Joke

skiffboy

Anarchist
Cheers. I giggled like a little schoolgirl when I read it too.

Forgot that I'd posted the one about Eddie Mcguire. Replace Eddie with any over-publicised media tart, they're all pretty much the same. Hope you guys in Sydney enjoy him...no doubt he'll try and got on the board of the Roosters or something like that very soon.

 

hard aground

Super Anarchist
7,069
100
in quarantine.....
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back

and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's 'privates' hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out "I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!"

 

scottmax

Super Anarchist
Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa before and was visiting Bondi Beach, Australia. He spotted a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by, "What are all those little black things out there?"

"They're buoys," said the Aussie.

"Boys?! ..." replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"

"Holding up the shark nets mate," the Aussie told him.

"Foocken great country this!" said the South African, deeply impressed. "We'd never get away with that at home!"

 

Bump-n-Grind

Get off my lawn.
14,991
3,818
Chesapeake Bay/Vail
After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some cosmetic

surgery down below to restore herself to her former youthful glory,

because her 'bomb doors' were dangling a bit too low and looked like

a ripped out fireplace.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll, and she reckoned that, with

six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things up with a nip

here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather

than a badly packed kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three

roses at the end of her bed.

Who are these from? she asked the nurse, they're very nice but I'm bit

confused as to why I've received them.

Well said the nurse, The first is from the surgeon - the operation went

so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks.

Ahhh, that's really nice said Jane.

The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such

a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the

first time he's 'touched the sides' for years and he's very excited about

the prospect!.

Brilliant! said Jane. And the third?

That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit said the nurse.

He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!

 

Bump-n-Grind

Get off my lawn.
14,991
3,818
Chesapeake Bay/Vail
well.. I was.. this is way weird, I uploaded that pic a couple days ago for one reason or another.. and now it has switched back to the previous pic..... ok howzat?

 
Last edited by a moderator:

sshow bob

Super Anarchist
2,362
301
Maine
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big.

She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bul."

 
Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby Russ was

born without ears.

When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny' s family

was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and

explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so

much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the

word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands,

cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will

have 20/20 vision."

"That's great," said Little Johnny, 'cuz he'd be shit-outta-luck if he

needed glasses."

 

Sol Rosenberg

Girthy Member
95,418
12,612
Earth
A teacher says to the children in her class, "ok class, today we are going to play the alphabet game. We will go through the whole alphabet, and I want a volunteer to tell us a word that begins with that letter, starting with 'A'."

Foul-mouthed Johnny in the back of the room holds his hand high, as do several other children.

"No no, Johnny, I know what you are going to say," scolded the teacher. The teacher called on Suzy.

"APPLE" said Suzy. "Very good, Suzy," said the teacher. "Now, how about a word that begins with 'B'."

Again, Johnny holds his hand high and begs for his chance to answer. Again the teacher refused to call on him.

"Go ahead Billy," said the teacher. "BALL" exclaimed Billy. "Very good Billy," said the teacher.

All the way through the alphabet they went, until they got to the letter "R," for which the teacher could not think of a dirty word that Johnny could say, so she finally called on Johnny, who had raised his hand with a word for each of the previous letters.

"RATS" proclaimed Johnny.

"Very good, Johnny," exclaimed the teacher.

"BIG FUCKERS WITH DICKS THIS FUCKING BIG!!!" yelled Johnny, holding his hands far apart to show the size....

 

hard aground

Super Anarchist
7,069
100
in quarantine.....
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad

news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom, with his bathrobe belt, right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." "How soon can I go home?"

 

Eventually

Super Anarchist
We appreciate your work ladies..........

Waxing...

My night began as any other normal week night. Come home, fix

dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring

painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull

the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of

those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub

the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them

apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the

hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm

not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this

out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each

other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius

kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.

("Coldwax,"yeah... right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the

skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do

this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all

wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I

sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting

championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right

side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my who-ha and

stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)

I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half

the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is

spinning and spots. I think I may pass out...must stay

conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has

caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to

revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the

strip! There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head

down,foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that

should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is

now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG

mistake... remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I

know I need to do something. So I put my foot down *%@! I hear

the slamming of a cell door. $&%#$! Sealed shut! My butt is sealed

shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do

and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My

head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can

stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the

wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to

torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued

together, is having them glued together and then glued to the

bottom of the tub...in very scalding hot water. Which, by the way,

doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub

as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless

the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in

the bathroom!!!!!

I call my best friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has

some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation

starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom

of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret

tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking

cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her as I give her the

rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax

off with a razor . Nothing feels better then to have your girlie

goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super

hot water and then

dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working,

dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need

Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving

grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do

I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY

GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens

out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT

WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend

and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my

grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT! So I

recklessly shave it off.

Heck, I'm numb by now.

Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

 

Eventually

Super Anarchist
Beware of Hippos......

dwarf.jpg


 

oz505

Member
A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those

Two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

 

Kevin

Super Anarchist
1,657
0
Canadia!
The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock...

(I could end the joke right there... :D :lol: )

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing!

The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning. During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up...

 


Latest posts



Top