Joke

B) --><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Jeff B @ Dec 9 2007, 09:04 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->Jesus christ, cordner - stop fucking up this joke thread! Take it to PA or start your own thread for fucks sake!i wouldn't call mike jesus christ.
haven't you noticed? I don't like religion, mate, only Jesus, 'cos of what he did for me.

Reminds me of an old :( priest who woke on a glorious day, and felt what a shame it was it was Sunday. He REALLY fancied going around the golf course, instead. It occurred to him that His curate was pretty well up to scratch, so he hatched the ploy of a poorly throat, etc, so when the curate went across to the church, he snuck out with his clubs to the links. Apparantly God and Gabriel were supposed to be watching, and Gabriel said to God,

"Look at that!"

"So?", was the reply.

"aren't You going to do something about it?"

"Sure am. Watch this..."

The Rev. put the ball on a tee, steadied himself with the usual shuffling of feet, preparative swings, and so on, and then... Whop! the ball sprung off the club, soared gracefully through the glorious skies, and dropped right on the green, rolled until it fell with a satisfying 'plop'. squarely down the first hole.

"Whaaat?!" protested the angel.

"That's nothing, watch on!" was the reply.

They did. Hole two, Hole in one...

Hole three, Hole in one.

Hole four, the same;

and for the next fourteen holes, amidst the most wonderful skies, singing birds, no-one to hold him up..the whole lot. Perrrrfect!!!

As the priest gave such a deep, satisfied sigh, it suddenly dawned on him that he had just suffered the worst round of golf any dedicated golfer could have ever played. 18 holes-in-ones, and he could NEVER, NEVER, EVER tell a soul. He crept disconsolately back to the vicarage, and when the curate met him afterwards, he said that he'd just met a good friend of the priest's, who, told him of an amazing thing.

The men in the 19th hole had just watched some unknown visitor play 18 straight holes-in-one, but he'd disappeared before they could give him life-long membership of the club, along with Life presidency. He's asked the curate if the priest could pray for them that they could find the man... He would be the talk of the golfing world for years to come and never buy a drink in that club ever again!

He coud have been a pro. - or ....?

 
These two guys go for a lunch time game on a working day, and one a neighbouring tee, were two ladies. One of them had a mighty swing, 'cos it was a fairly long hole, but sliced it rather badly, and it headed for the two businessmen, just as one was swinging up for his shot.

"Oh!", exclaimed one of them, with her hands up to her mouth. The ball curved arund in a perfect arc, and hit the man as he swung his club down. With a scream, he fell rolling to the ground.

The two ladies ran urgently over to the men and cried out how sorry they were, and was he alright, and could they do something...You know, all the things girls say when they feel guilty and vulnerable.

"Look, I'm a therapist - would you like me to masssage it for you?" one of them asked, as he clutched his hands between his legs.

"Unk...ok.."uttered the man. He took his hands away from his crotch and she put her hands there and applied her theraputic skills to the task. After a while, she asked if it felt any less painful.

He replied, "no, but don't stop, it's taking my mind off the damn thumb!" :blink:

 
:unsure: Reg took an hour or so off his insurance business to play a few holes one tuesday afternoon. As he teed off the fourth, he sliced the ball nastily to the right through the trees. "What the heck", he looked around and as he could see no-one about, he dropped a second ball and drove off a little better that time. It wasn't surprising, really, he thought, that he' messed up the shot, with all that row going on, how could a man concentrate as well as you could on a nice quiet Sunday?

He finished the nine holes, went back to work and on the following Sunday, he set off round the course and just as he was about to tee off on the fourth again, he played so much better than he had done the previous Tuesday.

In the 10th hole ( the clubhouse - they only had nine holes, there) Jack, the pro sidled up to him. "I was watching you last Tuesday."

"No! I hadn't noticed anyone about...?" Reg was a little shaken. He been SEEN! Cheating!

"'Fraid so," answered Jack, in a low voice. " You sliced the ball and it went thrugh the trees and did a bit of damage, you know."

"Oh, no! What did it do?"

"We heard later, that it had ricoched off a branch of the big larch, in there. Know the one?"

"Yes..."

"Then it went through the window of a double decker bus and knocked the driver out. The bus was full of school kids on their way to see some lambs at the zoo farm, and it crashed. All the kids were killed. damn shame.."

"Oh, no! All of them? How...?"

"Well, it was because the bus swerved into an ammunition lorry coming the other way... It blew a hole in the ground the size of a house!" Jack explained.

"Oh, my g... What shall I do..?"

" That's not all," muttered Jack, rather enjoying himself. He was bound to get a double out of this... "The queen was coming along just behind the ammunition lorry, and there was nothing the driver could do. They went straight into the hole! You should've seen it! You 'd have thought ... well she survived it, when they finally got her out... There's hell to pay..."

Oh, my go.." uttered Reg, "What shall I do?"

Jack gave him a reassuring pat on the shoulder in a pro lie way. "Well, if you make sure that next time you hold your club more like this :unsure: ..."

 

White Lightnin'

Super Anarchist
5,154
148
Anacortes, Wa
I laugh and laugh here.
What did Jesus say to the innkeeper?

Can you put me up for the night?

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in school

There are no aethisist in foxholes

I laugh and laugh here.
What did Jesus say to the innkeeper?

Can you put me up for the night?

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in school

There are no aethisist in foxholes

 

scottmax

Super Anarchist
Mike I feel I speak for a great many people when I say your jokes are just not funny. What are you trying to achieve by completely fucking a perfectly good thread of jokes? I am glad you have found jesus and he has been a great guy for you. But this does not make me laugh. I come to this thread to lauagh not be preached to.

So I say again FUCK OFF MIKE :angry: :angry: and take it to another place

 

Sol Rosenberg

Girthy Member
90,469
9,022
Earth
Yes please, jokes, not preaching.

This guy is hanging out in a bar, knocking back a few cold ones and talking to his buddy. All of a sudden, he hears a phone ringing. He sees his buddy hold his empty hand up to his ear and start having a conversation. Puzzled, he inquires about this, once his buddy is done talking. His buddy says "I got a phone embedded in the palm of my hand; it's the latest thing. Watch this." With that, his buddy pushes the index finger of his other hand into the palm of the hand with the phone, and then holds his "phone" up to the skeptical friend's ear. Sure enough, he hears a phone ringing, and his wife answers on the other end of the line. Amazed at this technological progress, he goes back to his beer.

A few minutes later, he notices that his buddy has disappeared, and figures it would be a good time to hit the head. He walks into the head, and there is his buddy, with his non-phone hand against the wall, his phone-hand to his ear, his pants around his ankles, and a roll of toilet paper jammed into his ass. Of course, he found this a might disturbing, and said "you god damned freak, what the hell are you doing? You make Larry Craig look normal by comparison!" His buddy yells back "QUIET! I'm getting a fax."

 
So Jesus is on his way to be crucified, carrying his cross through the screaming crowd. As he walks along he hears this mumbling but can’t quite make out what is being said over the screaming. He goes on for a while and once again he hears this mumbling. So he notices this guy standing next to the road and figures the mumbling is coming from him. So he walks over and says “Excuse me sir, but what is it that you are trying to say”? The guy looks up and sings “I love a parade”.

 
Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows

When the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says

"Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and

says,

"Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,

"Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and

says,

"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the

old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real

hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything

he's got,

And accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides

 

Big Stuff

Anarchist
649
12
The South
I got this is an email. What's the answer to this math question:

Math question:

You have nine girls on a bus

Each girl has 7 pairs of pants they are not wearing.

How many balls can you stick in....

 

D.M.D.

Super Anarchist
1,266
376
If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly.....

Deer Santa,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy

all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How

about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell I'm giving your

older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.

Santa

********************** *******************************

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is

peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they

Santa

****************************************************

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my

mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love,

Teddy

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a

hurricane.

Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom,

who rides his ass constantly It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you

some Legos instead. Santa

****************************************************

Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog,

a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid 'Francis' nowadays I bet you're gay. I'll set

you up with a Barbie. Santa

****************************************************

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots

for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face

when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor Leave me a bottle of

Scotch.

Santa

****************************************************

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year Are you busy making

toys

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I

spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself

silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the

craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa

****************************************************

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're

awake, like in the song Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible Good luck in whatever you do. I'm

skipping your house. Santa

****************************************************

Dear Santa,

I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE,

PLEASE could I have one Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap

doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa

****************************************************

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home Love,

Marky

Dear Mark,

First stop callling yourself 'Marky', that's why you're getting your ass

whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a

low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the

boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet dreams, Santa

 

(p)Irate

Super Anarchist
A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"
The little girl turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car – and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."

The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"
So when I post that joke a few months back it causes uproar and I'm pressured to delete it. Now it seems OK. Oh, I get it, the bloke in my joke wasn't a priest. :blink:

Anyway, on with the jokes ..

How do you tell the Tasmanian virgin?

She's the one who can run faster than her brothers.

 
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