The Million Mustache March?

Get Ready for the Million-Mustache March

Sure, it's likely an April Fools' joke, but why not support the mustachioed masses for a good cause?


It’s time to put that mustache to work in Washington, says the American Mustache Institute (AMI). The apparently patriotic group announced plans for a Million Mustache March from the Capitol to the White House on April 1 (now, what day is that, again?) in support of the STACHE Act, its Stimulus to Allow Critical Hair Expenses plan.


AMI has promoted the STACHE Act as a $250 annual tax deduction for expenditures on mustache grooming supplies, claiming that growing a mustache provides an economic stimulus to the country. With Northeastern State University tax professor Dr. John Yeutter singing the praises of mustached Americans for the economy, AMI claims those donning a ‘stache earn 4.3% more than those without the fuzzy lip.


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“Given the clear link between the growing and maintenance of mustaches and incremental income … mustache maintenance costs qualify for and should be considered as a deductive expense,” writes Yeutter in his paper, entitled “Mustached Americans And The Tripple Bottom Line.”


The proposed STACHE Act proposes subsidies for mustache and beard trimming instruments, weightless conditioning agents, wax mustache combs and mirrors. But it also proposes including facial hair coloring products for men and women over 43 years of age, bacon (why not, right?) and Burt Reynolds wallet-sized photos.


To give a little credibility to the promotional event, AMI has secured an agreement from H&R Block to make a contribution to Millions From One, a group that delivers clean drinking water to those who cannot obtain it themselves, for every person involved in the April 1 march. Guitarist John Oats, The Office actress Ellie Kemper and Milwaukee Brewers pitcher John Axford have all supported the cause.