Joke

[GRUMPY]

As a jew, I'd like to here some good jewish jokes damnit, we've insulted everyone else. EQUAL RIGHTS!

What is the difference between a JAP(Jewish American Princess) and a bowling ball?

Yes, you can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!

What's the difference between a JAP & a ladder?

Not everyone's been up a ladder.

Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, instead he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,"Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied,"No ma'am, they're dead."

Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks up to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,"Got stuck,huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Smart Ass Answer #1:

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness,or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and uttersexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is finally restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

 

[bunabaroo]

A woman who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of forest. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.

She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Native Vegetation Board and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.

 

[Jacko_Aus]

As a jew, I'd like to here some good jewish jokes damnit, we've insulted everyone else. EQUAL RIGHTS!

What is the difference between a JAP(Jewish American Princess) and a bowling ball?

Yes, you can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!

What's the difference between a JAP & a ladder?

Not everyone's been up a ladder.

Difference between a JAP and swimming pool?

You can touch the sides in a swimming pool...

 

[Mid]

 

[Eventually]

The Cruise........

DEAR DIARY. DAY ONE

I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my

pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.

______________________________________________________

DEAR DIARY. DAY TWO

We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales

and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the

Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.

______________________________________________________

DEAR DIARY. DAY THREE

I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding

and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at

his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a

very attractive and attentive gentleman.

______________________________________________________

DEAR DIARY. DAY FOUR

Went to the ship's casino. did OK ... won about $80. The Captain

invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal

complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I

declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.

______________________________________________________

DEAR DIARY .. DAY FIVE

Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go

to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me

and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman He again

asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me !

that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sin k the ship. I was

appalled.

______________________________________________________

DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX

I saved 1600 lives today... Twice.

 

[Bowgirl]

If you don't already have a headache, this might give you one. You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, their baseball skit and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".....

 

[Nodrog]

Interesting Psychological Fact...

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to prefer a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies in this area have been cancelled.

 

[TXRedliner24]

Two men are talking in the bar sharing their sob stories. One man says, "I had the worst Freudian slip the other day."

The other man responds, "What the hell is a Freudian slip?" "You know," says the first man. "It's when you mean to say one thing, but you say something else that reveals what you are really thinking about.

Like the other day I was at the airport, and this really sexy lady was helping me. Instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I asked her for 'two pickets to Tittsburgh." The second replies, "Oh, now I know what you are talking about. It's like the other day when I was having breakfast with my wife. I wanted her to pass me the orange juice, but instead I said, 'You ruined my life, bitch!'"

 

[Sol Rosenberg]

A guy walks a woman to the door after their first date. He asks her

if she had a good time. She tells him yes but that to get her really

horny, she likes her men to be Rough, Tough & Selfish.

The next week, the guy picks her up for their evening out dressed in

a bikers black leathers. He grabs her, throws her on the back of his

newly rented Harley, and away they go to the nearest bikers bar.

The whole evening is spent drinking and brawling with the bikers.

When they get back to her house, he drags her up to the bedroom.

He asks her "Well, was I rough?"

"Yes" she purrs and rubs herself suggestively.

"And was I Tough?" he asks.

"Oh yes," she moans.

"Well then, it's time to be selfish".

So saying, he whips it out and gives himself a handjob.

 

[GRUMPY]

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said,

"I'm here to feed the alligator."

 

[skiffboy]

A man on his way home from work, comes to a dead halt in traffic and

thinks to himself, "This traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Constable, what's the hold up?"

The constable replies, "It's Eddie McGuire. He's just so depressed about his personal life - the thought of moving with Carla & Joseph to Sydney and the state of disruption amongst his beloved Magpies, Channel nine losing the football coverage, having to give up The Footy Show, Who wants to be a Millionaire, and his Triple M radio show, that he's stopped his motorcade in the middle of the freeway and he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire.

He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the money to pay for

the new house renovations at Point Piper and to bring his current house in Toorak up to scratch to put it on the market. We're taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really? How much have you got so far?"

"About three hundred litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."

 

[GRUMPY]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?

 

[Jacko_Aus]

B) -->

QUOTE(Jeff B @ Apr 24 2006, 04:30 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Who's Eddie McGuire????
Lets see how many good one-liners we get from this request....

 

[GRUMPY]

That's a bit harsh Jacko, Jeff probably doesn't get channel 9 in Kora...

But I wholeheartedly agree.

Chuck Norris has to get permission Eddie McGuire

 

[Phil]

Good joke though!

 

[Jacko_Aus]

That's a bit harsh Jacko, Jeff probably doesn't get channel 9 in Kora...
But I wholeheartedly agree.

Chuck Norris has to get permission Eddie McGuire

Wasn't having a go Grumps, just thought there'd be a queue of aussie piling in here right now with an answer to his request..... just can't imagine any of them not containing words and/or phrases like:

Arsehole

Steaming pile

and

Total waste of sperm...

 

[GRUMPY]

Was with you Jacko.

Fackers knocked off all the standing rigging off the hobie on the weekend. Fack!

 

[Jacko_Aus]

Bastards!!!

That's a fair bit of rigging too!!!

Do you have the measurements for the replacements???

 

[GRUMPY]

Nah, not yet. I'll go to the hobie site and see what I can find. It's the facking the adjusters that'll give me grief from here. Got one sail in after replacing the halyards the little bastards stole last time! Reckon it's cast me near a grand a sail, facking thing!

 

[Mid]

Cheaper to buy it back off 'em , mate ??

ask your boat boy !!