Joke

[Larry]

Three friends attend wake of business associate.

Irishman places $20 bill in the casket.

Italian guy does the same, drops $20 bill into the casket.

Jewish guy throws in a check for $60 and removes the two twenties!

 

[Two Cold Dogs]

American scientists decide they have to study the minds and thinkings of several nationalities of man. The build a 10' x 10' x 10' stainless steel room and in the room place two perfectly round 6" stainless steel diameter balls. They then recruit several men to see how they react to isolation within the room.

The first test subject is a devout Buddhist. He is placed in the room and the scientists begin to observe his reactions. After the first day he has done nothing but stare at the two balls. The next day is the same. On the third day they look into the room to see the one of the balls balanced perfectly on the other, the Buddhist is in the lotus position with his fingertips together, meditating. The scientists duly note the reaction and congratualate themselves.

Next, the scientists place an Englishman in the room. For the first day they observe him studying the balls and the corners of the room. The next day is the same. The third day they look in and see the Englishman playing a solitary game of snooker. The scientists duly note the reaction and congratualate themselves.

Next, the scientists place a BN in the room. They come back five minutes later to see him scratching his head, one ball is missing and the other is broken.

 

[lumpywater]

How many Republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, let the poor fuckers do it.

How many democrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

30. 1 to actually screw in the lightbulb while the 29 others are representing every minority group that may be affected by the lightbulb's change.

Two Aliens land on a desert highway in the middle of nowhere. They approach an old abandoned gas station in order to make contact with the humans. Confusing an old gas pump with a human being, Alien number one approaches it and says "Take me to your leader."

Alien two says to Alien one, "Dude, I don't know about this"

Angry that the gas pump is not responding to his questioning, Alien one says again, "take me to your leader, or im going zap you with my ray gun!"

Alien two, becoming more and more scared says: "I don't think it is a good idea to question this human, and I really think we should leave!"

At this point, Alien one is so anrgy that the gas pump is not responding, he pulls out his ray gun, asks once again "last chance, take me to your leader!" The pump does not respond, so he shoots it, despite two's warning against further questioning of the human.

The force of the explosion causes the two Aliens to be blown half way across the desert. When they regain consciousness, Alien one goes "man, all I did was question him and when the insolent human did not respond, I shot him and he exploded...that has never happened before!"

Alien two says "listen, I told you it was a bad idea to fuck with a guy who can wrap his dick around his arm 5 times and stick it in his ear"

And one last one for Jeff B

What do Fighter Pilots use for Birth Control?

Their Personalities.

 

[duncan]

a paddy, welshman, & a scot are all applying for the queens bodyguard

the paddy comes into the directors office & the director hands him a 38 special- says yr wife is in the next room, take this gun & shoot her.

the paddy looks at the gun & then the director- says sorry, but i love her too much

the welshman comes in- same speech- goes into the next room, comes back * says im just not a killer

the scotsman comes in, takes the gun, say 'right' * goes into the next room. quickly, you hear six shots, bang bang bang bang bang bang- then the sounds of furniture being shoved around

he comes back to the director's office, puts the smoking gun back down * says 'there were blanks in teh gun, i had to strangle the bitch'

 

[moxie]

What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?

We DO taste like chicken.

 

[Larry]

Catching The Drunks

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and drove off, only at the speed limit. The police officer followed him about about three blocks, then pulled pulled him over, read him his rights, and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. He asked if the man was the designated driver. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

 

[minibiter]

a termite walks into a bar and says is the bartender here?

how do you kill a blonde?

-- scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool

-- spikes on her shoulder pads (swinging head from side to side - 'I dont know!')

brunette blows into a blondes ear - blonde says - thanks for the refill!

 

[boguing]

A blonde boarded a BA flight from Heathrow to New York and shortly after take off walked into first class and sat down in a spare seat. A stewardess asked for her boarding pass, and on seeing that it's economy asks her to return to her own seat.

The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm flying first class to New York" Not wanting to cause a scene, the stewardess backed off and reported to the cabin crew director.

So he approaches the woman and also asks her to return to her seat. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm flying first class to New York". Once again, not wishing to cause trouble, he retreats and reports to the Captain. "No problem" says he, "My wife's blonde"

The Captain hands control over to his co-pilot and walks back to the blonde, bends down and whispers into her ear. She immediately gets up and goes back to her seat.

The cabin crew are impressed and asked how he had done it.

"I told her that First Class doesn't go to New York"

 

[GRUMPY]

Why don't women have any brains??

Cause they haven't got a dick to keep 'em in.

 

[GreenBowman]

will probably go to hell for this one,

>what was jesus last words on the cross?

>none of ye bastards eat my easter egg I'll be back on sunday

 

[Harry Pattison]

Subject: Bud Abbot and Lou Costello in the 21st Century

ABBOT: Super Duper Computer Store... Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking

about buying a computer.

ABBOT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou

ABBOT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou

ABBOT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOT: Do you want a computer with windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOT: Software for windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write

proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOT: Yes

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOT: I recommend office with windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, let's just

say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOT: word.

COSTELLO: what word?

ABBOT: word in office.

COSTELLO: the only word in office is office.

ABBOT: the word in office for windows.

COSTELLO: which word in office for windows?

ABBOT: the ! word you get when you click the blue w

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't start with some

straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOT: yes, you want real one.

COSTELLO: maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of

your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOT: real one.

COSTELLO: if it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. Can I

watch them?

ABBOT: of course.

COSTELLO: great, with what?

ABBOT: real one.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I

do?

ABBOT: you click the blue 1

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOT: the blue 1.

COSTELLO: is that different from the blue w?

ABBOT: the blue 1 is Realone and the blue w is word.

COSTELLO: what word?

ABBOT: the word in office for windows.

COSTELLO: but there's three words in office for windows!

ABBOT: no, just one. but it's the most popular word in the world

COSTELLO: it is?

ABBOT: yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other words left. It

pretty much wiped out all the other words out there.

COSTELLO: and that word is real one?

ABBOT: real one has nothing to do with word. Real one isn't even part

of office.

COSTELLO: stop! Don't start that again. What about financial

bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOT: money.

COSTELLO: that's right. What do you have?

ABBOT: money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOT: it comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: what's bundled to my computer?

ABBOT: money

COSTELLO: money comes with my computer?

ABBOT: yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOT: one copy

COSTELLO: isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

COSTELLO: they can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOT: why not, they own it.

 

[Coiler]

That's bloody funny, Harry. Where'd you find that?!

 

[Harry Pattison]

Someone in my family passed it along. One of the best laughs I've had in awhile.

 

[GRUMPY]

A teacher asks her class to use the word contagious, James the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got measles and my mom said it was contagious"

"Well done James" says the teacher "anyone else?" Katie jumps up and says,"My Grandma says there's a bug about and it's contagious"

"Well done Katie, anymore?"

Little Irish Shawn leaps to his feet and says in his irish accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2" brush and my Dad says it'll take the contagious"

 

[Kevlar Edge]

Q: Whats a reverse exorcism

A: when you pray to the devil to get the priest out of your son.

 

[Warthog]

Elton John & Michael Jackson doing a remake of the" '70's" classic....

" Don't let your son go down on me"........

 

[GRUMPY]

nicked from eldewhere

Jesus

>

>

> An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar there

> was only one other Person in the bar; a man. The three men kept looking at

> this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared,

wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried

> out, "My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!"

>

> The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting

> alone at a table.

>

> The Irishman call out, "Hey! you!!! Are you Jesus?" The man looks over at

> him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says.

>

> The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to

> give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." So the bartender pours

> Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table Jesus looks over, raises

> his glass, smiles thank you and drinks. The Englishman then calls out,

> "Errr, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says,

> "Yes, I am Jesus." The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to

> send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender

> duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

>

> Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or

> what?" Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Australian is mighty

> impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of Victoria Bitter for

> Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure. Some time later, after finishing

> the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches

> for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

> When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. "Oh God, the

> arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years is gone.

> It's a miracle!"

>

> Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the

> Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in

> shock. "By jove", he exclaims, "The migraine I've had for over 40 years is

> completely gone. It's a Miracle!"

>

> Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his

> face. The Aussie whispers ... "F*** off mate, I'm on Workers Comp"

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[daduck]

Father Brown is teaching Sunday School and asks the class if they know what happened on Easter. Little Susie raises her hand and says "Easter is when Santa Clause comes down the chimney and brings us toys". "Well no, you're close, but that's at Chrismas" says Fr. Brown. "Anyone else?" Little Timmy pops out with "It's when we dress in costumes and go door to door and get candy." "Nope, that's Halloween, little Timmy." Father Brown is beginning to get concerned when little Johnny raises his hand. "Yes, little Johnny, can YOU tell us what happened at Easter?" Little Johnny begins "They put Jesus on the cross...and um...he died...so they took him down and put him in the tomb..." At this point Fr. Brown is getting very encouraged, "Yes, little Johnny, what happened next?" "Well" says little Johnny, "Well, they put him in the tomb...and...um...on the third day...on the third day, he comes out of the tomb and...if he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter!"

 

[JOD]

One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

So she asked him, "What should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

 

[BobM]

Father Brown is teaching Sunday School and asks the class if they know what happened on Easter. Little Susie raises her hand and says "Easter is when Santa Clause comes down the chimney and brings us toys". "Well no, you're close, but that's at Chrismas" says Fr. Brown. "Anyone else?" Little Timmy pops out with "It's when we dress in costumes and go door to door and get candy." "Nope, that's Halloween, little Timmy." Father Brown is beginning to get concerned when little Johnny raises his hand. "Yes, little Johnny, can YOU tell us what happened at Easter?" Little Johnny begins "They put Jesus on the cross...and um...he died...so they took him down and put him in the tomb..." At this point Fr. Brown is getting very encouraged, "Yes, little Johnny, what happened next?" "Well" says little Johnny, "Well, they put him in the tomb...and...um...on the third day...on the third day, he comes out of the tomb and...if he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter!"

Just a point of information. This is an old joke that could not get past the censorship imposed on the Smother Brothers show in the late 60's or early 70's.