Joke

warbird

Super Anarchist
16,688
1,437
lake michigan
Thread starter #2,567


A large Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Chicago, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley losing his hat, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly.

An ABC reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter, addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars.I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page.

So, what do you do for a living ? the reporter asked.'
The biker replied, 'I'm US Marine infantry and just returned from Afghanistan" as he retrieved his MAGA hat.

The ABC journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
 
‘ANGRY MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.’


 
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Bump-n-Grind

Get off my lawn.
14,987
3,818
Chesapeake Bay/Vail
I thought I'd rerun this classic from page 4, Always gives me a chuckle..

 A penguin is driving into a small town and notices his engine is giving off blue smoke. He drives into a repair shop and the mechanic tells him it will be about an hour to check things over. The penguin decides to walk across the street to McDonald's for lunch.

Penguins' tastes being what they are, rather than a Big Mac, the penguin orders a fish sandwich, finishes it and heads back to the garage.

Seeing him coming, the mechanic solemnly shakes his head and observes, "Buddy, it looks like you've blown a seal!"

The penguin quickly wipes his beak with a flipper and replies, "No, that's just tartar sauce."
that one always reminds me of this one ....

Code:
[SIZE=14px][COLOR=#3498db][FONT=Arial]The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near the rear
and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled amongst
themselves, causing quite a disturbance. All of a sudden, Dopey stands up
and says, "Father, are there any midget nuns in the church ?" "No," said
the priest, "There are no midget nuns in the church." A little time passed
and the dwarfs were again whispering and giggling amongst themselves
causing quite a disturbance and noticeably angering the priest.

Soon, Dopey stands up again and asks, "Father, are there any midget nuns in
the city?"

"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the city or in the church." says
the priest. Again the dwarfs resume their annoying giggling to the dismay
of the priest.

Once again, Dopey stands up and asks "Father, are there any midget nuns in
the state?"

"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the state, in the city, and no
midget nuns in the church." exclaimed the priest, obviously upset.

The dwarfs continue their interference.

Dopey stands up and asks, "Father, are there any midget nuns in thecountry?"

The priest, totally angered, exclaims "No, my son, there are no midget nuns
in the church, in the city, in the state, no midget nuns in the country,
there are no midget nuns in the whole world!!! Now sit down!!!!!"

Soon afterwards, a chant can be heard from the rear of the church, "Dopey
fucked a penguin. Dopey fucked a penguin. Dopey fucked a penguin."[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE]
 

Bump-n-Grind

Get off my lawn.
14,987
3,818
Chesapeake Bay/Vail
Code:
With apologies to Edgar Allen Poe ... 

** Abort, Retry, Ignore **

 Once upon a midnight dreary,  fingers cramped and vision bleary,
 System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
 Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
 Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
 Having reached the bottom line,
 I took a floppy from the drawer.
 Typing with a steady hand,  I then invoked the SAVE command
 But got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

 Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
 These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
 Carefully, I weighed my options.
 These three seemed to be the top ones.
 Clearly, I must now adopt one -
 Choose : "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

 With my fingers pale and trembling,
 Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
 Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
 Praying for some guarantee
 Finally I pressed a key --
 But on the screen what did I see?
 Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

 I tried to catch the chips off-guard --
 I pressed again, but twice as hard.
 Luck was just not in the cards,
 I saw what I had seen before.
 Now I typed in desperation,
 Trying random combinations.
 Still there came the incantation -
 Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

 There I sat, distraught, exhausted,  by my own machine accosted;
 Getting up,  I turned away and paced across the office floor.
 And then I saw an awful sight,
 A bold and blinding flash of light,
 A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core.
 The PC screen collapsed an died,
 "Oh no -- my database", I cried.
 I thought I heard a voice reply,
 "You'll see your data-- Nevermore!"

 To this day I do not know
 The place to which our data goes
 Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored.
 But as for productivity - well,
 I fear it has gone straight to Hell.
 And that's the tale I have to tell -
 Your choice: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
 

Bump-n-Grind

Get off my lawn.
14,987
3,818
Chesapeake Bay/Vail
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that,  I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

 
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Trovão

Super Anarchist
a married couple was watching tv when there was an ad for a big lottery prize.

the wife says "if we won this kind of cash, i'd get a boob job, a face job, an ass job, a complete refurbishment".

"well" says the husband "if we won the big prize, i'd fix the rust in our old car and get new tires".

"don't be silly" says the wife "if we won the prize, we'd buy a brand-new car".

"exactly" replied the husband and those were his famous last words...

 

P_Wop

Super Anarchist
7,156
4,347
Bay Area, CA
An eye witness to the Notre Dame fire said he didn't know who started it, but he had a hunch.

 
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P_Wop

Super Anarchist
7,156
4,347
Bay Area, CA
I heard a new definition of the phrase "Motion Of No Confidence."

It's when in your normal morning session on the pot, you really cannot tell what exactly is going to happen.

 
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P_Wop

Super Anarchist
7,156
4,347
Bay Area, CA
And never waste a hard-on
Reminds me of the old classic.

An elderly Lord was being dressed by his valet one morning.  The valet noticed a significant exhibit of 'morning wood'. 

He asked, "My Lord, shall I pass word for her Ladyship?"  

"No, Jenkins.  Pass word for my chauffeur.  I think I shall smuggle this one into Town."

 

bacq2bacq

Anarchist
603
254
Ottawa
@P_Wop  Brain and sense of humour clearly intact!!!  Keep exercising!

There's often a billboard outside the Italian joint at the end of my street:    "This is a sign that you should eat pizza today."  

Why do Zen restaurants not need menus, waiters nor waitresses?  Because the order emerges all by itself.

What did the Buddhist monk say when he got to the counter of the Zen Pizzeria?  Make me one with everything.

 
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P_Wop

Super Anarchist
7,156
4,347
Bay Area, CA
I bought a new brand of stick deodorant.  The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom."

It hurts to walk, but my farts smell lovely.

(EDIT - sorry Warbird, I just saw you posted this one 2 years ago...  No problem.  Recycling is good, right?)

 
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