Joke

Greg B

Member
131
0
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,

but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad

in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she

decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him

around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and

knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have

done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go

into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no

hired hand. He returned around two thirty, and upon entering the

room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a

glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them

neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly

watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was

told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he

slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into

town again, you're fired!"

 

FearBiter

Anarchist
907
0
Sydney, AUS
Less than a month from now will be the anniversary of Albert Einstein's

birthday. He was born March 14, 1879. Few remember that the Nobel Prize

winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage

dissolved in 1919.

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He

postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the

attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.

It was called Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty

(groan)

 
481
0
Famous South African character Van der Merwe makes the Olympic wrestling team. As he prepares for the gold medal match against the Russian favourite, his coach warns him: "The only thing you have to avoid, Van, is getting caught in his 'pretzel' grip. If he gets you in that you are fucked; no-one has ever escaped."

Van battles his heart out and is just ahead on points going into the last period. Suddenly - bang, the Russian gets him in the pretzel grip and the crowd knows it's all over. The referee is counting down the final seconds when, with a tremedous bellow, Van explodes out of the pretzel grip, slams the Russian to the mat and wins the match. The crowd goes beserk.

At the press interview, Van is quizzed on how he managed to escape the pretzel grip that no-one had ever gotten out of before. "Well," he explained, "my head was bursting and I couldn't breath. Just as I was about to pass out I saw this big, hairy pair of balls dangling in front of my face. In desperation, I bit into them as hard as I could, and, Jesus, you have no idea the strength a man gets when he bites his own balls."

 

chrisba

Member
412
0
S. England
A bear, a lion and a chicken were sitting in the pub,

downing a few beers and shooting the breeze.

They were bragging how tough they were.

The bear said,

"When I roar in the forest, the whole forest shakes in fear!"

"That's nothing," said the lion,

"When I roar in the jungle, the whole jungle shakes in fear!"

The chicken just laughed and said,

"Well I just have to sneeze and the whole world sh*ts itself!"

 
Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and

clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Kenny

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting

"Kenny, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed!

 

5359

Super Anarchist
1,272
0
Men strike back! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

----------------------------------------------

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows

them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

----------------------------------------------

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

----------------------------------------------

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to

build up the required pressure.

--------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

----------------------------------------------

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

----------------------------------------------

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

----------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes

a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

----------------------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

----------------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men until they can

walk down the street with a bald head and a beer

gut, and still think they are sexy.

----------------------------------------------

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

---------------------------------------------

 

Serge A. Storms

Anarchist
741
69
RI, USA
The Cardiologist's Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart

covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following

the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart

then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all

eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own

funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

 

Serge A. Storms

Anarchist
741
69
RI, USA
One prayer each for the ladies and gentlemen...

FEMALE PRAYER:

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who'ss not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.

Amen.

MALE PRAYER:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge tits

Who owns a liquor store and a boat.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit

Amen.

 
Last edited by a moderator:

29ersailor

Member
213
0
Winter-peg
A blonde and a brunette were walking down opposite sides of a railroad track

As they walked the blonde was saying to herself "41, 41, 41, 41 etc..." under her breath

Not knowing what she was saying the brunette slowly moved closer to the blonde, until she was right in the middle of the train tracks

as the blonde kept "counting" a train came along the tracks and hit the brunette, killing her instantly

The Blonde merely kept walking, while counting to herself "42, 42, 42, 42"

 
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt...so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ....so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts. So I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... " … And here I am!”

 

bunabaroo

Super Anarchist
1,006
0
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man

answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,"

said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some

good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found

your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good

news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up she had twelve 25-lb king

crabs and six good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great

news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow!"

 

hard aground

Super Anarchist
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish .But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box."

 

hard aground

Super Anarchist
A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

 
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “ Eat me” .

12) The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry,.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

 

elle

Super Anarchist
and that reminds me of this, which is not really a joke, but funny even so.

Can you imagine yourself sitting at your desk grading these papers

all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain your composure?

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE

BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS!

IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST FOR KIDS. THEY

WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS.

THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN.

THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED.

INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF

CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN

OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE

DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD

TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL

LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED

BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES

WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9 THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE

HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON

TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE

FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA

CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND

JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS

BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET

THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY

WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

 

Eventually

Super Anarchist
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the

Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

*******************************************************

"I've Lost Me Luggage"

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

*****************************************************

"Water to Wine"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

***********************************************

"The Brothel"

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."

Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.

*************************************

Irish Cemetery

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,

"Miles, from Dublin."

***************************************************

Irish Predicament

Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

***************************************************

Irish Last Request

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'

*************************************************

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

 

Tax Man

Super Anarchist
1,916
290
Toronto
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking

like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm

is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut

and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He

couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended

yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's

breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

 
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