Joke

blabert

Member
165
0
canada
A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, “Can I help you, sir?”

“Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!” the man replies.

The cop asks, “Where was your car the last time you saw it?”

“It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!” the man replies. About this time the cop looks down to see that the man’s diddle is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”

The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans “Ohhh, God...they got my girlfriend too!”

 
Year: 1981

1. Prince Charles got married

2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe

3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.

4. Pope Died

Year: 2005

1. Prince Charles got married

2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe

3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament

4. Pope Died

In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry ... please warn

the Pope!!

 
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A Blonde's Year in Review

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructio ns....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!!

 
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Arch-Angel found him

on the seventh day, resting. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly

pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made." said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said “What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land mass and said "What's that one?"

Ah ," said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills.

The people from New Zealand are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? you said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely

"Wait until you see the wankers I'm putting next to them. I call them Australians!!!"

 
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you that guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job!

5. Excuse me...is stick up hyphenated?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop

7. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead

8. Bad cop! No donut!

9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

10. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on COPS?

12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.

13. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?

14. I pay your salary!

15. So, uh, you on the take, or what?

16. Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too!

17. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

18. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around - that's how far ahead of me they are.

19. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

20. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

21. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum.

22. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

 
G

Gilligan

Guest
Are riddles allowed?

Bush has a short one. Schwarzenegger has a long one.

The Pope never uses his. And Madonna doesn't have one.

What is it?

 
An old Maori man lived alone at his family home in Ruatoria. He wanted to dig his kumara garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Hone, who used to help him, was in Paremoremo prison.

The man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Kia ora e Hone,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my kumara garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Aroha nui Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

E Pa,

For God's sake!, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES.

Love Hone

At 4am the next morning, Gisborne C.I.B and the local police showed up with a search warrant and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.  They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the man received another letter from his son.

E Pa

Go ahead and plant the Kumara. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love Hone

 

blabert

Member
165
0
canada
EVENING CLASSES FOR WOMEN!!! OPEN TO WOMEN ONLY! .

>

> Women think they already know everything, but

> wait ... training courses are now available for women

> on the following subjects:

>

> 1.. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman

> Has Gone Before.

>

> 2.. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making

> Deposits.

>

> 3.. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.

>

> 4.. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can

> Wait Till After the Game.

>

> 5.. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the

> Bathroom Cabinet Too.

>

> 6.. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His.

>

> 7.. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last

> Resort, not the First.

>

> 8.. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before

> Speaking.

>

> 9.. Communication Skills III: Getting What you

> Want Without Nagging.

>

> 10.. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN

> Acquire.

>

> 11.. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.

>

> 12.. Introduction to Parking.

>

> 13.. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space.

>

> 14.. Water Retention: Fact or Fat.

>

> 15.. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and

> Butter.

>

> 16.. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human

> Consumption.

>

> 17.. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets

> on Other People.

>

> 18.. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.

>

> 19.. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His.

>

> 20.. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.

>

> 21.. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already

> Have.

>

> 22.. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural

> Occurrence Only Women Notice.

>

> 23.. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All

> Together.

>

> 24.. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both.

>

> 25.. TV Remotes: For Men Only.

Joe goes to the Super Bowl. His seat is in the nosebleed section, but at least he's at the Super Bowl.

He starts looking around the stadium with his binoculars and sees a guy about 5 rows off the field on the 50 yard line with an empty seat beside him. This is driving Joe nuts, so at half time, he goes down and asks the guy why he has a vacant seat in such a choice location.

The guy says, "My wife and I bought these seats a long time ago. But unfortunately, she passed away."

"Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that", Joe says, "But why didn't you give the ticket to another relative or a friend?"

The guy replies: "They're all at the funeral."

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?

A: Made her chain to long.

Two men are talking in the bar sharing their sob stories.

One man says, "I had the worst Freudian Slip the other day."

The other man responds, "What is a Freudian Slip?"

"You know, it's when you mean to say one thing, but you say something else that reveals what you are really thinking about. Like the other day I was at the airport and this really beautiful lady was helping me. Instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh', I asked her for 'to Pickets to Tittsburgh."

he second replies, "Oh, now I know what you are talking about. It's like the other day when I was having breakfast with my wife. I wanted her to pass me the Orange Juice, and instead I said, "YOU RUINED MY LIFE!"

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the lower bunk, the man on the top.

In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The woman leans out and says in a sexy voice, "I've got a better idea...let's pretend we're married"

"Why not", says the eager man.

"Good",she replies, "Get your own blanket!"

 
A man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He then put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, “I'm having an affair with my secretary. We were together all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

 
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee together, discussing how important their children were.

The first one told her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirpped, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman said smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room people say, 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sipped her coffee in silence. The first three women gave her this subtle "Well...?"

So she replied, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied, well hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."

 
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.

"Yes," she says, I remember it well.

"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake.

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes!

She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.

This is the most athletic sex imaginable.

Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.

As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 




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