Joke

[Bowgirl]

Sorry. That's my fault.
I keep forgetting that some of the jokes I post require a sense of humor.

It's not that ... If you scroll up about 6 posts you'll see the same joke at post # 1441(?) by Sailho on Feb 7th.

EDIT - oh nevermind. I just understood ... you posted the translation. Public service is always underappreciated :lol:

 

[graffiti]

It's not that ... If you scroll up about 6 posts you'll see the same joke at post # 1441(?) by Sailho on Feb 7th.EDIT - oh nevermind. I just understood ... you posted the translation. Public service is always underappreciated :lol:

You see it's the subtle difference between jokes that makes the one I posted funnier.

Beef and broccoli? That's some funny stuff I don't care who you are.

Chicken and broccoli? That's just plain stupid.

(In my defense, I guess I missed the last time it was posted. In fact, it's probably been posted numorous times)

 

[elle]

EDIT - oh nevermind. I just understood ... you posted the translation. Public service is always underappreciated :lol:

:lol: :lol: now THAT is funny!

 

[elle]

You see it's the subtle difference between jokes that makes the one I posted funnier.
Beef and broccoli? That's some funny stuff I don't care who you are.

Chicken and broccoli? That's just plain stupid.

(In my defense, I guess I missed the last time it was posted. In fact, it's probably been posted numorous times)

true, no one ever heard of chicken and broccoli.

 

[Eventually]

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.

If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,

"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout and as she was on her way out of the store the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine Into someone's day he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much ...I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

 

[Frakka]

Page 2, #192

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

Still a classic........

 

[glug]

Page 2, #192


Still a classic........

You've just reminded me. I know someone who is constantly finishing off my comments with the stupid line "... as the actor said to the bishop" followed by chortling that makes me want to strangle him. Where does this stupid line come from?

I suspect its one of those 70's british comedy shows which everyone fondly remembers how good they were but actually they were just sexist shite.

 

[Eventually]

"... as the actor said to the bishop" followed by chortling that makes me want to strangle him. Where does this stupid line come from? .

It is "as the ACTRESS said to the Bishop" and is British as you say...so it could be the actor..who knows?

Believed to have originated in Edwardian times and has continued through skit comedy since.

A slight redefinition from the Partridge and Beale Dictionary of Catch Phrases:

a sexual innuendo (Italian supository...(ok I made that up as the actress said to the bishop.)) added to an innocent remark creating a double entendre.

Is your mate gay or English...maybe he is outing himself..NTTIAWWT! It isn't Teaky is it?

 

[chucktheskiffie]

Page 2, #192


Still a classic........

Jesus,

don't tell me that we have resorted to THIS

(Warning: clicking this link may actually suck you into the "Twilight Zone" vortex that is the Joke thread....)

 

[President Eisenhowler]

Jesus,
don't tell me that we have resorted to THIS

(Warning: clicking this link may actually suck you into the "Twilight Zone" vortex that is the Joke thread....)

And then, of course, there's the age old "How do you keep a moron occupied" joke.

 

[GRUMPY]

A couple repeats and some new ones (I hope)

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts?

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?

They named him "Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage

along with... "a recipe".

 

[Happy]

In February 1956, a North Carolina mountain man named Herman Judd was drafted into the army.

On the first day, the Army issued Herman with a comb. Two hours later the barber shaved off all his hair.

On the second day, the Army issued Herman with a toothbrush. Two hours later the dentist yanked out seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued Herman with a jockstrap. The Army has been looking for Herman Judd for 51 years.

 

[Kevin]

A man walked into a bar near Lexington, KY and ordered a beer just as Preznit Dubya appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there"s the biggest horse"s ass I"ve ever seen."

A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Dick Cheney appeared on the television. "He"s a horse"s ass too," the man said.

This time a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him and knocked him flat. Climbing back up to the bar, the man said: "Damn! This must be Bush Country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "It's Horse Country."

 

[Kevin]

A man is sitting in an airliner which is about to take off when a man in a uniform and a Labrador Retriever sits down beside him. The passenger looks quizzically at the dog, and the official explains that they both work for the airline. "Don't mind Sniffer," the man in uniform says. "He's a sniffing dog, the best there is! I'll show you once we get airborne."

The plane takes off and the handler says to the passenger, "Watch this. Sniffer... search!"

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. He then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy." The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

"Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. He sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."

"I like it!" says the first man.

A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops a load on the floor.

The passenger is grossed out. "What the hell is going on with this dog?"

The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb."

 

[7.9 sailor]

You've just reminded me. I know someone who is constantly finishing off my comments with the stupid line "... as the actor said to the bishop" followed by chortling that makes me want to strangle him. Where does this stupid line come from?

There was a young actress from Kew

Who said, as the bishop withdrew,

"Oh, the Vicar is quicker

And thicker and slicker

And four inches longer than you."

 

[Eventually]

Mother and daughter banned from Disneyland for life!

Honesty!

 

[mikesimpson]

A guy goes to a singles bar and picks up a likely lass!

Not too many drinks later they end in at his hotel room engaging in some mutually satisfying amorous exercises.

He suddenly stops, draws slightly away and looks down at her most precious place.

“You know what I’d like to do?” he says.

“No! What?” she responds with interest.

“I’d like to run down to the 7/11, buy a bucket of ice cream, fill that up and then lick it out!”

“Oooohhh!” she shivers in anticipation, “Why don’t you do just that?”

“Aaaarrr!” he laments, “I couldn’t eat that much ice cream!”

Alternative punch line 1: “Aaaarrr, I can’t afford that much ice cream!”

Alternative punch line 2: “Aaaarrr, I couldn’t carry that much ice cream!”

 

[mikesimpson]

The Texan was touring the US in his big Cadillac convertible with a big set of bull’s horns on the front, hairy-hide upholstery and six-guns for door handles.

He pulled up in Reno NV and booked into one of the Imperial Suites at the Peppermill Hotel, the biggest rooms in the place.

After freshening up, he dressed up in his best cowboy clobber, whacked on his enormous Stetson, climbed into the big Caddy, and made his way down to Harrah’s Casino to get a decent steak and try out some of the thirteen hundred odd slot machines and the table games.

He was sitting in the Steak House, hopping into a 24 oz. bone in Angus Rib Eye Steak when a well-endowed drink waitress came by, said “Hi there, cowboy! Say, that’s some steak ain’t it?” and asked if she could get him a drink.

He requested a big Bourbon, told her that he was from Texas, and that the steak was a snack compared to those they served in Texas.

She returned with the drink and, while Tex groped for his billfold, she said, “Say, Tex, that’s some sort of a hat you have there!”

“Everything’s big in Texas, Ma’am!” responded Tex as he tipped her a ten-spot.

“Gee, Tex, thanks! Say, that’s some roll you have there!” she gushed.

“Like I said, Ma’am. Everything’s big in Texas!”

As the evening passed, things went from good to better in the relationship and soon after the end of her shift, Tex was ushering her out to his car.

“Golly, Tex,” she enthused, “This is some car!”

“We like ‘em big in Texas, Ma’am!” said Tex.

Back to the Peppermill and up to the room . . .

“Gee, Tex! Ain’t this some sort of a room – it’s so big!” she exploded as she entered.

“You must be getting the idea by now that us Texans don’t go in fer half measures Ma’am!” said Tex, puffing out his chest.

Forgoing a dip in the spa, they soon found themselves tearing each other’s clothes off on the enormous bed.

Tex peeled of the last of her wispy things and was about to toss the leg over when he hesitated, looked down at her map of Tasmania and enquired, .........

“Say, Ma’am! What part of Texas are you from?”

 

[twjenum]

I attended a party this past weekend.

After checking out all the well-dressed guests

at the party, I spotted an attractive woman (standing alone) across the room. When I approached and asked her name, She coyly replied... "Carmen."

Trying to maintain some sort of conversation with her, I responded with "That's a beautiful name,

is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself, because it reflects the things I like most in the world - cars and men."

Then she asked, "What's your name?"

"Golftits," I replied.

 

[twjenum]

An old cowboy sat down at Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.She

turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working

cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.

As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down

on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."