skiffboy
Anarchist
A man goes to the zoo.
When he gets there, there was only a dog.
It was a shitzu.
When he gets there, there was only a dog.
It was a shitzu.
Joke
- Thread starter JOD
- Start date
Derek Grebe
Super Anarchist
Pedro
Anarchist
Linda, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.
She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up
there, and she slipped out of it for an over-all tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs.
She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.
"The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Linda asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here and, besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.
She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up
there, and she slipped out of it for an over-all tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs.
She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.
"The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Linda asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here and, besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
Pedro
Anarchist
How it Happened
My brother began to dictate in his best oratorical style, the one which has the tribes hanging on his words.
"In the beginning," he said, "exactly fifteen point two billion years ago, there was a big bang and the Universe--"
But I had stopped writing. "Fifteen billion years ago?" I said incredulously.
"Absolutely," he said. "I'm inspired."
"I don't question your inspiration," I said. (I had better not. He's three years younger than I am, but I don't try questioning his inspiration. Neither does anyone else or there's hell to pay.) "But are you going to tell the story of the Creation over a period of fifteen billion years?"
"I have to," said my brother. "That's how long it took. I have it all in here," he tapped his forehead, "and it's on the very highest authority."
By now I had put down my stylus. "Do you know the price of papyrus?" I said.
"What?" (He may be inspired but I frequently noticed that the inspiration didn't include such sordid matters as the price of papyrus.)
I said, "Suppose you describe one million years of events to each roll of papyrus. That means you'll have to fill fifteen thousand rolls. You'll have to talk long enough to fill them and you know that you begin to stammer after a while. I'll have to write enough to fill them and my fingers will fall off. And even if we can afford all that papyrus and you have the voice and I have the strength, who's going to copy it? We've got to have a guarantee of a hundred copies before we can publish and without that where will we get royalties from?"
My brother thought awhile. He said, "You think I ought to cut it down?"
"Way down," I said, "if you expect to reach the public."
"How about a hundred years?" he said.
"How about six days?" I said.
He said horrified, "You can't squeeze Creation into six days."
I said, "This is all the papyrus I have. What do you think?"
"Oh, well," he said, and began to dictate again, "In the beginning-- Does it have to be six days, Aaron?"
I said, firmly, "Six days, Moses."
(From a short story by Isaac Asimov)
My brother began to dictate in his best oratorical style, the one which has the tribes hanging on his words.
"In the beginning," he said, "exactly fifteen point two billion years ago, there was a big bang and the Universe--"
But I had stopped writing. "Fifteen billion years ago?" I said incredulously.
"Absolutely," he said. "I'm inspired."
"I don't question your inspiration," I said. (I had better not. He's three years younger than I am, but I don't try questioning his inspiration. Neither does anyone else or there's hell to pay.) "But are you going to tell the story of the Creation over a period of fifteen billion years?"
"I have to," said my brother. "That's how long it took. I have it all in here," he tapped his forehead, "and it's on the very highest authority."
By now I had put down my stylus. "Do you know the price of papyrus?" I said.
"What?" (He may be inspired but I frequently noticed that the inspiration didn't include such sordid matters as the price of papyrus.)
I said, "Suppose you describe one million years of events to each roll of papyrus. That means you'll have to fill fifteen thousand rolls. You'll have to talk long enough to fill them and you know that you begin to stammer after a while. I'll have to write enough to fill them and my fingers will fall off. And even if we can afford all that papyrus and you have the voice and I have the strength, who's going to copy it? We've got to have a guarantee of a hundred copies before we can publish and without that where will we get royalties from?"
My brother thought awhile. He said, "You think I ought to cut it down?"
"Way down," I said, "if you expect to reach the public."
"How about a hundred years?" he said.
"How about six days?" I said.
He said horrified, "You can't squeeze Creation into six days."
I said, "This is all the papyrus I have. What do you think?"
"Oh, well," he said, and began to dictate again, "In the beginning-- Does it have to be six days, Aaron?"
I said, firmly, "Six days, Moses."
(From a short story by Isaac Asimov)
Finnish Drinking Game:
Regular: Three Finnish guys go into the sauna, each with half a litre of Kossu . They each drink the vodka, and then one guy goes outside. The other two have to guess who went outside...
Advanced: Two Finnish guys go into the sauna, each with a litre of Kossu. They each drink the vodka, and then one guy goes outside. The other guy has to guess who went outside...
Regular: Three Finnish guys go into the sauna, each with half a litre of Kossu . They each drink the vodka, and then one guy goes outside. The other two have to guess who went outside...
Advanced: Two Finnish guys go into the sauna, each with a litre of Kossu. They each drink the vodka, and then one guy goes outside. The other guy has to guess who went outside...
Delta Blues
Super Anarchist
- 6,212
- 1
A guy goes into an antique store short on time. He sees this brass rat with stunning detail, and while not a fancier of the rodent, sees the quality and goes to buy it. The shop keeper says, "Before you buy this, there is a story I must tell you." The guy said he is in too much of a rush for the story and puts $300 in the shop keepers hands and bustles out of the store.
He gets home and places the brass rat on the fireplace mantel. Moments later, he starts hearing things outside of his house. He looks out the front door and there are rats knawing at the door, knawing at the windows, they have surrounded his house and are clammoring to get in at the brass rat. He looks up the street and sees tens of thousands of rats running towards his house.
Quickly he thinks and he grabs the brass rat, runs out the door and looks behind and all of the rats are chasing him. He runs up the block to the oceans edge and tosses the brass rat out into the water as far as he can. The rats chase the brass rat into the water and die in mass. Tens of thousands of rats floating dead. Wow.
He goes back to the antique store, and the shop keeper has this gleam in his eye, and said, "I knew you would be back. I knew you would want the story behind the brass rat. I knew it wouldn't take long." The guy said, "No. I don't want to know the story behind the brass rat, I want to know if you have any brass multihullers?"
He gets home and places the brass rat on the fireplace mantel. Moments later, he starts hearing things outside of his house. He looks out the front door and there are rats knawing at the door, knawing at the windows, they have surrounded his house and are clammoring to get in at the brass rat. He looks up the street and sees tens of thousands of rats running towards his house.
Quickly he thinks and he grabs the brass rat, runs out the door and looks behind and all of the rats are chasing him. He runs up the block to the oceans edge and tosses the brass rat out into the water as far as he can. The rats chase the brass rat into the water and die in mass. Tens of thousands of rats floating dead. Wow.
He goes back to the antique store, and the shop keeper has this gleam in his eye, and said, "I knew you would be back. I knew you would want the story behind the brass rat. I knew it wouldn't take long." The guy said, "No. I don't want to know the story behind the brass rat, I want to know if you have any brass multihullers?"
Bowgirl
Super Anarchist
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?
The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?
The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
Iain A
Super Anarchist
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it
is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost
went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey
Pokey," died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his
family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And
then the trouble started.
is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost
went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey
Pokey," died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his
family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And
then the trouble started.
hard aground
Super Anarchist
A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard."What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs.. Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups"
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard."What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs.. Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups"
hard aground
Super Anarchist
A man's translations
These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."
"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated:* "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car
I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."
These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."
"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated:* "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car
I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."
GRUMPY
Banned
- Banned
- #914
Three men are sitting in the maternity ward of a hospital waiting
for the imminent birth of their respective children. One is an
Australian, one a New Zealander and the other a West Indian.
They are all very nervous and pacing the floor - as you do in
these situations. All of a sudden the doctor
bursts through the double doors saying "Gentlemen you won't believe this
but your wives have all
had their babies within 5 minutes each other. "
The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy. "And," said
the doctor, "they have all had little boys."
The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over and over.
"However we do have one slight problem," the doctor said. "In all
the confusion we may have mixed the babies up getting them to the
nursery and we would be grateful if you could join us there to
try and help identify them."
With that the Aussie raced passed the doctor and bolted to the
nursery. Once inside he picked up a dark skinned infant with dreadlocks
saying, "There's no doubt
about it, this boy is mine!"
The doctor looked bewildered and said, "Well sir of all the
babies I would have thought that maybe this child could be of
West Indian descent.
"That's a maybe," said the Aussie, "but one of the other two is
a f#cking Kiwi and I'm not taking the risk.
for the imminent birth of their respective children. One is an
Australian, one a New Zealander and the other a West Indian.
They are all very nervous and pacing the floor - as you do in
these situations. All of a sudden the doctor
bursts through the double doors saying "Gentlemen you won't believe this
but your wives have all
had their babies within 5 minutes each other. "
The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy. "And," said
the doctor, "they have all had little boys."
The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other over and over.
"However we do have one slight problem," the doctor said. "In all
the confusion we may have mixed the babies up getting them to the
nursery and we would be grateful if you could join us there to
try and help identify them."
With that the Aussie raced passed the doctor and bolted to the
nursery. Once inside he picked up a dark skinned infant with dreadlocks
saying, "There's no doubt
about it, this boy is mine!"
The doctor looked bewildered and said, "Well sir of all the
babies I would have thought that maybe this child could be of
West Indian descent.
"That's a maybe," said the Aussie, "but one of the other two is
a f#cking Kiwi and I'm not taking the risk.
Kiwi
Member
I'm not taking the risk ... of him growing up and being a better sailor than me!
Eventually
Super Anarchist
Galley Skulker
Member
In an interview about his failed marriage, Sir Paul McCartney was asked if he would ever go down on one knee again...In response he said, "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather."
Bowgirl
Super Anarchist
Last edited by a moderator:
Lima November
Super Anarchist
Now you got my mathematical side started. IMHO, the blonde is right. Her answer is 100% correct.
Why? Because the question is ambiguous. 'Find', is an ambiguous word, it does not necessarily mean 'compute', it could also mean 'locate'. And the question does not specify that x represents the length of the diagonal side of the triangle, that is only implied. Bad bad bad. I say two things:
1) Kids who answer "x=5" without further thought understand just as little about real mathematics as the blonde.
2) Any teacher who grades this answer with less than a 100% score is incompetent and must be fired on the spot.
OK, rant over. I found it funny too, actually...
