Joke

I didn't have time to look through them all so this one may be old, but still funny as hell.


A woman walks into a H & R Block Tax accountant's office and tells him

that she needs help to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few

questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. And

then asks, "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The H & R Block accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "No, No,

No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm a chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a

prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is. "
She's so funny. Cute too. :p

 

scottmax

Super Anarchist
you're wrong, you know. I've Found them the be the biggest liars, hypocrites and thieves in the world,(as have all the British soldiers in the last ww). I am convinced that they have only two fears: bacon sarnies and having their religion proven false. whether the latter is possible is for another debate, and don't have it with them, they will torture you 'till you give in. I really am convinced that it is held by them to be a religion of convenience. Without it the imams would have nothing to ride on the backs of everyone else with, and the ordinary man desperately needs it to terrorise their women into submission. That is what I believe, and I've had a lot of communion with them. They can be great guys, and ladies. But, oh, the stories some of them have told me...!
Mike

This is the joke thread. If you do have anything funny to put down fuck off and take it to PA.

Secondly if I want religion thrust upon me I would go to a church service. I would prefer to not read in a joke thread on SA.

Kind Regards

Scott

 

Touch of Gray

Super Anarchist
2,732
1
Puget Sound
MikeThis is the joke thread. If you do have anything funny to put down fuck off and take it to PA.

Secondly if I want religion thrust upon me I would go to a church service. I would prefer to not read in a joke thread on SA.

Kind Regards

Scott

Methinks this guy CORDNER (make sure to use upper case MIKEy me boy) is on a field trip. So would the smarty pants computer types on this forum please out him and we can return the favor.

TOG

 

Lee G

Super Anarchist
3,323
0
the same irritation you two feel, is the same they felt in jerusalem in ad 1 and ad33 - and for the same reasons. Sorry. Try to have a nice Christmas................

Why cant Jesus eat M&M's?.................

They keep falling through the holes in his hands.

Whats the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?.................

Only takes 1 nail to hang the painting.

 

vsecret

Anarchist
616
0
The Kitchen Bitch

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train..but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the b edroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say...

"All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen...."

 

graffiti

Anarchist
901
0
Olympia, WA
An oldie worth repeating if it's already been done:

A Chinese couple gets married -- and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night,

she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:

"My dal-ling" he says, "I know dis you fus time and you vel-ly flighten.

I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting, jus anyting, you wan, you say. Whatchou wan?"

he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure,

"I wan ...... numba 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries......... "You want... Beef wif Bloccoli."?

 

1_&_in

Super Anarchist
NOT FOR THE JOKE, BUT FOR THE SPIRITUAL STATE YOU ARE IN, TO MAKE SUCH A JOKE.I am very, very sorry, but, as witha medical symptom, you attitude of mind betrays a big problem in your spiritual, soul area. Sure, it was a clever joke, but I couldn't repeat it - tho I might have beforemy spiritual state was remedied. We all get to be born in a state of rebellion against our maker. We want to be independent, to make our own decisions. It is helld up to be laudable, by society, too. However, there is an area in our lives which is God's and if we don't submit to Him in that area, we are in big trouble. Not only are our life decisions flawed (you've only to see the news or our own marriage to see how true that is), but our final destiny is worse than dismal. The remedy is easy. As Jesu;s saaid, and Billy Graham amongst many others have said, you ;have to give in to Him. He said we were rotten with sin (or rebellion). Jesus came to pay the price for our entire 'sinfulness' when He allowed us to murder Him on that cross.

If We accept that terrible, tortured death in our own place, and allow Him to influence our decisions from now on, then He will fill our hearts with His Holy spirit, and utter joy - nol matter what. I did, 42 years ago when I was a young punk in the British army, and He did it for me - to this very hour.

As the Salvation Army song goes, "come and join us", it's great, and 2,000 years of martyrs can't ALL be wrong! :D :) :rolleyes:
fuck off back to the church so you can molest some poor little boys, chester

 

Derek Grebe

Super Anarchist
6,127
109
Dubai, UAE
An intelligent man, an intelligent woman, god, and father christmas are crossing the road. Who gets run over?

The intelligent man.

the others don't exist

 
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The emergency services recieve a call from a man who is clearly upset...

"I was out hunting and there's been an accident!"

"I think my mate is dead!"

"It was an accident .. it was an accident ... I think he's dead."

The operator tries to calm the guy down

"Okay cool it, let's just make sure he's dead shall we?"

There's a pause

Two loud bangs are heard by the operator then the guy comes back to the phone

"... right, now what?"

 
fuck off back to the church so you can molest some poor little boys, chester
1. It is most unwise to judge OTHERS by your OWN sad standards.

2. JESUS never attended church. He came, as I do, out into the real world and offered help to those of us who are willing to admit that we can't do it ALL ourselves, and need a little help.

3. Pride, and arrogance is what made the devil fall. You like so many others, are you THAT eager to join him and pay the consequences, here, now and later....?

4. I sure hope not, Chester, either way : have a nice day!

 

frenchie

Super Anarchist
10,203
894
Brooklyn, NY
So Jesus is up on the cross, roman legions doing crowd control...

"Peter! Peter!"

Peter tries to approach, but the roman soldiers block his way.

"Peter! Peter!"

Tries to get past, the soldiers grab him, Peter struggles, they beat him. Badly. Peter collapses, weeping.

"Peter! Peter!"

Peter stuggles, gets up. Wipes his bloody nose, spits out a tooth... and cradling his broken arm, starts , limping towards the cross.

The soldiers grab him again. But their centurion, impressed by Peter's determination, has second thoughts. Tells the soldiers to let him pass.

Peter limps his way closer.

"Yes, Lord?"

"Peter! I can see your house from here!"

 

1_&_in

Super Anarchist
1. It is most unwise to judge OTHERS by your OWN sad standards.
2. JESUS never attended church. He came, as I do, out into the real world and offered help to those of us who are willing to admit that we can't do it ALL ourselves, and need a little help.

3. Pride, and arrogance is what made the devil fall. You like so many others, are you THAT eager to join him and pay the consequences, here, now and later....?

4. I sure hope not, Chester, either way : have a nice day!
religion is the root of all evil.

someone find out where this lunatic came from so we can go on a field trip

 

Bump-n-Grind

Get off my lawn.
14,100
2,878
Chesapeake Bay/Vail
MIKE take your pompous ass to PA if you're not going to post jokes in here........

now where were we... oh yeah....

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager burst into l aughter. After several minutes of hysterics, he pulled himself together and approached Lena. "I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but

I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

 
MIKE take your pompous ass to PA if you're not going to post jokes in here........
Well, I can't. 'Cos I don't know where PA is, nor what it is. Sorry.

Now if you like this joke, maybe I'll learn to stomach the sick and nasty stuff some of you seem to enjoy at other's expense:

Your Granny, mother, loved wife and little girls were on the street, hooking, when some guy comes and chops their arms off and says ......

Get the point (i hope)....?

 
religion is the root of all evil.
someone find out where this lunatic came from so we can go on a field trip
If we were in the physical, instead of the virtual, I'd like to think that you'd have the decency to accept my protests like all my other friends do. No need for a field trip, just tell me where YOU are, and if it,s feasible, I'll come and meet with you, and hopefully we could crack some good jokes together. I love jokes, just like you do, so lets not get hung up on this, and put our minds to enjoying some more FUN instead, eh?

By the way - merry Christmas to you and all the rest of you folks out there, I hope its one of the best you've ever had.

 
MIKE take your pompous ass to PA if you're not going to post jokes in here........
now where were we... oh yeah....

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager burst into l aughter. After several minutes of hysterics, he pulled himself together and approached Lena. "I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but

I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
by the way - i love this joke. I laugh every time I hear or read it.

Thanks.

 
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