Joke

[Derek Grebe]

An intelligent man, an intelligent woman and Father Christmas cross the road.

Who gets run over?

The intelligent man.

The other two are fictional characters

 

[Bowgirl]

How could I not think of this place when I saw this ?! :huh:

 

[President Eisenhowler]

Do you know how to keep a moron occupied? It's hysterically funny! Click here.

 

[chuso007]

B) --><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Jeff B @ Dec 27 2005, 05:25 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->

Three college students... an American, an Italian, and a Puerto Rican"

What country are Puerto Ricans from, asshole?

Puerto Rico?

Is America a country?

 

[junior_ratt]

B) --><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Jeff B @ Dec 27 2005, 05:25 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->

Three college students... an American, an Italian, and a Puerto Rican"

What country are Puerto Ricans from, asshole?

Puerto Rico?

Is America a country?

no, America is a (group of) land mass(es) from Ellesmere Island to Cape Horn between the atlantic and pacific oceans.

The United States of America is a country.

 

[chuso007]

B) --><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Jeff B @ Dec 27 2005, 05:25 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->

Three college students... an American, an Italian, and a Puerto Rican"

What country are Puerto Ricans from, asshole?

Puerto Rico?

Is America a country?

no, America is a (group of) land mass(es) from Ellesmere Island to Cape Horn between the atlantic and pacific oceans.

The United States of America is a country.

That's what I thought...

That, and that President Eisenhowler is an asshole too.

 

[GRUMPY]

A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile,"So ... you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned and admitted, "No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love making resumed.

This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion.

The lovemaking ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No! I Norwegian."

 

[GRUMPY]

A fine job!

 

[GRUMPY]

A man was up before the beak for murdering his pretty, young wife.

Judge: "You stand accused of killing your wife. What do you have to say in your defence?"

Man: "Well your Honour, I came home early and found my wife stark bollock naked in bed with my best friend; so I shot the dirty slut. That's all I have to say."

Judge: "I see nothing in the transcript that mentions what happened to your best friend, would you please tell the court what happened to him?"

Man: " Well your Honour, I pointed my finger at him and said: Bad dog, bad dog!"

 

[GRUMPY]

what men would do if they had a vagina for a day

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot

what women would do if they had a penis for a day

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

 

[GRUMPY]

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00.

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.

 

[GRUMPY]

A guy was driving down the road in his car. A prostitute walks out in

front of him. He smacks her with the bumper of his car and knocks her

down. He immediately stops the car, jumps out and runs to the lady

lying on her back on the road. She is groaning in pain. She mumbles,

"I think I'm blind, I think I'm blind."

Quickly the guy holds three of his fingers up in front of her and

says, "How many fingers do I have up?"

"Oh my God," she says. "I'm not paralyzed too, am I?"

 

[Leaf Movement]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well- to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a BMW."

Two Blonde women were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a sh*t."

The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and sh*t."

The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"

The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea- I'll use that!"

She left and came back with sh*t all over her hands and clothes.

Her friend looked at her and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"

The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"

 

[Leaf Movement]

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. they get along so well that they decide

to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his

hands.

He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "you must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says, "yes, how did you figure that out?"

"easy", she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another, and they make love. After they are done, the

girl says, "you must be a good dentist."

the guy, now with a boosted ego, says, "sure, i am a good dentist. How

did you figure that out?

The girl replies...

"didn't feel a thing."

 

[Leaf Movement]

In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape deal, here are the next bombshell mergers, investors should expect:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become, Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become, Polly Warner Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become, Zip Audi Do Da.

Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing Reproductive Organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild

Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become, Knott NOW.

 

[GRUMPY]

A seventy-five-year old year old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the seventy-five-year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as he had received it on the previous day.

"Where's the sample?" said the Doctor.

"Well, doctor, it's like this," the man explained. "First I tried with my right hand, but that didn't work. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still no joy. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing."

"I see.." said the Doctor dubiously. "Then what did you do?"

"Well, I asked my sixteen year old neice to lend a hand, but she failed too, even when she took it between her legs and squeezed it really hard."

"Her legs!" exclained the doctor, appalled.

"So I went next door to Eileen, and she tried too, first with both hands, then both armpits in turn and she even tried rolling it between her knees, but still nothing.

"You asked your neighbour?" cried the shocked doctor.

"The old man replied, "Yes, but no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the fucking jar open!"

 

[Bowgirl]

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking "Surely I can't look that old"? Well, you'll love this one!

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?!

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate … hmmmmm … or was he?

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

"Yes, yes, I did. I'm a Mustang!" he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

"In 1959," he answered, "Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

Whereupon he looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled bastard asked, "What did you teach?"

 

[Leaf Movement]

FEAR NOT!

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started

screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in

a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was

empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew

without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate

enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do".

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't" said the man.

"Don't you realise I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope" said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

 

[Filthy]

A Posh Hotel holds 3 weddings on the same day and at the end of the night, the 3 grooms meet up at the bar to discuss the days events over a couple of Beers. One questions the other two, "listen, it's our wedding night and I was wondering - how many times are we expected to...um...you know.... DO IT ???

Eventually, they all decide to retire to their respective wives and see how the night goes, with the idea to meet up the following morning over breakfast to discuss what went on. Suddenly one of the grooms pipes up, "Hold on lads, we can't discuss our first nights marital goings on over the breakfast table with our new wives sat with us. "No you're right" . What we'll do then, is for every piece of toast we order with our breakfast, that'll be the amount times we did it", offers another groom. They all decide it's an excellent idea and depart.

The next day in the hotel dining room, the grooms are all looking a bit dishevelled, but that's nothing compared to the brides, who can barely stagger across the room to their tables. The waitress comes up to the first groom to take his order, "Hello, I'll have the full English breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please". The other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in a toast to his fantastic prowess.

The waitress moves to the second couple, and the groom orders, "I too shall have the full English breakfast but could I have FOUR pieces of toast"

The waitress gets to the last groom. "I shall also have the full English breakfast please, yet I shall have..." he takes a deep breath "SEVEN, yes SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST" he calls for everyone's benefit.

Whilst giving a big cheesy grin to his two wedding mates, who stare at him in disbelief at the thought how raw his poor schlong must be. Seven pieces of toast sir?" queries the waitress. Why, that's an awful lot" "Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it is." She writes down his order and turns away, but before she can leave, the groom calls after her again...

"And by the way love, can you make two of those Brown ?"

 

[SCARECROW]

Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?

He lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.