Cheers. I giggled like a little schoolgirl when I read it too.
Forgot that I'd posted the one about Eddie Mcguire. Replace Eddie with any over-publicised media tart, they're all pretty much the same. Hope you guys in Sydney enjoy him...no doubt he'll try and got on the board of the Roosters or something like that very soon.
Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa before and was visiting Bondi Beach, Australia. He spotted a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by, "What are all those little black things out there?"
"They're buoys," said the Aussie.
"Boys?! ..." replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"
"Holding up the shark nets mate," the Aussie told him.
"Foocken great country this!" said the South African, deeply impressed. "We'd never get away with that at home!"
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big.
A teacher says to the children in her class, "ok class, today we are going to play the alphabet game. We will go through the whole alphabet, and I want a volunteer to tell us a word that begins with that letter, starting with 'A'."
Foul-mouthed Johnny in the back of the room holds his hand high, as do several other children.
"No no, Johnny, I know what you are going to say," scolded the teacher. The teacher called on Suzy.
"APPLE" said Suzy. "Very good, Suzy," said the teacher. "Now, how about a word that begins with 'B'."
Again, Johnny holds his hand high and begs for his chance to answer. Again the teacher refused to call on him.
"Go ahead Billy," said the teacher. "BALL" exclaimed Billy. "Very good Billy," said the teacher.
All the way through the alphabet they went, until they got to the letter "R," for which the teacher could not think of a dirty word that Johnny could say, so she finally called on Johnny, who had raised his hand with a word for each of the previous letters.
"RATS" proclaimed Johnny.
"Very good, Johnny," exclaimed the teacher.
"BIG FUCKERS WITH DICKS THIS FUCKING BIG!!!" yelled Johnny, holding his hands far apart to show the size....
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad
news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom, with his bathrobe belt, right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." "How soon can I go home?"