Joke

Derek Grebe

Super Anarchist
6,127
109
Dubai, UAE
Larry tells his wife "I got a new tattoo.".

"Another tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.

"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his

privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to

play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly,

instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow

a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering nicely at a nearby hospital.

 

Not My Real Name

Not Actually Me
42,829
2,705
A man and his wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, '' You can have her

shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury her here, in

the Holy Land for $150.''

The man thought about it and told him he would just

have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, '' Why would you spend $5,000 to

ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be

buried here and you would only spend $150?''

The man replied, '' Long ago a man died here, was

buried here, and three days later he rose from the

dead. I just can't take that chance.''

 

Sol Rosenberg

Girthy Member
90,516
9,045
Earth
A man and his wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, '' You can have her

shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury her here, in

the Holy Land for $150.''

The man thought about it and told him he would just

have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, '' Why would you spend $5,000 to

ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be

buried here and you would only spend $150?''

The man replied, '' Long ago a man died here, was

buried here, and three days later he rose from the

dead. I just can't take that chance.''
yup

 

Sol Rosenberg

Girthy Member
90,516
9,045
Earth
So I tell my doctor that I think I'm getting senile because I keep forgetting to zip up.

He tells me that I'm not senile. If I were senile, I'd be forgetting to zip DOWN.

 

cbm

Anarchist
535
4
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative

B) Preliminary

c) Proliferation

d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity

B) British Constitution

c) Passive-aggressive disorder

d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.

B) Nope, no more booze for me.

c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

d) No kebab for me, thank you.

e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

f) I'm not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no

co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.

i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

 

hard aground

Super Anarchist
Gilligan said:
I think that's the 5th time that's been in this thread.....
Heart surgeon's funeral holds the record at six.
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative

Preliminary

c) Proliferation

d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity

British Constitution

c) Passive-aggressive disorder

d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.

Nope, no more booze for me.

c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

d) No kebab for me, thank you.

e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

f) I'm not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no

co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.

i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

record tied!

 
Gilligan said:
I think that's the 5th time that's been in this thread.....
Heart surgeon's funeral holds the record at six.
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative

Preliminary

c) Proliferation

d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity

British Constitution

c) Passive-aggressive disorder

d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.

Nope, no more booze for me.

c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

d) No kebab for me, thank you.

e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

f) I'm not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no

co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.

i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

record tied!
No way mate! You missed the " B) "

 
A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Kin ya swaller? asked Kenzie.

The woman signalled 'No!' desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head No!!! With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her arse.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it"!

 
A lady opened her refrigerator and saw the Easter Bunny sitting on one of the shelves.

"What are you doing in there?" she asked.

The Easter Bunny replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"

to which the lady replied "Yes."

"Well," the Easter Bunny said, "I'm westing!"

 
Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...

The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimer's disease or AIDS."

"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"

"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."

 

skiffboy

Anarchist
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small

village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi G'day, mind

if I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the

villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes

me to the lake once a week to play."

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes

me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Kiwi: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar."

 
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