Joke

charm

Member
271
0
Pacific NW
Two muffins are baking in the oven, one muffin turns to the other and says, "damn it's ot in hear."

The other muffin replies, "AHHH, A TALKING MUFFIN!"

 

Willsail4food

Anarchist
799
0
Chicago
I came home one day and said to my girlfriend "Hey honey you should rub toilet paper on your tits."

"WHY?!?" she replied.

"It'll make them bigger, look what it did for your ass!"

 

Willsail4food

Anarchist
799
0
Chicago
Guy walks into a bar and orders 4 martinis.

Bartender asks "What's the occasion?"

Guy says "I'm celebrating my first blowjob."

The bartender says "Congratulations!"

Guy replies "Thanks, if this doesn't get the taste out, NOTHING will."

 

Peacefrog

Super Anarchist
2,399
22
Fins sent this out this morning, all the Canucks will love it!

President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country

to invade next, when his telephone rang...

"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. This is Archie, up

'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada ey? I am

callin' to tells ya dat weare officially declaring war on you ey!"

"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big

is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself,

me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from

the pub. That makes eight!"

George paused. "I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in

my army waiting to move on my command."

"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Bush, the war is

still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?", George asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm

tractor."

President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000

tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to

one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to

ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush, the war

is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified

Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four

byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"

George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell

you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military

complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And

since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie,"I'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I am

sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long

chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can

feed two million prisoners."

CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!

 

Willsail4food

Anarchist
799
0
Chicago
Two gays are in a hotel room and the hotel catches on fire. Which one gets out first, the one on top, or the one on the bottom??

The one on the bottom, he already has his shit packed.

 

Big Stuff

Anarchist
649
12
The South
What is the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

One doesn't follow you around after dropping a load in it.

How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?

Open the car door.

 

Oxygen Mask

Super Anarchist
6,214
1
Oregon USA
Superman was standing on the roof of the tallest building in Gotham, surveying the city with his super vision. Down on the roof of another building he sees Wonder Woman sunbathing nude! He tries not to look, upholder of the morals and all, but he just can't help staring. She's just laying there on her back with her legs spread! Pretty soon he can't stand it and he gets this idea: I can swoop down there with my super speed, get a little, and swoop away so fast no one will know it was me. So he zooms down, hump hump hump hump, and zooms away in flash.

"What the hell was THAT?" yells Wonder Woman.

And the Invisible man says, "I don't know, but my ass sure hurts!"

 

Oxygen Mask

Super Anarchist
6,214
1
Oregon USA
After the Great Britain Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

 

aA

Super Anarchist
5,025
148
norcal™
whats the difference between a bonus and a boner?

your wife will blow your bonus

or

guy walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist, "do you have any condoms with insecticide?"

pharmacist says, "you mean spermicide don't you?"

guy says, "no, i said insecticide. my wifes got a fucking bug up her ass and i'm going after it"

cheers,

..._/)..._/)...

 

Larry

Super Anarchist
Did you ever hear about the woman named Marilyn Miller?

She had her initials tattooed on her cheeks, and every time she bent over, it said "MOM" or "WOW"

 
Last edited by a moderator:
Oh dear. We've resorted to blond jokes.

Oh well, hear goes:

What do you call four blonds sitting on a bench?

A Wind Tunnel

What do you call a blond with dyed brown hair?

Artifical Intelligence

How do blond turn on the lights in the morning?

Open the car door.

 
Last edited by a moderator:

Dave

Anarchist
890
0
Hampton, VA
The three blondes are walking through the woods when they came across some tracks.

The first blonde said “These are deer tracks!"

The second blonde said “No you twit, these are bear tracks!”

The third blonde got hit by the train.

 
A blonde is walking through the woods and comes to the edge of a lake. She sees another blonde on the far shore and calls out "How do you get there to the other side of this lake?"

The other blonde responds "Silly! You're already on the other side!"

 

Willsail4food

Anarchist
799
0
Chicago
OK, blonde joke 1st:

Why can't blondes eat pickles?

They'd get their head stuck in the jar.

And what I came here for:

A Turkish woman was swimming one day when she sees another woman come out of the pool with a lit cigarette. The Turkish woman tries it and it doesn't work. She asks the woman how she keeps her cigarette lit. She replies: I just put a condom over it. The Turkish woman goes to the drug store and asks the clerk for a pack of condoms. The clerk asks: What size would you like? She replies: I don't know, big enough to fit my camel.

 

Remodel

Super Anarchist
9,914
696
None
Three mice meet at a convention in Dallas. Aftger spending the day walking the show floor, the three repair to local tavern to have drink.

After a couple of drinks, they begin discussing who comes from the tougher town. The first mouse says, "I'm from Brooklyn, and we're so tough that we grind up rat poison and put it in our coffe so we can start the day off with a nice buzz."

The second mouse says, "That's nothing. In L.A., when we find a rat trap, first we eat the cheese, then we lay down under the bar and use it as becn press to work off the calories."

The third mouse is a local. He takes a long pull form his beer and gets up as if to leave.

"Where are you going?" ask the out-of-towners.

"Well," drawled the third mouse. 'I've heard about all the bullshit I can stand for one night. And besides, I'm late. I've got to go home and screw the cat."

 
Top