Joke

blabert

Member
165
0
canada
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them . . . CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives “for our own good”.

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

Yes, that is all true, and kids these days need to learn that, but one thing we didnt have back then though was SA and thats one thing that is hard to live with out, but other than that things were better back then with better children, not spoiled little brats you see these days !!! :p

 

Nodrog

Member
402
34
Auckland
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 4th December 2005

RE: Christmas Party

I am happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We will have small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And be not the least bit surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is for employees only! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 5th December 2005

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we are calling it our, 'Holiday Party'.. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not, 'Christians'. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

I hope all are happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline.

FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 6th December 2005

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you did not sign your name. I am happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you would not be anonymous anymore!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now, since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 7th December 2005

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I have arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gays, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the sodomites table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no: cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply, "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F****** Employees

DATE: 8 December 2005

RE: The ******** HolidayParty.

Vegetarian pricks I have had it with you people!!! We are going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the, "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, you will get your f######n salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when you slice them. I have heard them scream. I am hearing the scream right NOW!! I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive, and die.

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 9th December 2005

RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I am sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I will continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

 
Notes From Thoughtful Ron

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron ... Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie.

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health insurance that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the BR club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door .

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the backyard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly-squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a Saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, fellas, even if you use just a little more tact and a little less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well

worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,

Ron

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly Thursday 26 of May 2005. He was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II (golf club) rammed up his backside, with only 2 inches of grip showing .

His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.

 
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. So she decided to put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70'S),MUST NOT BEAT ME,MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day after her ad ran in the paper, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consid er you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs! The old man smiled. "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" She snorted. "You don't have any arms either!" Again the old man smiled, "I will never beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed???" The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said... "I rang the doorbell, didn't I ????

 

Philc

Super Anarchist
Oh AUSTRALIA...

OH, so true.

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN MALAYSIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AUSTRALIAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AUSTRALIA

Keep this circulating.

 

Sol Rosenberg

Girthy Member
90,516
9,045
Earth
The following is extremely offensive. Proceed at your own risk.

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Why say anything, you already told her twice!

 
An elderly man in Melbourne calls his son in Perth and says,

"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are

divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son demands.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this,

so you call your sister in Sydney and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Melbourne immediately, and tells her dad,

"You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there.

I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.

Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

Okay," he says, "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own fares

 
437
0
London
An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of

impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing Into the

kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself

already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted

Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy

man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,

landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he

could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth,

seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked....

with a spatula by his wife . . . . . . . .

"Feck Off!! ", she said, "They're for the funeral"

 
New Drugs

D A M N I T O L

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T

Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N

Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O

Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

M E N I C I L L I N

Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person . Can we get naked now?

 

yowie

Super Anarchist
2,062
0
bris-vegas
Bowgirl,

That was my ONLY line!!

Back to the LIGNO-CANE, wacks the crud out of anything male that may be approaching cellulose :ph34r:

 

Derek Grebe

Super Anarchist
6,127
109
Dubai, UAE
A biotechnologist created a transgenic apple.

He was amazed at the results of his research, he decided to anounce it to the whole world.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I came here to present you a wonder of biological sciences. This is a transgenic apple. It looks like an ordinary apple, but it is not. This is an apple that tastes of pussy."

The congressists and reporters were puzzled. The scientist asked one of them to come to the stage and bite his apple. The reporter bit it, and said:

"Holy fuck, it tastes like shit!"

To which the scientist replied:

"Turn it around, buddy."

 

Derek Grebe

Super Anarchist
6,127
109
Dubai, UAE
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very cranky, and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright.

So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may come out of this."

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Mike, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

 

hard aground

Super Anarchist
A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"

 

hard aground

Super Anarchist
Mr. Smith wanted to become a teacher in the worst way, but the only job he could find was as an instructor at an all female college teaching sex education. His wife was a very jealous woman so Mr. Smith decided he would tell his wife that he would be teaching sailing at this college so that she would not get angry. He was very happy and for months all was well. As fate would have it, one day in the grocery store check out lane, Mrs. Smith overheard a group of girls standing in line behind her talking about college and their instructor Mr. Smith. The girls went on and on about how great this Mr. Smith was at teaching their class. The cashier handed Mrs. Smith her change and said, "Have a great day Mrs. Smith, and thank you, again." One of the girls in line heard the cashier, and asked Mrs. Smith if she was related to the Mr. Smith that was teaching at the college. Mrs. Smith replied, "Yes, he is my husband." Well that set off a torrent of accolades about how knowledgeable Mr. Smith was about the subject matter he was teaching, about how he got the whole class to discuss their fears about learning the subject. Well Mrs. Smith was taken back by what she heard from these girls and replied, "I don't know how you find him to be so gifted at teaching you this course. You know he only tried it twice in his life. The first time he tried it, he got sick, and the second time, his hat blew off and he just quit."

 

hard aground

Super Anarchist
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

 

Nodrog

Member
402
34
Auckland
International Rules of Manhood.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the

footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only it

is permissible.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

-When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

-The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

-After wrecking your boss' car.

-One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

-When she is using her teeth.

Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and

eaten by his mates.

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of

jail within 12 hours.

If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits

forever, unless you actually marry her.

Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.

However Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.

In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the

weakest.

When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask

the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to

climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of

flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're

sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless

supermodel...and it's free.

Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to

kick another bloke in the nuts.

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies

until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or

LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,

but not both that's just greedy.

If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about

his choice of beer.

Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except

if she's withholding s*x pending your response.

Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

-Yeah, Baby, Push it!

-C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

-Another set and we can hit the showers!

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:

i.e.Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations,

an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than

you are able to have s*x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang

up if necessary.

The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have

carnal drunken monkey s*x, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty

is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion

about what a big mistake it was occurs.

It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her

to drive yours.

Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,

orange or sky blue.

The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"

with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of

story.

There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.

Ever.

 
Top