Joke

[GRUMPY]

The Australian Tax Office decides to audit Jim, and summons

him to the ATO office. The Tax Office auditor is not surprised when

Jim shows up with his solicitor.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant

lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you

win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Jim. "How

about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Jim says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite

my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Jim removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw

drops.

Jim says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I

can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Jim isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Jim removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost

three grand, with Jim's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get

nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Jim asks. "I'll bet you six

thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee

into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop

anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks

carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so

he agrees again.

Jim stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but

although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on

other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just

turned a major loss into a huge win. But Jim's solicitor moans and puts

his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Jim

told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand

dollars that he could come in here and piss all over a Tax official's desk

and that you'd be happy about it.".

 

[Mid]

John Cleese was once interviewed by Jay Leno (or one of those type of guys). He was asked to comment on the fundamental difference between America and the rest of the world.
"Well," says John. "Good question. The key difference could be summed up by the fact that when the rest of the world decides to have world championships for its major sports, it's polite enough to invite teams from other countries to join in the fun."

 

[GRUMPY]

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"

 

[Mid]

After having great sex a man was lying in bed with his Thai wife. She lay there stroking his c*ck.
"Do you want more sex?" He asked.

"No" she replied. "I just miss mine".

 

[twjenum]

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange and beautiful sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.

He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."

Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."

The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a grey-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earthand have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to finda door made of ruby.

And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold.

The sound has become very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end.

His life's wish is behind that door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

But I cant tell you--------your not a Monk.

 

[NACRADUDE]

Incident

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the

child and blurted out, "That`s the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an

isle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that

she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn't say things to insult

passengers. He could be fired for that."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him

a piece of my mind!"

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

 

[GRUMPY]

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper Sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

 

[GRUMPY]

A distraught Australian woman rushed into the local police station

claiming she had been raped.

The Desk Sergeant calmed her down and asked her to provide details.

She told him that it was a man of average height dressed in white and that

he was wearing protective pads on his legs and forearms, additionally he

had on a helmet, wire face mask and heavy protective gloves.

"That sounds as if the man was a cricketer," observed the policeman.

"Oh, yes, yes he was," replied the woman, "and what's more, I can tell you

this, he was an Englishman".

"I suppose you guessed that because of his accent ," said the Sergeant.

"No, because he didn't stay in very long."

 

[Derek Grebe]

SATAN'S TEMPTATIONS

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and

spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman

would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums.

And Satan said "You want hot fudge with that? And Man said "Yes!" And Woman

said "I'll have one too with chocolate chips". And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that

Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane

and combined them.

And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said "Try my fresh green salad".

And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to

cook them".

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped

lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter.

And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with

potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into

chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.

And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those

extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not

have to toil changing the channels.

And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started

wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still

satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger.

Then Satan said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes, And super

size 'em". And Satan said "It is good."

And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then ........ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word

on nutrition and health.

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than

us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart

attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer

heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

[Bowgirl]

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference since both ultimately result in death.

 

[Derek Grebe]

AS A WOMAN PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM

DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN.

OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF

A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE ASKED:

"WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?"

THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED,

AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND.

PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING

FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING

THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE

TO HER VIBRATOR.

TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID:

"DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS

I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

A COUPLE DAYS LATER, THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP,

PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT

BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.

SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE

COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR

WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.

THE WIFE ASKED: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

THE HUSBAND REPLIED: "I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW."

 

[Mid]

AS A WOMAN PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOMDOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN.

OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF

A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE ASKED:

"WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?"

THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED,

AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND.

PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING

FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING

THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE

TO HER VIBRATOR.

TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID:

"DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS

I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

A COUPLE DAYS LATER, THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP,

PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT

BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.

SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE

COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR

WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.

THE WIFE ASKED: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

THE HUSBAND REPLIED: "I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW."

 

[Navy junior]

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately; illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida.

Not Harry. Harry concentrates on solutions to problems. The result is a win-win-win situation, Harry says:

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border

+ Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans

+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat.

Any other problems you would like Harry to solve today?

 

[Navy junior]

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened

to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously because it was all

empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the

top of her voice,

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away....

"We're down here.."

 

[D-mon]

What do you call that useless excess skin around the vagina?

The women!

Um... ladies...You know I love ya!

 

[merlin89]

So the french army captured an english officer and were interrogating him. They asked him why they wear those red shirts into battle. The englishman replied, "It's so that when you shoot us and we bleed, you can't tell, it confuses the enemy. Thats why the french soldiers wear brown pants."

 

[NACRADUDE]

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh

Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the

cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient:

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back

up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two

of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the

situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred

replied,

"...the balcony..."

 

[KRC]

A man goes into the local bar and grill and orders a beer.

"Certainly" says the bartender "That'll be one cent."

"One cent? Holy cow!" The man exclaims. "In that case I'll have three more for my friends here!"

"Three beers, three cents" says the bartender.

The man pays up and then orders a large t-bone steak with mashed potatoes and greens.

"That comes to four cents." says the bartender.

"Four cents!" The man exclaims in astonishment. "Where is the owner of this place?"

"Oh he's upstairs with my wife" replies the bartender.

"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" says the man.

The bartender replies: "Same thing I'm doing to his business."

 

[GRUMPY]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all daylong.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his Head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it.

You aren't the firstmedical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won'tbe the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality..Whispering......

Dave........

Dave........

........you're a vet

 

[Frakka]

Older couple just hitting the sack, the woman clutches her chest

and gasps “ I’ve got acute angina”. The hard of hearing bloke

replies, “ thank christ for that, your tits are nothing to write home about”.