Joke

Black Sox

Super Anarchist
3,113
1,168
Dublin, Ireland
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the lower bunk, the man on the top.
In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The woman leans out and says in a sexy voice, "I've got a better idea...let's pretend we're married"

"Why not", says the eager man.

"Good",she replies, "Get your own blanket!"
Whereupon he farted and rolled over to start snoring.

 

Terrorvision

Super Anarchist
4,315
100
A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist:

Hello, could you give me a condom. My girlfriend has invited

me for dinner and I think she is expecting something from me!"

The pharmacist gives him the condom; and as the young man is

going out, he returns and tells him: "Give me another condom

because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always

crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I

think she expects something from me too." The pharmacist gives

him a second condom; and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says

"After all, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's

mom is still pretty cute, and when she sees me she always makes

allusions...and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is

expecting something from me!!"

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on

his left, the sister on his right and the mom facing him.

When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts

praying:

"Dear Lord, bless this dinner... thank you for all you give us...!!!"

A minute later the boy is still praying:

"Thank you Lord for your kindness..."Ten minutes go on and

the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others

look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more than

the others.

She gets close to the boy and whispers in his ear:

"I didn't know you were so religious!!!"

The boy replies :"I didn't

know your dad was a pharmacist!!!"

 

Derek Grebe

Super Anarchist
6,127
111
Dubai, UAE
A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg.

His friend says, "My feet are cold mate.

Can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs please."

The guy goes upstairs, and there are his mate's gorgeous twin 18

year old daughters.

"Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you."

The first daughter says, "That's not true."

He says, "I'll prove it."

He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"

His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them."

 
Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to

Pittsburgh.

Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman

wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. She made the three priests very

nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three

pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three

tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes."

Mortified, he too fled.

"Morons," the third priest mutters and moves to the window. Young lady,

I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in

nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you

get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."

They took the bus.

 

spankoka

Super Anarchist
A young woman died and went to heaven. Saint Peter was showing her around when she heard screaming from behind a door. She asked Peter, "why is someone screaming in heaven?". Peter replied, "well, you see you have to have your halo and wings attached so I'm afraid we are going to bore some holes in you." She said. "you know Peter maybe I'd rather go to hell". Peter said, "a pretty young thing like you would be raped mercilessly in hell". She says-"I've already got the holes for that".

 
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After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed for the frive through ATM.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

***********************************************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up, pull forward, back up and so forth and repeat as many times as required to align car window with the ATM machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate bank card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way with magnetic strip pointing the way the little picture indicates.

10. Dig through handbag and examine each receipt to see if PIN# is written there. Finally, search through phone book to find your PIN written on the inside of the back page.

11. Enter PIN into ATM machine.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

 
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JabberLarney

Member
131
0
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, AZ. He sits

at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded

staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks

the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler

and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead"

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over

to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets

nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into

the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

 

JabberLarney

Member
131
0
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"

 

spankoka

Super Anarchist
Four former classmates met up again for the first time in years at a reunion. The converstion turned to their offspring and the first guy said, "My son just made partner at his law firm and he's doing really well. He's seeing a real pretty girl. Just last week he went out and bought her a mink coat."

The second guy says, "My son's dental practise is thriving. He just got engaged to a lovely young lady".

The third guy says, "My son is a stockbroker. The market is up so he went out and bought his lady friend a BMW just on the spur of the moment".

The last guys says kind of sheepishly, "I can't say I'm proud of my son. I don't know what I did wrong. You see he's gay, and to make it worse he's a transvestite too. He makes his living dancing in bars. But, it's not so bad because some of the customers in these joints are good to him. They somtimes buy him presents or take him out to dinner. Just last week he got a coat, a ring and a really nice car".

 
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Willsail4food

Anarchist
799
1
Chicago
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel" the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

 

Willsail4food

Anarchist
799
1
Chicago
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest cock he had ever seen! I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz, the mortician commented, I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive cock. It must be saved for posterity. So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. I have something to show you that you won't believe, he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. My God! the wife exclaimed, Schwartz is dead!

 
Three rednecks, Sam, Bubba and Jed, were working on the BellSouth tower. Sam falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bubba says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Bubba says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Sam's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable! You told the lady her husband was dead, and she gave you beer?"

"Well, not exactly," Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Sam's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

 
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One!!! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They'd sit there in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out!! And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 13 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find the bulbs 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DAMNED HOUSE!

 

Junkyard Dog

Super Anarchist
2,880
14
N/A
Rejected titles for Brokeback Mountain:

HIGH NOONER

JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON

TRUE, HE GRITS

THE PLEASURE OF THE SIERRA, PADRE

THE MAN WHO SHOT ALL OVER LIBERTY VALANCE

HOW THE WEST WAS HUNG

THE WILD BRUNCH

HE WORE A YELLOW RIBBON

THE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGER

DOC'S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KID

VERY RAW HIDE

LONESOME DOUG

THE HOARSE SOLDIERS

DESTRY RIDES AGAIN... AND AGAIN

MCCABE AND MR. MILLER

A FISTFUL OF NED

HI, PLAINS DRIFTER!

QUICKLY DOWN UNDER

BAREBACK MOUNTING

BONE-NANZA

HOMO ON THE RANGER

OKLAHOMO

LITTLE BATHHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE

PRANCES WITH WOLVES

BUTT F**K MOUNTAIN

 
The Boss was in a quandary. He had to fire somebody.

 

He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Katie or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers.

 

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Katie came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went straight to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The Boss approached her and said: "Katie, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I really feel like shit this morning."

 
S

staff-a-car

Guest
What's better than winning gold at the special olympics?

Not being retarded.

 
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Eventually

Super Anarchist
: FW: FRYPAN

A young man called Frobisher invited his mother for dinner, during the

course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome

Frobisher's flatmate, Cecil, was. She had long been suspicious of a

relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she

started to wonder if there was more between Frobisher and his flatmate than met

the eye.

Reading his mums thoughts, Frobisher volunteered, "I know what you must be

thinking, but I assure you, Cecil & I are just flatmates". About a week later, Cecil came to Frobisher saying, "Ever since your mother came

to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she

took it do you?" "Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure" said

Frobisher. So he sat down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THEFACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER. LOVE FROBISHER

Several days later, Frobisher received an email from his mother which read:

DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH CECIL, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH CECIL, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT

IFHE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY

NOW.

LOVE MUM

Lesson of the day:-

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER(SHE ALWAYS, ALWAYS FINDS OUT)

 
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten"

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back, so lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain the torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian."

 
No. 9 - Life is sexually transmitted.

No. 8 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

No. 7 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

No. 6 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

No. 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

No. 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

No. 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred bucks and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

No. 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE No. 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY - We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in the UK but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

 
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely

have to stay here, so I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who

weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I'll even let you decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water.

He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks.

All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

"No!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was

break rocks all day." commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms

staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,

doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,

"Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said "Ok, Monica, you're free to go

 

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