too.

 

[oldsurfer]

Increasing frequency of migraines
Misdiagnosed the brain tumor 3 times
Resection was wrong and too aggressive
Demanded a bed right next to her in ICU and rehab
We lived in the hospital for 2 months
It made her very low functioning
Bedridden at home for 2.5 years
Kept within arms reach to keep her from soiling herself
She was so tough and faced her death twice before
I'm nothing without her

 

[veni vidi vici]

Increasing frequency of migraines
Misdiagnosed the brain tumor 3 times
Resection was wrong and too aggressive
Demanded a bed right next to her in ICU and rehab
We lived in the hospital for 2 months
It made her very low functioning
Bedridden at home for 2.5 years
Kept within arms reach to keep her from soiling herself
She was so tough and faced her death twice before
I'm nothing without her

🤗❤️

 

[veni vidi vici]

 

[130lights]

My darling had so many fine qualities, it would be unkind to dwell on her utter lack of organization. She wasn't a hoarder, as such. Hoarders collect compulsively & refuse to let anything go. My gal collected impulsively ("Oooh, I could buy that watercolor set and learn to paint!") and then promptly forgot about it as she was onto the next project, so the paints wound up stuck in the back room in a grocery bag.

I thought about just hiring a roll-off and filling it in one great purge. But besides the idea feeling gross somehow, every box or bag contains 85% trash, 13% potentially valuable, and 2% pure gold. A given carton will hold phone bills from 25 years ago, bank statements and business records from 2020, a cute scarf she bought but never took the label off that a friend would love, 14 ballpoint pens, and her original birth certificate. No shit -- that's a typical assortment.

It would have been lovely to spend The Covid Years going thru 2-3 boxes a day with her, rehashing stories ("That card is from my best friend at Bryn Mawr") and finding a sort of pre-closure for us both. But she was a stubborn woman & held out hope to the last; and then we had better use for the little time remaining.

We thought we had all the financial stuff squared away anyhow, but we bungled that too.

Your pain and recounting of your experiences may be a lesson for some readers. Have you considered a home organizer? Some of them are good (and understand) this type of project.

 

[Diarmuid]

Your pain and recounting of your experiences may be a lesson for some readers. Have you considered a home organizer? Some of them are good (and understand) this type of project.

Next two days' boxes to sort:

Roaring woodstove, kleenex, comfy chair.

There are people who do this professionally, and it is a really valuable option for those feeling overwhelmed. Like hospice, but afterwards. Not so many around here. A couple of friends did sort thru & carry away two carloads of clothing: the teaching outfits to an organization that prepares single moms for professional & para-professional careers, the casual clothes to a thrift boutique that sells them to fund its soup kitchen. I didn't feel ready to have people, even dear friends, rooting around in our closets and hauling memories off in garbage bags; but in retrospect, it was the kindest gesture imaginable. Sometimes other people can see more clearly what we need than we can in our grief. It also set me going on this clean-out project. It was a reminder to get off my mopey ass and do something for other people in need.

It feels selfish imposing on our friends tho, all of whom are that age where we are losing elderly parents, and sometimes partners. And we have less practice at death than earlier generations. I'm 56 and this was the first time I attended a death, and my first time dealing with everything that goes with it. My mother was twelve when she sat vigil for her mom. She laid out her dad when she was forty-five. It is not impossible for a person today to reach retirement age and never have a face-to-face with mortality; and then we have hospitals and assisted living facilities and funeral homes that whisk away the lukewarm body and two weeks later you get a box of ashes and an invoice.

I honestly have no sane opinion about any of the above. An awful lot of human culture revolves around putting sight-screens between us and death. Can't cope? Pile some big rocks over that shit!

 

[veni vidi vici]

Next two days' boxes to sort:

View attachment 570128
Roaring woodstove, kleenex, comfy chair.

There are people who do this professionally, and it is a really valuable option for those feeling overwhelmed. Like hospice, but afterwards. Not so many around here. A couple of friends did sort thru & carry away two carloads of clothing: the teaching outfits to an organization that prepares single moms for professional & para-professional careers, the casual clothes to a thrift boutique that sells them to fund its soup kitchen. I didn't feel ready to have people, even dear friends, rooting around in our closets and hauling memories off in garbage bags; but in retrospect, it was the kindest gesture imaginable. Sometimes other people can see more clearly what we need than we can in our grief. It also set me going on this clean-out project. It was a reminder to get off my mopey ass and do something for other people in need.

It feels selfish imposing on our friends tho, all of whom are that age where we are losing elderly parents, and sometimes partners. And we have less practice at death than earlier generations. I'm 56 and this was the first time I attended a death, and my first time dealing with everything that goes with it. My mother was twelve when she sat vigil for her mom. She laid out her dad when she was forty-five. It is not impossible for a person today to reach retirement age and never have a face-to-face with mortality; and then we have hospitals and assisted living facilities and funeral homes that whisk away the lukewarm body and two weeks later you get a box of ashes and an invoice.

I honestly have no sane opinion about any of the above. An awful lot of human culture revolves around putting sight-screens between us and death. Can't cope? Pile some big rocks over that shit!
View attachment 570129

Counter intuitive but cutting physical ties with objects can be cathartic and freeing. I have experienced surprising result in one particular letting go.
A pair of jungle boots I returned from Vietnam with. I left them on a work bench in the otherwise empty garage after moving from the home I lived in for 40 years and raised our 2 sons in.
At first I simply thought enough is enough but later realized a great relief had overcome me in that symbolic act .
Brings to mind Indian ceremonial services for this and that life experiences relieving the suffering from their human burdens

 

[veni vidi vici]

.

 

[Snaggletooth]

Damm, Ime goode.....

 

[SloopJonB]

And we have less practice at death than earlier generations. I'm 56 and this was the first time I attended a death, and my first time dealing with everything that goes with it. My mother was twelve when she sat vigil for her mom. She laid out her dad when she was forty-five. It is not impossible for a person today to reach retirement age and never have a face-to-face with mortality;

Interesting observation. Made me realize I was 57 the first & only time - my dad. That was 3 months before I retired.

I'd never seen a dead body before that.

We have had it easy haven't we?

 

[NeedAClew]

I came home from school at 17 and found my dad dead. Unexpected though he hadn't been what you'd call well for years. Felt guilty for getting home a few minutes late, talking to a boy. But reason said it wouldn't matter. Rigor setting in.

This thread prompted me to give a bunch of my art books to the library sale people and throw out some pandemic writing I had done that wouldn't cheer my husband up if he went through it. I have some poetry he wouldn't enjoy on a private drive in the cloud.

I have a bunch of boxes but they are medical and tax stuff from each year. Time to shred and toss tax stuff from 2017 (i think) but the medical bills and stuff flummox me as to what to keep.

Mostly I worry that despite my giving him a list of where the money is and the financial stuff is he is going to be lost.