Joke

[Raked Aft\\]

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....

Scared the shit out of me.

So that's it!.....

After today, no more reading !!!!!!

 

[Pedro]

Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous and even deadly. Yes, grass snakes, not

Rattlesnakes. Here's why:

A couple in Texas had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

&nb sp;

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran naked out into the living room to see what the problem was. His wife told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake ca me out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.

That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.

He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

The police arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them a ll, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over

a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa.

One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.

He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

& nbsp;

Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department.

The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were halfway down the street.

The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for t he night.

That's when he shot her.

 

[sailingk8]

GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.

Both were very faithful and loving wives, however

they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi

Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to

pee,so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so

she thought she would take off her panties and use

them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive

pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave

that had a wreath with a ribbon on it,

so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded

to go home.

The next day one of the women's husband

was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent

was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other

husbandand said:

"These girl nights have got to stop!

I'm starting to suspect the worst..

my wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing"said the other husband,

"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that

said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.

We'll never forget you.'"

 

[GARRYMICHAELCORDNER]

will probably go to hell for this one, >what was jesus last words on the cross?

>none of ye bastards eat my easter egg I'll be back on sunday

NOT FOR THE JOKE, BUT FOR THE SPIRITUAL STATE YOU ARE IN, TO MAKE SUCH A JOKE.

I am very, very sorry, but, as witha medical symptom, you attitude of mind betrays a big problem in your spiritual, soul area. Sure, it was a clever joke, but I couldn't repeat it - tho I might have beforemy spiritual state was remedied. We all get to be born in a state of rebellion against our maker. We want to be independent, to make our own decisions. It is helld up to be laudable, by society, too. However, there is an area in our lives which is God's and if we don't submit to Him in that area, we are in big trouble. Not only are our life decisions flawed (you've only to see the news or our own marriage to see how true that is), but our final destiny is worse than dismal. The remedy is easy. As Jesu;s saaid, and Billy Graham amongst many others have said, you ;have to give in to Him. He said we were rotten with sin (or rebellion). Jesus came to pay the price for our entire 'sinfulness' when He allowed us to murder Him on that cross.

If We accept that terrible, tortured death in our own place, and allow Him to influence our decisions from now on, then He will fill our hearts with His Holy spirit, and utter joy - nol matter what. I did, 42 years ago when I was a young punk in the British army, and He did it for me - to this very hour.

As the Salvation Army song goes, "come and join us", it's great, and 2,000 years of martyrs can't ALL be wrong!

 

[GARRYMICHAELCORDNER]

I'd call him MIKE CORDNER
G

I don't blame you mate. Pity is that I have a short time limit on this library computer and also I am ( obviously) the lousiest touch typist in the world. Any one beat that for a record?

 

[GARRYMICHAELCORDNER]

Just a point of information. This is an old joke that could not get past the censorship imposed on the Smother Brothers show in the late 60's or early 70's.

I'm not really that surprised... Could anyone tell me what all that is about the shadow? I 've a feeling it's linked to some pretty good advise on weather lore, and I' sure like to know what it is - besides i guess it'd help me to enjoy the joke, too. Please...?

 

[flyonwall]

Is it really necessary to analyze old jokes because they may not be historically accurate? they're jokes...

anyway....

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthly, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet whispering of the leaves in the Weeping Willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both naked, I knew I had to have her and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she had been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ.

As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out until the moment we had been both waiting for was upon us. As it did we rolled together in the now damp grass.

As the last deep orange glow of the long set sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, as we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace, I kissed her long and loving and whispered how good she had been, she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered: "Baaaa", then re-joined the flock.

 

[Mike in Seattle]

In 1986, Dan was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Dan , lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant...

 

[skiffboy]

NOT FOR THE JOKE, BUT FOR THE SPIRITUAL STATE YOU ARE IN, TO MAKE SUCH A JOKE.I am very, very sorry, but, as witha medical symptom, you attitude of mind betrays a big problem in your spiritual, soul area. Sure, it was a clever joke, but I couldn't repeat it - tho I might have beforemy spiritual state was remedied. We all get to be born in a state of rebellion against our maker. We want to be independent, to make our own decisions. It is helld up to be laudable, by society, too. However, there is an area in our lives which is God's and if we don't submit to Him in that area, we are in big trouble. Not only are our life decisions flawed (you've only to see the news or our own marriage to see how true that is), but our final destiny is worse than dismal. The remedy is easy. As Jesu;s saaid, and Billy Graham amongst many others have said, you ;have to give in to Him. He said we were rotten with sin (or rebellion). Jesus came to pay the price for our entire 'sinfulness' when He allowed us to murder Him on that cross.

If We accept that terrible, tortured death in our own place, and allow Him to influence our decisions from now on, then He will fill our hearts with His Holy spirit, and utter joy - nol matter what. I did, 42 years ago when I was a young punk in the British army, and He did it for me - to this very hour.

As the Salvation Army song goes, "come and join us", it's great, and 2,000 years of martyrs can't ALL be wrong!

See, I actually read this post expecting to see some sort of punchline. Very dissapointed when I got to the end of it, please try harder next time. Perhaps this could give you some inspiration:

A bus load of nun's are in an accident and all end up lined up at the Pearly Gates.

St Peter says that he needs to hear their confessions so that he can take away their earthly sins before entering heaven.

He asks the first nun, "Have you ever seen or touched a penis?"

The first nun answers, "I once touched one with my finger."

St Peter says, "Dip your finger in the holy water font and all will be forgiven."

St Peter asks the second nun, "Have you ever seen or touched a penis?"

The second nun answers, "I once fondled one with my hand."

St Peter says, "Dip your hand in the holy water font and all will be forgiven."

Just then, way up at the back of the line, all hell breaks loose and a nun comes charging down the line knocking other nuns out of her way until she gets to St Peter. St Peter looks at her with a puzzled expression and then asks, "What is going on here sister? Why all the fuss?"

The nun looks at him and replies, "Well, I just thought that if I am going to have to gargle the holy water, I wanted to get in before you make Sister Agnes put her arse in the font."

Or maybe this:

An old lady has just died and is up in heavan chatting to saint Peter when all of a sudden she hears this bloodcurdling scream, she turned to saint Peter and sais "What was that", "Oh that's just someone getting their shoulder blades drilled out for their wings".

So she seems abit concerned but carries on the conversation, a few minutes late she hears the same scream and again asked what it was, "Oh that's just the same person getting their skull drilled for their Halo", "Screw this, I'm going to hell" said the old woman. "You can't go to hell, you'll be raped and sodomised for all eternity", the old lady looked at peter as she was walking away and said "Yes that's true, but at least I already have the holes for that drilled in me"

 

[skiffboy]

A man says to his wife, "get ready, you, me and the dog are going fishing."

Wife says "no",

Man says "you've got three choices, fishing , blowy, or anal."

She chooses blowy, after a while she says "this tastes like shit."

Man says, "yeah the dog didn't want to go fishing either."

 

[Derek Grebe]

As the Salvation Army song goes, "come and join us", it's great, and 2,000 years of martyrs can't ALL be wrong!

to be fair, they can.

i'm from East Anglia. I don't want everyone thinking we are all fruitcakes.

 

[Derek Grebe]

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their dogs. The mother superior is first to open hers.

She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

 

[GARRYMICHAELCORDNER]

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their dogs. The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

NICEone, derek.

 

[GARRYMICHAELCORDNER]

to be fair, they can.i'm from East Anglia. I don't want everyone thinking we are all fruitcakes.

Well, derek, what can I say? You''ve said it all, haven't you? Better keep out of the way, when the old Norfolk Dumplings are icing up their Christmas cakes, hadn't you?

Which makes me wonder what you do over Christmas and Easter. Work? Or don't your convictions stretch to that dedication?

 

[Bump-n-Grind]

I'm sure this has been posted on here before but I just dont care

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearlygates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possesssomething that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. Heflicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shookthem and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates". The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finallypulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just whatdo those symbolize?" The man replied, "These are Carols."

 

[(p)Irate]

Dear Mike Cordner

Why don't you go and get festive?

On the night that there was room at the inn Jesus walks in, throws a bag of nails on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

 

[Nacra's chick]

I didn't have time to look through them all so this one may be old, but still funny as hell.

A woman walks into a H & R Block Tax accountant's office and tells him

that she needs help to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few

questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. And

then asks, "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The H & R Block accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "No, No,

No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm a chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a

prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is. "

 

[Satan]

NOT FOR THE JOKE, BUT FOR THE SPIRITUAL STATE YOU ARE IN, TO MAKE SUCH A JOKE.I am very, very sorry, but, as witha medical symptom, you attitude of mind betrays a big problem in your spiritual, soul area. Sure, it was a clever joke, but I couldn't repeat it - tho I might have beforemy spiritual state was remedied. We all get to be born in a state of rebellion against our maker. We want to be independent, to make our own decisions. It is helld up to be laudable, by society, too. However, there is an area in our lives which is God's and if we don't submit to Him in that area, we are in big trouble. Not only are our life decisions flawed (you've only to see the news or our own marriage to see how true that is), but our final destiny is worse than dismal. The remedy is easy. As Jesu;s saaid, and Billy Graham amongst many others have said, you ;have to give in to Him. He said we were rotten with sin (or rebellion). Jesus came to pay the price for our entire 'sinfulness' when He allowed us to murder Him on that cross.

If We accept that terrible, tortured death in our own place, and allow Him to influence our decisions from now on, then He will fill our hearts with His Holy spirit, and utter joy - nol matter what. I did, 42 years ago when I was a young punk in the British army, and He did it for me - to this very hour.

As the Salvation Army song goes, "come and join us", it's great, and 2,000 years of martyrs can't ALL be wrong!

Can I get an "Amen"?

 

[GARRYMICHAELCORDNER]

god that's awfulllllllll!

THAT'S WHAT SHE THOUGHT, TOO.

 

[GARRYMICHAELCORDNER]

the joke needs a little work.... Arabia is not a Nation and Muslims don't drink beer.

you're wrong, you know. I've Found them the be the biggest liars, hypocrites and thieves in the world,(as have all the British soldiers in the last ww). I am convinced that they have only two fears: bacon sarnies and having their religion proven false. whether the latter is possible is for another debate, and don't have it with them, they will torture you 'till you give in. I really am convinced that it is held by them to be a religion of convenience. Without it the imams would have nothing to ride on the backs of everyone else with, and the ordinary man desperately needs it to terrorise their women into submission. That is what I believe, and I've had a lot of communion with them. They can be great guys, and ladies. But, oh, the stories some of them have told me...!