Joke

[Derek Grebe]

Farmer Giles gets a phone call from his farm hand.

"I've run over a pig and it's stuck under the tractor, still alive...."

"Shoot it", says the farmer, "and then bury it".

A little while later he gets another phone call.

"Done that, what should I do with his speed camera?!"

 

[Derek Grebe]

WOMAN'S DIARY:

Saturday

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him - thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.

I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in.

He hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply.

He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

Cried myself to sleep -I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.

MAN'S DIARY:

Saturday

Scotland lost. Gutted. Got a shag though.

 

[alteredst88]

Little johnny walks into his parents bedroom and sees his dad giving his mom one, his dad just laughs, throws a pillow at him and shouts "get out". A little while later johnny's dad hears a comotion coming from little johnny's room, he rushes in and is horrified to see johnny shagging his granny- johnny just looks at him and says "not so fucking funny when it's YOUR mum is it?"

We have a winner.

G

 

[alteredst88]

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

What's pink and fluffy?

Pink fluff.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

G

 

[Heaven can wait]

Lost in Bunnings Hardware

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Bunnings Hardware when they collide.

 

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, And I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

 

The young guy says, "That's a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

 

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife Look like?"

 

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue Eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top And no bra. What does your wife look like?"

 

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."

 

[Heaven can wait]

A Blonde Joke

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position in the Homicide Detective Unit.

 

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?

 

The blondes all nodded.

 

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth."

 

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

 

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

 

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

 

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

 

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

 

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

 

 

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

 

 

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

 

 

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

 

 

 

 

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

 

 

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

 

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

 

 

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

 

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

 

[Heaven can wait]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

 

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

 

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

 

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

 

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a

 

face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!

 

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

 

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While

 

crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

 

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

- God replied: "I didn't bloody recognize you."

 

[Heaven can wait]

Mildred and Earl

 

 

 

Mildred, 93, was despondent over the

Recent death of her husband Earl,

So she decided to just kill herself

And join him in death.

 

Thinking it would be best to get it

Over with quickly, she took out Earl's old

Army pistol and made the decision to

Shoot herself in the heart since it was

So badly broken in the first place.

 

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become

A vegetable and a burden to someone, she called

Her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.

 

"Since you're a woman,"

The doctor said,

"your heart is just below your left breast.

Why do you ask?"

 

She hung up without answering.

 

Later that night,

Mildred was admitted to the hospital

With a gunshot wound to her knee.

 

 

 

[SPORTSCAR]

A husband and wife went for marriage counselling after 15 years of > marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, > painful

tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had

been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,

feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she

had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the

therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to

stand, embraced and kissed her passionately while fondling her breasts

and crotch.

The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a

daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife

needs at least three times a week...... Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied ......

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Fridays, but on

Wednesdays, I go sailing."

 

[Whits End]

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden

and a Texan are all working together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada "

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye,

the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land."

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water."

 

[simsalabim]

Learning English:

Three witches watchs three Swatch watches. Which witch watchs which Swatch watch?

Three switched witches watchs three Swatch watch switches. Which switched witch watchs which Swatch watch switch?

Three swiss witch-bitches, which wished to be switched swiss witch-bitches, wish to watch three swiss Swatch watch switches. Which swiss witch-bitch which wishes to be a swiss witch-bitch, wishes to watch which swiss Swatch watch switch?

 

[Bump-n-Grind]

Black November

A Turkey's Lament

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,

My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,

Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,

And he told me there was something that I had to know;

His look and his tone I will always remember,

When he told me of the horrors of ..... Black November;

"Come about August, now listen to me,

Each day you'll be thick, where once you were thin,

And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin.

"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,

In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;

"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald'n pink,

And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink,

"And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing,

"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing".

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,

I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,

And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,

I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked;

I began a new diet of nuts and granola,

High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola,

And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,

I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes,

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,

And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;

But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,

As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;

And sure enough when Black November rolled around,

I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;

So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;

I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap,

She held me today, while sewing and humming,

And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming........"

 

[lucas]

can't remember seeing this around here...

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Anaesthetist

4. Cinnamon

5. Chrysanthemum

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Rhipidistian-Amphibian Transition

3. Anti-constitutionalistically

4. Transubstantiate

5. Sphygmomanometer

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

01. Thanks, but I don't want to have s e x.

02. Nope, no more booze for me.

03. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

04. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

05. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

06. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

07. I'm not interested in fighting you.

08. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no

coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.

09. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to hurl in the street.

10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

 

[Ns_sail]

A Prospector walks into a brothel, lays a nugget of gold on the table and says to the madam, "I want two beer and the raunchiest whore you've got". So the madam sends the man upstairs to his room. As soon as he shuts the door the girl drops her pants and bends over, " holy shit" he says "how did you know i wanted to do doggy first?" " I didn't" she said "I just figured you'd want to crack those beers before we start".

 

[bplipschitz]

A priest, a rabbi and a lutheran minister walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?!"

 

[genealex]

A bum roams the countryside he is hungry and thirsty. Suddenly in the distance he sees a building which as he comes closer happens to be a pub called George and the Dragon. He walks in and sees the landlady behind the bar and ask her for some food and drink. She starts cursing and yelling: "you #$#@! good for nothing #$%$1! lay about ^%$*&! bum get out or I'll set the dogs on you!" The bum without batting an eyelid asks: "Could I have a word with George please?

 

[GARRYMICHAELCORDNER]

what do you call a person that barely speaks one language ... American I thought that was French?

son't you mean french acnadian???

 

[alteredst88]

QUOTE(charm @ Feb 27 2004, 07:46 PM) what do you call a person that barely speaks one language ... American

I thought that was French?

son't you mean french acnadian???

I'd call him MIKE CORDNER

G

 

[F15 AUS]

SANTA'S TREE

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce

the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of

being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were

about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell

to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor,

and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the

door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day?

I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas Tree

 

[GARRYMICHAELCORDNER]

Someone wanted Jewish....?2 Jewish best mates, 1 is a doctor, the other a Lawyer, Lawyer calls Dr very concerned about his wife, so they agree to get Yetta in for tests.

6 days later, the Dr rings the lawyer

Joseph Oivey.....

Hymie - nice of you to call......

Listen, Yetta's tests, we may have an issue.....

Oh mama - whats with the issue?

2 tests got mixed up - we don't know if your Yetta got AIDS or Altzheimers.....

My Life.....Poor me ....Poor Yetta.....Hymie what do I do.....

Joseph - that part is simple, tonight let her out for a walk, if she comes back - DOnot sleep with it.......

On the Cross:

Jesus to St Paul at the base of the cross.....

"This is a hell of a way to spend Easter"....... :huh: :huh:

Sorry a goyim has to put you right, here. PAUL wasn't at the foot of the cross, see.. and if he was he would have been called SAUL of Tarsus, who sat at the feet of Gamaliel who was the top Rabbi of the Pharises at the time. Saul called himself the pharisee of thePharisees. It was John and Joshua's mother, Mirium who looked up at Joshua on the Cross, Whom we English speakers call Jesus. Sorry, but we can't have the elite getting it all wrong, now can we???