My brother died 14 months ago and I'm in pain

hasher

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Grief.  How in the fuck can someone smile?  Don't they fucking know?

Why does the sun rise?  Would someone give it a clue?

Rip out my heart and stomp on it.  

I'm supposed to survive this?

The guy who is passing.  Enjoy every sandwich.  Thank you Mr. Zevon.

 

Point Break

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Yeah..its part of the journey. I remember just before my Father passed (we took care of him through his illness and treatments in our home - esophageal cancer - nasty way to go) I recalled a certain poem by Dylan Thomas. I copied below. It resonated with me during those last very hard weeks. At one point as we sat together he asked me "Is it okay if I give up? I am so miserable". "Yes pop I said....you fought the good fight and I have nothing but love, respect and admiration for your life and your journey through this". He smiled and was dead in a week. Now I reflect that soon, with absolute certainty......much much sooner than I had planned.....I'll share that poem with my son as he will have to take that journey with me. Life...............odd place. 




Do not go gentle into that good night

[SIZE=1.25rem]Dylan Thomas [/SIZE]- 1914-1953





Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.


 

hasher

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random. said:
My Dad hung on for a bit.  He was pretty fatalistic and accepted what was happening to him.

On the last night the extended family (who did not realise it was the last night) visited.  No one was sure he knew they were there, but he did.

Just after they left to go home I sat there holding his hand.  I felt him go through his hand.  He just needed that last bit of support to make the crossing.

That's go me going now ...
When the rear view mirror looks more important than the road ahead, you'd like to warn your children.  Listening is a skill.  My father is dying agonizingly slow.  He's still here for my mother.  Her quality of life deserted her.  If she were a dog, I'd put her down.  But she is not a dog.  She is a wonderful human being or was.  Now she is a ghost living with a ghost who find their life in the mid 90s is not something to aspire to.  

The dogs at the kennel have more to look forward to than my parents.  I torment those dogs in every way a dog lover loves.

 
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warbird

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When the rear view mirror looks more important than the road ahead, you'd like to warn your children.  Listening is a skill.  My father is dying agonizingly slow.  He's still here for my mother.  Her quality of life deserted her.  If she were a dog, I'd put her down.  But she is not a dog.  She is a wonderful human being or was.  Now she is a ghost living with a ghost who find their life in the mid 90s is not something to aspire to.  

The dogs at the kennel have more to look forward to than my parents.  I torment those dogs in every way a dog lover loves.
Regrets.

 

WCB

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random. said:
My Dad hung on for a bit.  He was pretty fatalistic and accepted what was happening to him.

On the last night the extended family (who did not realise it was the last night) visited.  No one was sure he knew they were there, but he did.

Just after they left to go home I sat there holding his hand.  I felt him go through his hand.  He just needed that last bit of support to make the crossing.

That's go me going now ...
That reminds me a little of when my grandmother went.  She was in a home and they knew it was close so they called my mother and her two siblings. They weren't able to get there in time but it was what my grandmother said to the nurse/attendant.  They told her that her two daughters and son were on their way to see her and my grandmother said, "tell them I'm sorry that I missed them" and she died a short time later. 

 

Jules

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Has anyone experienced and come out into the blue.  Please don't shit on me.  He was a great guy worthy of my grief. 
I am deeply sorry for your loss.  I know how this hurts.  And I know, "You'll get over it doesn't work."  While I have never lost a sibling, I hope sharing this with you will help.

After losing my two closest friends in a car accident, I thought I could handle death pretty well.  After some other deaths of those close to me, I thought I was right.  Then my dad was taken early by cancer.  That was really tough.  For months I struggled with my skepticism about an afterlife because I couldn't accept my dad was just gone.  It occupied my thoughts practically every waking hour.

One morning I awoke from a dream.  My dad had come to me and said, "Julie, I'm okay."  That was it.  But a huge weight was lifted from me and at that very moment the pain of his loss vanished.

This is not to say I don't still miss him.  He was my rock.  And I've never found a replacement for him.  Tears are welling up in my eyes as I write this.  You never get over such a loss.  You just have to find a way to accept it.  For me, that dream provided me that way.  Maybe I'm playing mind games with myself, but it's what allows me to carry on.

Hopefully, you will find such a way.

 

Point Break

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I am deeply sorry for your loss.  I know how this hurts.  And I know, "You'll get over it doesn't work."  While I have never lost a sibling, I hope sharing this with you will help.

After losing my two closest friends in a car accident, I thought I could handle death pretty well.  After some other deaths of those close to me, I thought I was right.  Then my dad was taken early by cancer.  That was really tough.  For months I struggled with my skepticism about an afterlife because I couldn't accept my dad was just gone.  It occupied my thoughts practically every waking hour.

One morning I awoke from a dream.  My dad had come to me and said, "Julie, I'm okay."  That was it.  But a huge weight was lifted from me and at that very moment the pain of his loss vanished.

This is not to say I don't still miss him.  He was my rock.  And I've never found a replacement for him.  Tears are welling up in my eyes as I write this.  You never get over such a loss.  You just have to find a way to accept it.  For me, that dream provided me that way.  Maybe I'm playing mind games with myself, but it's what allows me to carry on.

Hopefully, you will find such a way.
I am not religious but I don't reject spiritual notions. I'm an agnostic. I have seen a few things at and near the moments of others passing  during my career and also a "dream" following my late wife's passing that leave me wondering and acknowledging the possibility of something afterwards. Still no proof sufficient to satisfy me but sufficient to have me wonder. Is it the product of a brain anomaly in the cases of near death and death and a fanciful dream in my own dream? I cannot say.......but I do not rule it out.....or in. By way of example.....

My partner and I are called early in the morning, I'm guessing 0300 or so, to a multigenerational home of Native Americans. They said grandfather had passed away. We arrive and while my partner is talking to the family I open the closed bedroom door to check on the grandfather and find him sitting up in bed looking at me quite peacefully. So I sit on the edge of the bed and after explaining who I was I say "I'm surprised to find you awake. its seems your family thought you had passed away." He looks at me and says "oh....I did." I'm a little confused but after years as a Firefighter/Paramedic I'm used to odd responses. I say "What do you mean?" He says "I left my body and after traveling saw my grandfather. He looked at me and he said its not time yet. Go back. I'll be back for you in the morning. So, I came back." Okay says I and after some pleasant conversation left the room and advised the family that grandfather was very much alive and told them the story. They nodded without surprise, went into his room and we left. At around 0600 the bells go off again....same address. This time grandfather is indeed gone. Brain fart? I don't know.

My own experience.....after a tough two year battle my late wife came home on hospice for 10 days. She wanted to pass at home. She did. I was crushed. After about a week I partially woke and was ABSOLUTELY sure she was standing at the edge of our bed smiling at me. No words.......just an impression upon waking that she had lingered...or some part of her had lingered and she was saying its okay and goodbye (she was unconscious when she passed). Fanciful dream? I don't know. Didn't seem/feel that way. After about 3 years I met a wonderful woman and remarried. Just last week she had a dream in which my late wife - who she never met but has seem pictures - was with her. They did have an exchange. My late wife said "just promise me you'll love and take care of him." My current wife said to her "Of course I will....I promise you." The she woke up. Fanciful dream? We don't know. 

It's all enough to make me wonder, especially with my recent diagnosis. I don't rule it out and occasionally ponder the question........with no answers.

 

hasher

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I am not religious but I don't reject spiritual notions. I'm an agnostic. I have seen a few things at and near the moments of others passing  during my career and also a "dream" following my late wife's passing that leave me wondering and acknowledging the possibility of something afterwards. Still no proof sufficient to satisfy me but sufficient to have me wonder. Is it the product of a brain anomaly in the cases of near death and death and a fanciful dream in my own dream? I cannot say.......but I do not rule it out.....or in. By way of example.....

My partner and I are called early in the morning, I'm guessing 0300 or so, to a multigenerational home of Native Americans. They said grandfather had passed away. We arrive and while my partner is talking to the family I open the closed bedroom door to check on the grandfather and find him sitting up in bed looking at me quite peacefully. So I sit on the edge of the bed and after explaining who I was I say "I'm surprised to find you awake. its seems your family thought you had passed away." He looks at me and says "oh....I did." I'm a little confused but after years as a Firefighter/Paramedic I'm used to odd responses. I say "What do you mean?" He says "I left my body and after traveling saw my grandfather. He looked at me and he said its not time yet. Go back. I'll be back for you in the morning. So, I came back." Okay says I and after some pleasant conversation left the room and advised the family that grandfather was very much alive and told them the story. They nodded without surprise, went into his room and we left. At around 0600 the bells go off again....same address. This time grandfather is indeed gone. Brain fart? I don't know.

My own experience.....after a tough two year battle my late wife came home on hospice for 10 days. She wanted to pass at home. She did. I was crushed. After about a week I partially woke and was ABSOLUTELY sure she was standing at the edge of our bed smiling at me. No words.......just an impression upon waking that she had lingered...or some part of her had lingered and she was saying its okay and goodbye (she was unconscious when she passed). Fanciful dream? I don't know. Didn't seem/feel that way. After about 3 years I met a wonderful woman and remarried. Just last week she had a dream in which my late wife - who she never met but has seem pictures - was with her. They did have an exchange. My late wife said "just promise me you'll love and take care of him." My current wife said to her "Of course I will....I promise you." The she woke up. Fanciful dream? We don't know. 

It's all enough to make me wonder, especially with my recent diagnosis. I don't rule it out and occasionally ponder the question........with no answers.
At my Presbyterian Church USA we look for God.  We don't define God or pretend to know the unknowable.  Meanwhile, there is a hell of a good street ministry going on for the homeless.  And that ministry is just one drop in the bucket.

 

Point Break

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At my Presbyterian Church USA we look for God.  We don't define God or pretend to know the unknowable.  Meanwhile, there is a hell of a good street ministry going on for the homeless.  And that ministry is just one drop in the bucket.
Well, if you find him/her/it…..let me know. I’ll need more evidence than a “feeling” or “faith”. Meanwhile I have nothing but appreciation for people helping people for whatever reason they choose.

 

hasher

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Well, if you find him/her/it…..let me know. I’ll need more evidence than a “feeling” or “faith”. Meanwhile I have nothing but appreciation for people helping people for whatever reason they choose.
I'm not an evangelist.  What is true is true.  What is false is false.  The faith I have seems to reflect the life I see.  Not understanding is the pinnacle of my understanding.

 

Point Break

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I'm not an evangelist.  What is true is true.  What is false is false.  The faith I have seems to reflect the life I see.  Not understanding is the pinnacle of my understanding.
Double talk that means….I have no proof…... I just choose to believe this. I’m okay with that if that’s what you choose and it brings you comfort. You may not believe you’re an evangelist but you chose to respond to my post with your view of god. Sorry…..that’s evangelism…..

 

hasher

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Double talk that means….I have no proof…... I just choose to believe this. I’m okay with that if that’s what you choose and it brings you comfort. You may not believe you’re an evangelist but you chose to respond to my post with your view of god. Sorry…..that’s evangelism…..
Religion has gotten a bad rap with the bullshitters that mix it up with politics.

I won't hide from my beliefs nor will I try to convince that my vapor should be yours.

 
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Point Break

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PB, not trying to pry, but what's going on?
Well.............after a pretty rough run of an infected hip replacement (3 years after the replacement!) including another emergency surgery this past December to debride the hip then 3 months of big antibiotics via a PICC line at home some of my lab values just were not improving and my kidney numbers took a dangerous nose dive. After some investigation thinking it was sorta left over from the infection and surgery we discovered in March that I have developed Multiple Myeloma. It is a 100% fatal currently incurable bone marrow disease likely work exposure related. The 5 year survival rate is 50%. Hoping to beat that as I am pretty darn healthy before the series of infections this last year. The good news is I am just starting the 7th of 8 planned cycles of 3 week initial treatments, drugs for two weeks and one week off constitutes one cycle. I've had a very good response which is a good sign for longevity. I am tolerating the treatments quite well and golf a couple times a week and swim workout a couple times a week and some SUP, bike, and walking. After the initial treatments I will go onto a maintenance program of drugs and see how long before a relapse. That will also give some hints about longevity as well. There are some promising immune modulating treatments that might even be a "cure" in the pipeline that we've discussed with my Hemoc/Onc Doc.  

Anyway...........it causes one to contemplate mortality and what the end will look like. Especially when you know exactly what it will look like and the only variable is.....how long...... 

We are not promised tomorrow. We only have today.

 




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