Joke

skiffboy

Anarchist
Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.

Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an

emergency!

I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated the the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week.!!!"

PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be

ruined!"

Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from...Brutain?..."

PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"

Hilth Munister: "What about Australia ?"

PM: "I'll call John Howard - tell hum we need one million condoms; Ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll continue to respect the all blacks!!"

Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long, 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. With small writing on each one.........

MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM

 

alteredst88

Super Anarchist
1,875
0
Maine
Let me just say "I'm sorry" in advance for this... So very sorry...

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy .

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"

The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

 

hellion

Super Anarchist
3,219
5
on SA at times
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying Uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...CELEB R ATE !!! "

 

dyslexic dog

Super Anarchist
3,813
292
Michigan
"T-G-I-F" vs. "S-H-I-T"

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a

blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest

smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

"T-G-I-F" means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.'

Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "Yes, 'S-H-I-T' means, 'Sorry,

Honey, It's Thursday.'"

 

NautiGirl

Super Anarchist
8,972
3
New Scotland
An email from a friend today...

Honest, I tried to behave today but it just started badly!

I rear-ended a car this morning on the way to work. I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day. The driver got out of the other car and wouldn't you know it, he was a

dwarf.

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and said "I'm NOT f**king happy!"

So I said "Well, which f**king one are you then?"

And that's how the fight started......

 

Mike in Seattle

Super Anarchist
4,163
434
Latte land
Who was the 3rd man in history to walk on water?

The 1st one was Christ.

The 2nd was the Apostle Peter.

, then there was this Mexican guy named Jose.

jose.jpg


 
2 sperm are swimming next to each other for what seems like a long time

one of the sperm turns to the other and says "boy, we've been at it a long time, do you think we are getting close to the uterus yet ?"

the other one turns his head and laughs " uterus, hell, we're hardly past the esophagus !!"

 

SPORTSCAR

Super Anarchist
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.

She finally met someone and well, it was an

immediate hit. After dating for

six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties;

while he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked,

"Why the black panties?" She replied: "My breasts

you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,

but down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there

wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now

he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied,

"I want to offer my deepest condolences."

 

scottmax

Super Anarchist
The Duck and the Lawyer



A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and

Dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a

Fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up

On his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

 

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now

I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over

Here."

 

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the

United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and

Take everything you own.

 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle

Disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this; with the

"Three Kick Rule."

 

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three

Kick Rule?"

 

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to

Go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so

On back and forth until someone gives up."

 

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that

He could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local

Custom.

 

 

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the

Attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot

Into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to

The midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

 

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end,

Sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart.

Now it's my turn."

 

[i love this part....] scroll down .

























































































 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.

 

Rodrigging

Super Anarchist
1,661
0
Michigan
Three ducks walk into a pub and sit at the bar.

The bartender looks at the first duck and says the names Sam, what's your name?

The first duck says Hughey. The barkeep asks how's your day so far Hughey. Oh my days has been great the duck says.

I've spent the whole day in and out of puddles, what more could a duck ask for?

The fella behind the bar looks to the next duck and says what's your name? Dewey replise the duck.

Well Dewey hows you day been? Dewey says it's been just great, spent the whole day in and out of puddles, what more could a duck ask for?

The bartender looks at the third duck and says let me guess your Louie

No says the third duck I'm Puddles

 

ballywho

Super Anarchist
While we're on the topic of duck jokes, this one is a tradition at the sailing academy I teach at.

You have to act out all the waddling/quacking/ect. to get the full effect. A small [read: large] amount of alchohol makes this way funnier.

A duck walks into a bar [start acting here] and asks the bartender "Hey, you got any grapes?" The bartender responds "No we don't have any grapes, get out of here you stupid duck!" At this point the duck waddles out, discouraged. The next day the duck comes back in and says "Got any grapes?" and the bartender again says "No we don't have any grapes you stupid duck! Get out!". The duck leaves again, and for a week this continues.

Finally, one day the duck waddles in and says "Got any grapes?" and the bartender says "NO, we don't have any grapes and if you ask that again I'll nail your feet to the floor. Now get OUT!" and the duck run/waddles out.

The very next day the duck walks in and waddles right up to the bar. He looks the bartender right in the eye and says "Got any nails?" The bartender looks at him like he's crazy and says "what? of course not! This is a bar, why would I have nails??" then the duck says "Got any grapes?"

Ahh, that's a good one right there.

 

Sol Rosenberg

Girthy Member
91,853
9,829
Earth
A bear walks into a bar and sits down on a barstool. The bartender asks him what he wants, and the bear slaps both front paws on the bar and waits... and waits... and waits... before asking for a beer. The bartender says, "ok, one beer...but why the big pause?"

 

Mr. Squirrel

Super Anarchist
Two atoms are walking down the street.

One atom looks at the other and says "Do you have my electron?"

"No I dont have your electron"

"Are you sure you dont have my electron?"

"I am sure I dont have your electron!"

"Are you absolutely sure you dont have my electron?"

"Yes I am sure...."

Wait for it

"I'm Positive!!!"

MS

 

1_&_in

Super Anarchist
Little johnny walks into his parents bedroom and sees his dad giving his mom one, his dad just laughs, throws a pillow at him and shouts "get out". A little while later johnny's dad hears a comotion coming from little johnny's room, he rushes in and is horrified to see johnny shagging his granny- johnny just looks at him and says "not so fucking funny when it's YOUR mum is it?"

 

Derek Grebe

Super Anarchist
6,127
109
Dubai, UAE
WE COULD ALL LEARN A LITTLE HERE

Subject: Northern Territory Etiquette

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.

3. It's tacky to take an esky to church

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take the trailer to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using ones OWN Ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as it detracts from woman's jewellery and alters the taste of finger foods.

DATING (outside the family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago.'

3.Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

4.Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's loaded and the roo's in sight.

2. When approaching a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest tyres doesn't always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to also bring back beer.

 

Derek Grebe

Super Anarchist
6,127
109
Dubai, UAE
rish Airways

As they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard:

PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is?

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy

PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus!

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy !!

PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse!!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !!

PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down!!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too !!

PILOT - An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy

Mudder a Gad !!!

CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can.

So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, puts

the flaps down,

stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all

his soul. The brakes

screeched, the tyres squealed, and there was smoke everywhere, but, to the

relief of all the

passengers,and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to

a stop but a few

metres from the end of the runway!!!

As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy

looked out of the window

and said to Shamus, 'Dat has gat ta be de shartist fookin runway in de

world!'

Shamus replied, 'Yes, but da ya see how fookin wide it is?'

 

Derek Grebe

Super Anarchist
6,127
109
Dubai, UAE
A wee 7 year old Aberdonian loon and his 5 year old brother are

upstairs in their bedroom.

"De ye ken fit?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's aboot time we

started sweering." The 5 year old nods his head in approval.

"Fin we ging doonstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first,

then ye kin sweer after me, ok?"

"Aye!" the 5 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he

wants for breakfast. "A'll hae some of that Weetabix shit !"

*SMACK*!!

He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up,

and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 5 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what

doYOU want for breakfast, young man????"

"I dinna ken," he blubbers, "but it willnae be fucking Weetabix!

 
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