Joke

[Sol Rosenberg]

A guy is bragging to his poker/drinking buddies that he can fart the national anthem. One of the guys calls his bluff and challenges him to do it. He gets up from the table, drops his pants, bends over, grunts, and drops a huge steaming load of shit on the host's living room floor. The host screams "What the hell!?! You said you were going to fart the national anthem, not shit on my floor!!!" The guy shrugs his shoulders and says "I was just clearing my throat!"

 

[skiffboy]

Evo - they're pure gold! I've seen the pancake one before but it still cracks me up.

 

[skiffboy]

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK, so how

many sales did you make today?"

The Aussie said "One."

The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or

30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"$124,237"

The manager choked and exclaimed "$124,237?? What the hell did you sell

him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then

I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast,

so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department

and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him

down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to

buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend

and I said.........

'Well, since your weekend's f**ked, you might as well go fishing."

 

[29ersailor]

2 martians, one male one female, landed in a young couples back yard one night. the couple invited them in for drinks and they talked for a while, comparing the martians way of life to the "earthlings" way of life. eventually the young couple ask the martians how they have sex, "much like you do" replies the male martian. after several more drinks they agree to swap partners for the night and experiment for themselves.

the male martian and the young girl go in to a room and when the martian takes off his clothes the girl sees a little "stump" and says "I dont think this is going to work," "oh no worries," replies the martian, and begins to hit himself on the head. magically, with every hit his penis grows an inch. after a few hits the girl still looks skeptical. the martian then began to pull his ear, and with every pull his penis becomes thicker. the martian and girl then have the best sex that the girl has ever experienced.

the four meet together the next morning and again begin talking "how was it?" asked the young man, "wonderful!," the girl replies and goes on a rant about how good the sex was. "how was yours?" asked the girl. "TERRIBLE" replied the man, "all I got was a headache, she kept hitting me in the head and pulling my ear!"

 

[mustang__1]

B) -->

QUOTE(Jeff B @ May 18 2006, 08:49 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
How many ADHD kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

Wanna play baseball?
i resent that- shit, was is my calendar still on september. honestly, wtf.

 

[IC youth movement]

A Scotsman, an Irish man, a Welsh man and a Brit are stranded on a desert island.

After a year the Scott had started a bank, the Welsh guy had started a male choir, the Irish man started a fight and the Brit hadn't done anything because no one had introduced themselves.

 

[Derek Grebe]

A Scotsman, an Irish man, a Welsh man and a Brit are stranded on a desert island.After a year the Scott had started a bank, the Welsh guy had started a male choir, the Irish man started a fight and the Brit hadn't done anything because no one had introduced themselves.

hate to pull you up on a technicality, but 'Brit' should read 'Englishman'.

A Welshman and a Scotsman are Brits as well

 

[graffiti]

WOMAN'S DIARY:

Saturday 29th April 2006.

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and

didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.

I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, he

hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed.

I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else...

I cried myself to sleep.

MAN'S DIARY:

Saturday 29th April 2006.

Rooney's probably out of the World Cup, there go our chances then,

gutted!

At least I got laid.

 

[mustang__1]

uh, dude, that joke needs a rework, men are not supposed to have a diary.

 

[bunabaroo]

Two Pakistani heroin addicts injected curry powder by accident last night and were rushed to hospital. One of them has a dodgy tikka and the other's in a korma.

 

[IC youth movement]

Adam is approached by God who says:

Adam, I have a deal for you. I will create a gorgeous, sexy smart woman for you who will fullfill all your desires. But its going to cost you an arm and a leg.

To which Adam replies:

I don't know, what would you give me for a rib?

 

[mustang__1]

>

>A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a

>little

>perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says

>aloud, "Jeesh, I

>wonder what happened to this parrot?"

>

>The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

>

>"Holy crap," the guy r eplies. "You actually understood and

>answered me!"

>

>"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly

>intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

>

>"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto

>your

>perch without any feet?"

>

>"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you

>asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook.

>You

>can't see it because of my feathers."

>

>"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English

>can't

> you?"

>

>"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with

>reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics , religion,

>sports,

>physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really

>ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

>

>The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't

>afford

>that."

>

>"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is,

>nobody

>wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for

>$20;

>just make the guy an offer!"

>

>The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

>

>Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of

>humor,

>he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he

>sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy i s delighted.

>

>One day the gu y comes home from work and the parrot goes,

>"Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wi ng. "I don't

>know if

>I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the

>postman."

>

>"What are yo u talking about?" asks the guy.

>

>"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at

>the door in a sheer black nightie."

>

>"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

>

>"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her

>nightie

>and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

>

>"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

>

>"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his

>knees

>and began to kiss her all over...."

>

>Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

>

>"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

 

[GRUMPY]

A man walks into a bar one afternoon and says to the manager, "I see your sign 'Piano player needed,' and I want you to know I'm your man.

I packed them in down there at the Cadillac Club until the IRS shut the place down.

Not only that, I write ALL my own material so you won't ever have to worry about paying royalties to ASCAP or BMI."

"You see the piano." said the manager, "Play me a tune."

The piano player rocked out with a boogie-woogie that had the manager stomping his feet.

"That was great," he said, "What do you call it?"

"I call it 'Let me Fuck you in the Ass Until your Hemorrhoids Bleed!'" said the pianist.

"Well," said the manager, "uh....that certainly is an unusual name for a song. Let's hear another one."

The piano player played a haunting melody that brought tears to the manager's eyes it was so beautiful. "What do you call that tune?" said the manager.

"I call it 'Open your Mouth Wide and Swallow it ALL When I Come.'" said the pianist.

The manager replied, "Your playing is great, and I'd like to hire you, but would you be terribly offended if I asked you not to announce the titles to your compositions?"

"Not at all," replied the pianist, "You pay, I'll play."

That evening, the crowd went wild when the piano player did his first set.

When they finally let him take a break, he rushed to the john for a long overdue piss.

On the way out, one of the patrons button-holed him and said, "Wow! you play great!! But tell me, do you know your fly's open and your penis is hanging out?"

"Know it? HELL...I wrote it!"

 

[chrisba]

Piet, the South African miner loses a leg in a terrible mining accident.

When he gets out of hospital, he goes to a bar with his mate, and pours his heart out,

"It's terrible, what am I going to do to earn money. Who needs a one legged Gold digger ?"

His mate replies...

"You could try giving Paul McCartney a ring..."

 

[Mabutu Joy]

*Warning NSFW*

Shark attacks Whale

link pops to a video

 

[Leaf Movement]

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?"the Lord asked.

"Yes", he replied.

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Paris Hilton "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Paris Hilton, You would have come up with Angelina Jolie . Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Paris Hilton ."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and

honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his wife!

That's our story, and we're sticking to it..

THE GUYS

 

[Peter Klippell]

"The cowboy position"

A seldom written about ancient standard position;

Coitus is achieved with the woman on her hands and knees, man is behind.

After some moments of shared coital bliss, you mention that her sister likes it this way too!

You just have to hang on for 8 seconds.

 

[GRUMPY]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating."Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating, " her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs, " her father answered. So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden!"

 

[Delta Blues]

My wife and I are into S&M. She Sleeps & I Masturbate.

 

[mustang__1]

A 'touchy feely' CNN reporter, while interviewing a Marine sniper asked, "What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist."

the marine shrugged and in a one word answer said: "Recoil".