Joke

sshow bob

Super Anarchist
2,362
301
Maine
What are Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.

#2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her

the Government.

#3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People

#4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

#5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

"Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."

So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to

Check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So, the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother

Sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he looks in the peephole and finds his father

In bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I

Understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think

Politics is all about. The little boy replies, "The President is

Screwing

The Working Class

While the Government is sound asleep, The People are being ignored and

The

Future is in deep shit."

 
he Black Panties

Anna had lost her husband almost 4 yrs ago. Her daughter was

constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another, and

after dating for a couple of weeks, he asked her to join him for a

weekend in Wisconsin.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood

nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties, he was in his birthday

suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same she stood there wearing the

black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him & asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

 
One day Fred and Pete are out duck hunting with Fred's new dog "Riley". Fred tells his buddy that Riley is the most amazing dog he has ever seen when it comes to hunting ducks.

"How so?" asks Pete.

"Well, I look at Riley and I say "Riley, go get 'em" and he hauls off into the marsh, then comes back and tells me how many ducks are out there by the number of times that he barks at me."

"Bullshit!"

"Okay, watch!" Fred tells Riley to "go get 'em" and about 10 minutes latter, Riley comes back and barks 6 times. Just about that time 6 ducks fly out from the marsh.

Fred tells Riley to "go get 'em" again and he comes back a while later and barks 4 times. 4 Ducks fly out from the marsh.

Pete says – "Holy shit! This dog is unbelievable. Can I buy him from you, name your price!"

"I don’t know Pete, I kinda like the dog, I don't think I can sell him."

"How 'bout $5,000?"

"SOLD!"

A few weeks go by and Fred runs into Pete down at the local feed store.

"How's my dog been treatin’ you?" says Fred.

"Aw, I had to shoot that damn dog 2 days ago."

"WHAT! Why did you shoot the dog?"

"Well, I took him out last weekend to the marsh for duck hunting and sent him off to the marsh just like you would and he was gone for almost an hour. He came back a runnin' as fast as he could out of the marsh with a stick in his mouth, went up to my leg and started humpin' me like I was the prom queen or somethin' and shakin' that stick all about. I thought he had rabbies or somethin', so I shot him."

"You dumb ass, he was tryin' to tell you that there were more fucking ducks than you can shake a stick at!"

 

Derek Grebe

Super Anarchist
6,127
111
Dubai, UAE
The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the

entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was

taken by a well dressed,middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat ?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in

particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using

that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat

left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down ? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the

little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour ! Put

this American in his place !"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you

Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on

the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have

thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

 

Derek Grebe

Super Anarchist
6,127
111
Dubai, UAE
Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the Morgue needed someone to identify the body.

His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said

"Yep,he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it aint Paddy".

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean In to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over.

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No,it ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What............., he had two arseholes???" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"

 

Derek Grebe

Super Anarchist
6,127
111
Dubai, UAE
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four".

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts disbelievingly "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Englishman replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

 

Mid

Blues Rule
Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door

 
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

Then I caught her spending R65.00 on make-up.

And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.

 

suider

Super Anarchist
Gilligan said:
An optimist says the glass is half full.A pessimist says the glass is half empty.

An engineer says the glass is twice as big as it has to be.
ok, gilligan... i'll raise ya one...

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

 

Mid

Blues Rule
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost. Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.

 

Kevin

Super Anarchist
1,657
0
Canadia!
A florist goes into the barber shop and gets a haircut. When the barber finished, the florist asked "how much for the hair cut". The barber said it was free because he is doing community service that week. The florist is happy and leaves.

The next morning, the barber goes to open up and finds a thank you note and a dozen roses on the door step. Later that day, a police man comes in for a hair cut. When the barber finished, the police man asked how much and again, the barber said it was free because he was doing community service that week. The police man is happy and leaves.

The next morning, the barber goes to open up and finds a thank you note with a dozen doughnuts on the door step. Later that day, a power boater comes in for a hair cut. When the barber finished the powerboater asked how much and again, the barber says it's free because he is doing community service that week. The powerboater is happy and leaves.

The next morning, the barber goes to open up and finds a thank you note with a dozen books with titles such as "how to improve your business", "becoming more successful" and managing your wealth".

Later that day, a sailboater comes in for a hair cut. When the barber finished, the sailboater asked how much and again, the barber said it was free because he was doing community service that week. The sailboater is happy and leaves.

The next morning, the barber goes to open up and finds a dozen sailboaters lined up for a free hair cut.

 

suider

Super Anarchist
There was once an engineer who found a magic lamp. When he rubbed it, a genie jumped out and said to him, "You have three wishes. But there is a catch - this wish system of mine was designed by a lawyer, so whatever you wish for every lawyer in the world will get double of!"

The engineer replied, "That's no problem, I can live with that." He then said, "For my first wish, I wish I had a Ferarri."

"OK", said the genie, and a Ferarri appeared in front of the engineer. "But remember, every lawyer in the world now has 2 Ferarris," the genie told the engineer.

The engineer remained unperturbed and said, "For my second wish, I wish for a million bucks." So a million bucks appeared in front of the engineer and the genie said, "remember, every lawyer in the world now has 2 million bucks."

The engineer thought for a moment and then said, "I wish I could donate a kidney."

 

hard aground

Super Anarchist
7,069
100
in quarantine.....
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus... so shut the hell up

 

hard aground

Super Anarchist
7,069
100
in quarantine.....
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mum! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

 

Breitling

Anarchist
Swindle on IKEA's parking

Take care on IKEA's parking lots, look at what happened to me last day, this is how it works:

Two gorgeous girls aged 18-20 come through your car while you're putting your purchases into the trunk. Then they begin to clean your windshield showing a bit her tits. When they finish you want to give them a tip, but they refuse and ask you to carry them to the IKEA's center on the opposite side of the town. If you accept they go to the back seats, making some lesbian acts while you drive. Once you arrive to the other IKEA's parking, one of them goes to the front seat and makes you a great blowjob. You don't realize the other is stealing your wallet.

With this clever system, they stole my wallet on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday twice, once more on Saturday, and probably tomorrow evening too.

So be aware !!

 
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d'ranger

Super Anarchist
29,533
4,563
Two termites go into a bar and ask is the bartender here?

it helps if you read it out loud.

 
A theory of life and death

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean life is tough, it takes up a lot of your time. What do you get in the end ? A death, what's that, a bonus. I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then live in a nursing home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and go to work for forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink ,party, and raise hell and get ready for high school. You go to grade school and become a kid. You play, have no responsibilities. You become a littlebaby. You go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating, and you finish off as an orgasm.

George Carlin

 


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