Joke

>

>An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

>

>The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said

"Things

>are

>

>great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is

>

>pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

>

>The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have

>an

>

>older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a

>

>season.

>

>One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and

>

>accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he

neared

>a

>

>lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's

>edge. He

>

>realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the

magnificent

>

>creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as

>if

>

>it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang'.

>

>Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

>

>Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

>

>The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a

>couple

>

>of rounds into that beaver."

>

>

>

>The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

>

 

suider

Super Anarchist
STOCK TIP: Apple Computer (AAPL) stock.

Apple Computer(AAPL) reported today that it has

developed a new computerchip

that can store and play music inside women's breasts.

This is considered to be a major

breakthrough because women are always complaining

about men staring at their

breasts and not listening to them.

:lol: :lol:

/c

 

bomvu

Anarchist
633
0
UK
Have you heard about the new morning after pill for men?

You take it the next morning and it changes your blood type.

 

glug

Super Anarchist
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all daylong.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his Head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it.

You aren't the firstmedical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won'tbe the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality..Whispering......

Dave........

Dave........

........you're a vet
I've heard that joke many times before. I think its already posted in here somewhere as well. But I just can't help laughing at it. Its perpetually funny.

 
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Don't know if it's already been posted.

Following is the winning entry from an annual contest calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year's term: Political Correctness.

"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical, liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

 

Mid

Super Anarchist
Acceleration ........................

dogincar.jpg


 

alig8r

Member
121
0
SE IRL
What is the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
One doesn't follow you around after dropping a load in it.

How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?

Open the car door.
12 blondes walk into a bar,

youd think one of them would have seen it.

 
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that

they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to

help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his

chair.

His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen "

he replies.

"Wil l you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.

You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget

it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with

strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd

better write it down!" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it

down, I can remember i! t!

Leave me alone!

Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream

I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands

his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says –

"Where's my toast?

 

scottmax

Super Anarchist
> >>> The Good Husband

> >>>

> >>>

> >>>

> >>> Adam wakes up with a huge hangover after attending the Staff

> >>>Christmas Party.

> >>>

> >>>

> >>>

> >>> Adam is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like

> >>>alcohol at all.

> >>>

> >>>

> >>>

> >>> He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as

> >>>he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

> >>>

> >>>

> >>>

> >>> Adam had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he

> >>>sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side

> >>>table.

> >>>

> >>> And, next to them, a single red rose! Adam sits up and sees his

> >>>clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around

> >>>the

> >>>room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So

> >>>is

> >>>the rest of the house.

> >>>

> >>>

> >>>

> >>> He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye

> >>>staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note

> >>>hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little

> >>>hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey,

> >>>breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make

> >>>you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love,

> >>>Vicki "

> >>>

> >>>

> >>>

> >>> He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot

> >>>breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son

> >>>is

> >>>also at the table, eating. Adam asks, "Son, what happened last

> >>>night?"

> >>>

> >>>

> >>>

> >>> Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind.

> >>>You Fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in

> >>>the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

> >>>

> >>>

> >>>

> >>> Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect

> >>>order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table

> >>>waiting for me?"

> >>>

> >>>

> >>>

> >>> His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and

> >>>when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed "Leave me

> >>>alone, I'm married!!"

 

d'ranger

Super Anarchist
28,732
4,020
Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down....by David Letterman

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....

1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

 

alig8r

Member
121
0
SE IRL
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The

surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a

small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be

turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of

course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the

years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman

remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had

to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now

I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible

bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.

" The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are

your breasts."

She said, "No point asking about the beard then.................."

 

Derek Grebe

Super Anarchist
6,127
109
Dubai, UAE
How did the constipated mathematiciian relieve himself?

he worked it out with a pencil

An undertaker says to a bereaved husband 'When did you realise your wife had died?'

"well' he replied, 'the sex was the same, but the dishes kept piling up'

how many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

two. One to change the lightbulb, and one TO SUCK MY COCK!

why d oelephants have trunks?

Because sheep dont have string

What's the hardest thing about rollerblading?

telling your parents you are gay

An Englishman, a Welshman and a West Indian are waiting in a hospital shortly after their wives have given birth. The doctor comes out and explains that there has been a mix-up, due to all three wives giving birth at the same time. He asked them to come through nd identify their babies.

The Englishman has a quick look and picks up the black baby. "Yes, this is definitely my baby' The West Indian steps up and says 'Excuse me, I think you are mistaken there'

'I see where you are coming from there, mate' the Englishman replied ' but one of the other two is Welsh, and I'm not taking the risk'

What's 100 yards long and stinks of piss?

Post Office queue on Thursday mornings

How do you get a Granny to shout 'Cunt'?

Get another one to shout 'Bingo'

 

hard aground

Super Anarchist
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. Weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but

a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way

with her.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. As promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!

This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and

wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.

Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. As promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone, "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies," I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7 ft man standing there, wearing nothing

but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that read: "I'm Dave. If I catch you, you're mine..."

 

hard aground

Super Anarchist
One day a young man about the age of 25 was walking along the sidewalk in the park. Then all of a sudden he looks up from hearing the sound of an old man sobbing.

"What's wrong?" said the young man.

"Well it's nothing really." said the old man.

"It has to be something. Tell me about it" said the young man.

"Well, everyday after I wake up in the morning, me and my wife have wild sex. Then I leave for work" the old man said.

"That's not bad" the young man said.

"Well, when I get home from work, my wife has already finished making lunch for me and her. Then after lunch we have more wild sex." the old man said.

"That's not bad at all. There's no reason why you should be sobbing." said the young man.

"When we finish making love, I go back to work at my second job. Then i come home and by that time, my wife is finished making supper. Then we eat and have wild sex again through out the night." the old man said.

"If you are having sex all day, then why so glum?" the young man said.

Then the old man finally says why he is so glum, "I forgot where I live!"

 
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hard aground

Super Anarchist
A geezer walks up to a beautiful woman in a shopping mall.

"Excuse me" he says "But I've lost my wife here somewhere and I can't find her. Could you please help me?"

"What do you need me to do?" asks the woman.

"Just stand here and talk to me" the man replies.

"How's that going to help?" she asks.

"No idea really...but every time I talk to a woman with hooters like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!!"

 
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