In Death and Dying (again)

[130lights]

Interesting observation. Made me realize I was 57 the first & only time - my dad. That was 3 months before I retired.

I'd never seen a dead body before that.

We have had it easy haven't we?

I was in my early 30s when both parents passed. My youngest brother died unexpectedly almost 5 years ago, his wife 6 months later. That hit me like a gut punch. Our siblings grow up with us. I still picture him walking down the dock, always the last arrival for sailing. I’m not sure how his kids coped so well with their deaths. His daughter still can’t go by their old home, the only one she ever lived in. His grands and my grands still talk about him, a lover of children and a huge personality.

 

[Peter Andersen]

What a depressing thread. We need some cheering up. Ed, have you thrown away your porfolio of young scantily clad eastern european girlies you used to hang out with? You cant take them with you. How about sharing? This would be a good deed we can remember you by and consistent with post #257!

 

[Ed Lada]

What a depressing thread. We need some cheering up. Ed, have you thrown away your porfolio of young scantily clad eastern european girlies you used to hang out with? You cant take them with you. How about sharing? This would be a good deed we can remember you by and consistent with post #257!

I hate to disappoint you but I'm not sharing. You had your chance.
And while I'm, at it, Poland is in central Europe, just look on a map.

I don't find this thread depressing at all, and by rights, I should be on of the more depressed people here.
Death is a fact of life, people have been doing with some regularity, well since the first people appeared on earth. You know 6,000 years ago as they walked with the dinosaurs.

I started this thread to have an honest and open discussion about the subject, and I've enjoyed the responses. Many heartfelt thoughts about my condition, other's relating their experience with their own mortality and others. It's very interesting. Every culture has it's own views and traditions around death, in our western culture I think a lot of folks don't deal to well with the subject and don't always deal well with it. But without death, life has no meaning. Living forever would be very boring after a while, in my opinion, and I don't like to be bored. Of course when somebody we love passes away it hurts, especially if it is before they reach a reasonably old age. But it happens and it's painful and we struggle to get through the experience.

Quite honestly, I'll be relieved when the time comes even though it's a little earlier than I had hoped it to be. Every day the struggle is a little harder and I'm looking forward to some rest. I will feel bad for the folks I leave behind, but not a lot I can do about that except enjoy the time have together now.

Because I'm kind, and I like to see people happy, I'll leave you this one photo. One of my besties. Hopefully in about a month she will release an album of original songs that she wrote and composed the music for. I can tell it is some very good shit. When it's ready I'll post links where you can listen to it. You owe me that for the photo. Her voice is as good as her looks. Even better I think. Here's a link to some covers she's done on Soundcloud. Her original songs are even better.

BTW, whose sock are you?

 

[veni vidi vici]

I hate to disappoint you but I'm not sharing. You had your chance.
And while I'm, at it, Poland is in central Europe, just look on a map.

I don't find this thread depressing at all, and by rights, I should be on of the more depressed people here.
Death is a fact of life, people have been doing with some regularity, well since the first people appeared on earth. You know 6,000 years ago as they walked with the dinosaurs.
.

I started this thread to have an honest and open discussion about the subject, and I've enjoyed the responses. Many heartfelt thoughts about my condition, other's relating their experience with their own mortality and others. It's very interesting. Every culture has it's own views and traditions around death, in our western culture I think a lot of folks don't deal to well with the subject and don't always deal well with it. But without death, life has no meaning. Living forever would be very boring after a while, in my opinion, and I don't like to be bored. Of course when somebody we love passes away it hurts, especially if it is before they reach a reasonably old age. But it happens and it's painful and we struggle to get through the experience.

Quite honestly, I'll be relieved when the time comes even though it's a little earlier than I had hoped it to be. Every day the struggle is a little harder and I'm looking forward to some rest. I will feel bad for the folks I leave behind, but not a lot I can do about that except enjoy the time have together now.

Because I'm kind, and I like to see people happy, I'll leave you this one photo. One of my besties. Hopefully in about a month she will release an album of original songs that she wrote and composed the music for. I can tell it is some very good shit. When it's ready I'll post links where you can listen to it. You owe me that for the photo. Her voice is as good as her looks. Even better I think. Here's a link to some covers she's done on Soundcloud. Her original songs are even better.

BTW, whose sock are you?

View attachment 570271

Oh my ! All I had to do was listen for a few seconds…. What a wonderful gift, I hope she finds financial success, if not just the joy she gives her audience!

. I hope you go when you are ready and are at peace
❤️

Quantum Theory Proves That Consciousness Moves To Another Universe After Death

blog.sciencenatures.com

 

[Ed Lada]

Oh my ! All I had to do was listen for a few seconds…. What a wonderful gift, I hope she finds financial success, if not just the joy she gives her audience!

. I hope you go when you are ready and are at peace
❤️

Quantum Theory Proves That Consciousness Moves To Another Universe After Death

blog.sciencenatures.com

Thanks, that's my goal!

 

[Peter Andersen]

Thanks, that's my goal!

Nah,, we want to see the ones you paid in chocolate bars and ciggarettes

 

[SloopJonB]

Mostly I worry that despite my giving him a list of where the money is and the financial stuff is he is going to be lost.

I worry about the same thing.

My wife does an outstanding job looking after our money and for the past 20 years it has pretty much bored me so I've left her to it.

The downside is she likes to keep it needlessly complicated so she gets a feeling of keeping her hand in at her old job of investment adviser.

A printout of our accounts now runs to 3 pages.

After a long time married our lives get pretty inextricably intertwined. My wife nearly died 10 years ago and it really made me aware of how fucked I'd be without her.

She said the same applies to her, only the details differ.

 

[Point Break]

I worry about the same thing.

My wife does an outstanding job looking after our money and for the past 20 years it has pretty much bored me so I've left her to it.

The downside is she likes to keep it needlessly complicated so she gets a feeling of keeping her hand in at her old job of investment adviser.

A printout of our accounts now runs to 3 pages.

After a long time married our lives get pretty inextricably intertwined. My wife nearly died 10 years ago and it really made me aware of how fucked I'd be without her.

She said the same applies to her, only the details differ.

You would not believe the difficulty in unraveling those intertwined threads. You know when she opened that credit card because you were busy and you are the secondary…….that’s a nightmare. You know when she got the gas turned on at the new house and it’s in her name……that’s a nightmare. You know when the mortgage interest statement has her name on it because you both own the house and the government sends a notice that she didn’t file taxes the year she died because they saw her name on the statement and now they want back taxes and penalties……that’s a nightmare.

6 years later I’m still finding things that need unraveling…….

 

[SloopJonB]

When my dad died I learned that it's good to engage an estate lawyer to sort it out.

Just one example - he never took mom off the house title when she died. It would have cost nothing then, just completing a form.

Instead, when he died I had to pay two property transfer taxes - one to take her off and one to transfer it to me. Total cost was way into 5 figures.

Just that one thing would have been many multiples of the cost of having a pro look after it all.

 

[Point Break]

I’m in the process of getting things orderly for Mrs PB. We hope it’ll still be a couple years out but these things take more time than you think. I refuse to leave her with a shit sandwich to sort out. I never thought about “getting my affairs in order”……but it’s very odd to think….I’m getting my affairs in order.

 

[Ed Lada]

Nah,, we want to see the ones you paid in chocolate bars and ciggarettes

Oh my goodness. A a jealous I see.

 

[phillysailor]

Hey Ed, I’ve just stumbled across this thread. My dad died of ALS and it was awful watching the avid runner and DIYer I loved and respected wither over a few short years.

But he became introspective and kinder, greedy for physical contact from loving family. Always the smartest guy in the room, he used the first version of “Dragon” dictation software to finish a book on climbing the 4,000 footers of NH.

The last mountain he climbed was Owl’s Head, which didn’t have a trail for the ascent from the neighboring hills. He was stumbling across rivers and scraping his knees & elbows the whole way, completely exhausted (and a bit bloody) by the time he and my brother got back to the car.

He knew he’d never climb Mt Madison and therefore not be able to claim credit from the AMC for hiking all 46.

While his older brother was visiting for Christmas, though, they got to chatting. A few calls around to family, and up in an attic in New Britain CT a letter was found from 1947, detailing a climb up Mt Madison and how “little Bobby” cut his knee.

Holy moly, the tears, the toasts and the laughter that ensued! The book was finished and the application sent off.

My uncle traveled to the AMCs yearly meeting the next June to posthumously accept my father’s certificate and patch up in Boston.

Another family member (smart lawyer with a hobby of writing poetry) composed “Bob’s Mountain” which spoke of how the last mountain he never climbed was actually the first mountain he’d ever climbed.

You’ve put in the hard work, Ed, hope you can now enjoy that deck & the breeze to the fullest.

 

[Peter Andersen]

When my dad died I learned that it's good to engage an estate lawyer to sort it out.

Just one example - he never took mom off the house title when she died. It would have cost nothing then, just completing a form.

Instead, when he died I had to pay two property transfer taxes - one to take her off and one to transfer it to me. Total cost was way into 5 figures.

Just that one thing would have been many multiples of the cost of having a pro look after it all.

Small price to pay for living in their basement all those years

 

[veni vidi vici]

This thread reminds of something that my wife and I have discussed but never actually done, find a lawyer and put our assets in a trust.
My dad had all his affairs and intentions for inheritance in order for his 4 children and everything went smoothly after he died. There were NO unaddressed issues. He had a decade before declared in writing what articles he wanted to go to which child. The rest was a inventory list of family treasures that his children took turns claiming. When he moved out of his house to go out west with his new wife, after mom died, everyone was there going through the sentimental keepsakes and reliving old memories attached.
I need to get on this ASAP !

 

[Ed Lada]

Hey Ed, I’ve just stumbled across this thread. My dad died of ALS and it was awful watching the avid runner and DIYer I loved and respected wither over a few short years.

But he became introspective and kinder, greedy for physical contact from loving family. Always the smartest guy in the room, he used the first version of “Dragon” dictation software to finish a book on climbing the 4,000 footers of NH.

The last mountain he climbed was Owl’s Head, which didn’t have a trail for the ascent from the neighboring hills. He was stumbling across rivers and scraping his knees & elbows the whole way, completely exhausted (and a bit bloody) by the time he and my brother got back to the car.

He knew he’d never climb Mt Madison and therefore not be able to claim credit from the AMC for hiking all 46.

While his older brother was visiting for Christmas, though, they got to chatting. A few calls around to family, and up in an attic in New Britain CT a letter was found from 1947, detailing a climb up Mt Madison and how “little Bobby” cut his knee.

Holy moly, the tears, the toasts and the laughter that ensued! The book was finished and the application sent off.

My uncle traveled to the AMCs yearly meeting the next June to posthumously accept my father’s certificate and patch up in Boston.

Another family member (smart lawyer with a hobby of writing poetry) composed “Bob’s Mountain” which spoke of how the last mountain he never climbed was actually the first mountain he’d ever climbed.

You’ve put in the hard work, Ed, hope you can now enjoy that deck & the breeze to the fullest.

Thanks Phily.

It sounds like your father was quite a guy! I'm sorry he had to go that way.

I tried to take reasonably good care of myself over the years in spite of the usual indiscretions of youth, bad knees and a propensity for viral myocarditis. I had planned on staying active and enjoying my golden years, but sometimes life has other plans for us.

My father was a very skilled watchmaker and jeweler. He enjoyed sailing, skiing, and golfing a good part of his life. He participated in those activities until he was 78 years old. He also bought a Harley (a 'little' Sportster 883) when he was 76. He passed away at age 80 of various complications of old age and a weakened immune system. It started with a case of the flu, and a bad case of shingles including in his mouth which made it difficult to eat, and it went down hill from there. He ended up in a nursing home and got C-diff and that at was that. But he lived a pretty full life and was active almost to the end.

 

[phillysailor]

Oh yeah, my dad was something else.

Captain of the hockey team and QB at Amherst. Army Captain, later a Johns Hopkins professor with 40+articles who became Chair of Pediatric Immunology at UofMD. The field didn’t even exist when he went to med school.

Whupped my ass in tennis and squash.

Built bookshelves and tiled kitchens. Became a large format photographer and taught himself Russian when surgeons told him he’d never speak again.

He and his two brothers could fill a room. All over 6ft and dominated local sports. Heck, his older brother was signed by the Detroit Tigers after hitting .447 in college. He became a neurologist instead.

Quite a legacy.

 

[Ed Lada]

This thread reminds of something that my wife and I have discussed but never actually done, find a lawyer and put our assets in a trust.
My dad had all his affairs and intentions for inheritance in order for his 4 children and everything went smoothly after he died. There were NO unaddressed issues. He had a decade before declared in writing what articles he wanted to go to which child. The rest was a inventory list of family treasures that his children took turns claiming. When he moved out of his house to go out west with his new wife, after mom died, everyone was there going through the sentimental keepsakes and reliving old memories attached.
I need to get on this ASAP !

My 1st ex-wife passed away from breast cancer at age 46. She didn't have a will. She had bought a house about 2 years earlier and our daughter lived with her. My daughter was 10 years old wehn her mother passed.

I flew to San Antonio to get my daughter and tie up whatever loose ends needed tying. What a mess. I went to the school where she had been employed as a teacher to see if there was any life insurance. Their life insurance plan was whatever was in their retirement account or $80,000, whichever was the greater amount. The nice lady informed me that the benefit was payable to my exe's sister. They had made a pact to take care of each other's children if anything like this happened. 22 years later and my daughter has never seen a penny of that money. Her brother and sister had come to San Antonio for the final days of my exe's life. After she passed, her brother wanted her newish Kia automobile which had some damage when my ex hit a sign pole going the wrong way on a highway exit ramp in town. That's when they discovered the cancer had metastasized to her brain as well as many other vital parts of her body. Her lovely brother went to the impound lot where the car was and demanded the keys, saying he had a right to his sisters car. The folks said he wasn't entitled to shit without some kind lo legal documents. After that, he and his sister took what they wanted from my exes house and left before I got to San Antonio. Lovely family. In a moment of schadenfreude I wasn't to upset when a few years ago her brother was killed after being struck by a car in an interstate highway berm. He had stopped to check on an abandoned car on the shoulder. The story was that he wanted to see if anybody needed help, I'm of the opinion he was looking to see if he could take anything from the empty vehicle.

The house was underwater since my ex had only payed a couple of years on the mortgage. We took a few things my daughter wanted, locked the door and walked away. All of this happened less than a week after 9/11, it took me several days to get a flight to the US because of the backup when all airline flights in the US were canceled due to 9/11. Luckily my daughter was being cared for by my exe's best friend that had a daughter my daughter's age and they were in school together. All in all it was a rather stressful experience.

I'm glad I have time to make sure everything is in order. My finances are very simple, my funeral arrangements have been pre paid, and I've been distributing some of my possessions as I go along. My daughter is joint owner of my bank account with survivorship. My wife will handle things here, and my sister will take care of things in the US with the VA, SS, etc. It should go pretty smoothly.

 

[SloopJonB]

Small price to pay for living in their basement all those years

OOOOOHHH

 

[kent_island_sailor]

When my dad died I learned that it's good to engage an estate lawyer to sort it out.

Just one example - he never took mom off the house title when she died. It would have cost nothing then, just completing a form.

Instead, when he died I had to pay two property transfer taxes - one to take her off and one to transfer it to me. Total cost was way into 5 figures.

Just that one thing would have been many multiples of the cost of having a pro look after it all.

My mother-in-law was worried she would drop dead for years before she actually died. She had every little thing totally organized, added our names to accounts, transferred titles of cars, and on and on. She totally got the high score in the "making things easy for survivors" game.

 

[Diarmuid]

This thread reminds of something that my wife and I have discussed but never actually done, find a lawyer and put our assets in a trust.
My dad had all his affairs and intentions for inheritance in order for his 4 children and everything went smoothly after he died. There were NO unaddressed issues. He had a decade before declared in writing what articles he wanted to go to which child. The rest was a inventory list of family treasures that his children took turns claiming. When he moved out of his house to go out west with his new wife, after mom died, everyone was there going through the sentimental keepsakes and reliving old memories attached.
I need to get on this ASAP !

Likewise. We had no children, but my house is now paid off (life insurance -- thank you, love!) and there are pension and mutual funds that need either to be put in trust, or to have clear beneficiaries attached. That's what I'm fighting with now: my wife called TIAA/Cref and specified she wanted me named beneficiary on all her investment funds. Well, they did that for one account (the most recent), but as an itinerant academic, she had TIAA & state pension accounts from many different universities stretching back 32 years. Some had other family members named as beneficiaries, including her now-deceased father, or no named beneficiary at all. Some had changed hands between fund owners and now exist under other names & ID numbers. Total value is ~$200k, and that's really close to the limit for claiming via Small Estate Affidavits. The alternative is probate court, which is the nightmare we were trying to avoid. I can't even find out the exact value of the funds, b/c TIAA and Value Line won't disclose the account numbers or holdings to me until I establish ownership. But I can't claim ownership without knowing the account numbers and values.

So we are playing all sorts of games to try to suss out what funds are in whose name & how much $ they represent before filing a good-faith claim for the remainder. All because the investment funds were hyper-literal about assigning beneficiaries. If you don't specify every single account and sub-account by number, you may be in for a nasty surprise. Likewise if you do hire lawyers, have a fancy will drawn up and witnessed, put it thru probate, etc & there is one asset not properly designated or represented in the probate documents, all your expensive preparation can go for naught. Like JonB's house title that never got changed. We'd like to think an estate lawyer would spot the problem and call attention to it, but my (limited) experience with attorneys suggests they might not.